Who wants pictures?

Last night I was driving home and I was thinking that I don't have an eating disorder. That I'm just a wannarexic in disguise. Maybe I just want to lose the weight to prove a point, like the health teacher that ate nothing but Twinkies and other treats but still lost weight to help prove CICO. Maybe I'm just in this elaborate game of controlling myself to prove a point.


Last night I said I was going to binge with no limits set. I've been hungry for days, my weight has been slowly dropping. I deserve to finally not feel hungry again so I'll eat until I get there. I logged it all and I logged the other food I ate yesterday. Still less than 1200 calories.


Being around happy people makes me feel out of place. But I also am still in this warped position where I see my problems in every other person. I see people that can project happiness and then go home and feel empty. So in my mind most of the happiness still appears fabricated.
I remember when fabricated happiness was good enough for me. I wonder what changed.



I keep getting in the position where I've got a hold on my sleep patterns and then I do something to dissolve it all. I need to be stricter on when I sleep and how I wake up. I'm hoping to use outside motivation to achieve this. Life is too difficult to manage it all on your own.
Or maybe I'm just in a place where I know I can't solve my problems by myself and so I'm just stuck in a dependent perspective.



I've had a few minor health concerns lately. I actually got a UTI. Thank god I have this hoard of supplements. D-Mannose solves those very quickly (within 3 hours!). I had a scratchy throat thing that I resolved about 90% of the sensation within a few days of using Manuka Honey. Medicinal mushrooms were doing nothing for it. There is one thing I haven't fixed yet... my stupid sublinqual peptide has been giving me a lingering taste... I'm going to have to stop taking it sublingually for a while. I'd expect this from something that tastes like fruity wasabi.


I made the most delicious homemade pesto sauces of my life. BUT I CAN'T EAT THEM BECAUSE ITS TOO MUCH. I can't even try. Lol. I just want to sell them all. I just don't want anyone to be suspicious about me giving away food.

Besides that I've been well.
I hate school.
Nothing changes.

Clearly unfocused

I feel like I'm currently in a spiritual realm where I'm hovering between different futures.


One future I actually succeed in school but don't make progress anywhere else.

Another I start to build a business out of homemade healthy foods and end up with either a basket of experience or a stockade of items and tons of networking work ahead of me.

And the most alluring of them all... a universe where my BMI is so low that sometimes forces me into treatment.



Anyways... an adjusted BMI calculator puts me at a 16 BMI today. 185cm and 57.6kg.  I'll be getting lower.


I've been using a calorie tracker faily religiously. I've only missed 2 or 3 days since I started the tracker. MyPlate is a good app. I'm also proud that I've gotten over 100% of the fiber it recommends almost every day.



I almost haven't been working. It scares me a little because financially i worry. But I just need to stop spending money on food and I'll accomplish two things... getting thinner and not spending all my money.


I need to run today or tomorrow. But I have a lot of school work to do today. So it might not happen today. (probably will not happen even though I feel like i NEED it). I'm craving running like its a frickin food group right now.



It feels too difficult to focus today. Yesterday was like that as well. I think I was like that Monday. My thoughts are like bees and I can't hear their happy song humming because all I think about is buzzing.




I don't know what will calm everything down, but I remember after waking up and weighing myself and doing the BMI calculation it felt like I started the day accomplishing something.
Can you tell I watched the 'make your bed' video where the advice given to graduating peeps was make your bed?

The Day of the Sparrow

Holy fuck i messed up.


So my sister was doing me a favor and helping me organize my room. I had a minor freak out because my scale was in the center of my bed, so i hid it before she came over. And she finds the instructions for the scale instead -_-

I'm incredibly stupid. Lets get this straight.
This is the closest I feel like I've been to getting caught. I'm the deepest I've been (yeah I've been a lower weight, but never as devoted or confident... before it was automatic... now my mind is clear and my body isn't even in the pain it was in before). I've had these thoughts and habits for years without my family knowing for sure. And I might have just given away a huge clue tonight. A clue that makes you not even question if I'm TRYING to lose weight.

Because before I used to be able to make excuses, but now it blatantly looks like I'm guilty and of course I am.


I went the whole day without food until I went to my parent's house. And funny enough they made a meat entree so i conveniently couldn't eat any of it. I ate broccoli without complaints and talked about my healthy eating habits. LOL. HEALTHY.
Anyways I put up a good facade. I've been doing so for years. I feel like my identity was dormant for so long as I lived healthfully under my parent's roof. I'm not there anymore. I get to fast. I shall wither into bones. My damn thighs will get skinnier than my knees.


So I've messed up.
But I don't think I'll be going to treatment yet. I think the earliest that could happen is... February. And I don't see it happening then. I'd imagine I'll be sent in August of 2018. But this is just baseless predictions.




I keep forgetting to mention this very important detail of today. I ran during a fasting period. I ran without food in my system. Its actually the first time I've done that without feeling like I was going to faint. I feel like I've begun to master fasting.

Damn I need to cut this short and sleep.

I feel so busy all of a sudden.


I might post my calorie tracking.
I also have a rant due about calories in and calories out. If I do that rant I'll probably post body checks to reinforce my ideas.





Why even read this blog?

Who do you trust

My height is 6'1'
I'm sure this scale is wrong and is putting my weight too low.

But do you trust me or do you trust this machine?