The giving up disease

Every day now I see myself walking on a path and I want to stop

rest.

Sit

Because I don't see myself going anywhere

I don't want to walk if I'm not making progress

Sometimes this stopping gets a hold of me and I do pause

And for just a little while I give up on going forward

I'm so content with giving up

But then I shake my head to break the illusion

I tell myself I have to move on

and I start walking again

stay beautiful

A wasted resource

I've learned that when people don't want to give you any of their self they will feel like immobile objects. But I know... I know that I feel that because they feel immobile.
And...
When you meet a stranger and they say they will see you around
they never mean it

I've known that one for years
Strangers
I'm closer to them than friends sometimes.
I wish I could admit to everyone what I feel
Because... Then maybe they would know how to treat me

But all the people that I confess to are artless.


stay beautiful

Will I get used to this

I've said I would be fine with it
Now its time to test
Am I ready to be intimate
with someone that I...
would rather not be intimate with?
Or maybe I want to be...
Interesting dynamic
Why else... would someone like that be wanted?



Stay beautiful

Words for the public

This is meant for the author of Shaking;walking, M.
But... because the words seem to express what I feel for everyone
I'm putting it here


Everytime you leave you die in my mind

I mourn you
And then I wish for you again
or a ghost of you if that is all that is left
please
don't die on me again



stay beautiful

I must be taught how to treat you right

Like a globe of glass
My heart shatters as it hits the
lowest point, but how low is that
when every moment feels low
every day low
every
feeling
slow

Not doing enough
I don't feel like it
This emptiness
Feels
Like it hurts
But I don't know

Like a shard of glass
I pass my days
reflecting on the past
Those days I should have died
So that I'd never be
In this room

melting
too much pressure to hold
melting
the pressure
I fold

And...
now I'm a globe of glass
falling to the low
The surface tenses before hitting the ground
shattering into another
low



stay beautiful

slam poetry

Why is it when I try to write nothing ever comes?
I'm not artistic enough
I need to workout
I eat too much
I need to suffer

I can't let other people know what goes on in my head so I compose myself perfectly around others. But left to myself I'll twitch and other things... I try to surround myself with other people as a sort of pill to keep me swallowing my manic tendencies.
I don't believe in a cure

If I didn't have other people I'd have to kill myself


I think I will
fade

try not to exist







stay beautiful

Blanket

For once in my life I am struggling to learn.


I keep examining myself and thinking of how little I actually know.
I think I have a talent for assimilating knowledge but not quite for mastering it. This is why my mind is so eclectic, but never specific enough for me to love myself.

My body is especially abhorable right now.
I don't know why I eat so much here... I thought at first I would eat less because I finally have the freedom to do so. I know if I were cooking for myself I would hardly eat at all. I wish it were that way now.
Bloated feeling.

What annoys me more is how I feel slightly fatigued every day and how deeply I sleep at night.
I feel like the inclines and stairs here are the cause of this. I'm humiliated because I would like to think I'm stronger than that.


I even stop to think if I should run or not.
I'm getting too weak for myself.

I feel like if I try to get strong I'll push myself into disease- like a cold. Not disease like a disorder.


stay beautiful

Go ask her

You think I'm tired but I could never sleep in this weather
Outside so calm, chill, undersaturated and only mildly wet after today's light rains.
But inside a perfect storm. The kind that will bring me to the edge of sleep and never bring me to it. I could die for this ideal, but I won't.

I used to forbear sleep because you burn more calories awake than asleep. Its true... sleep less and you can most definitely put yourself in energy debt. And that is what losing weight is all about. Being behind on energy income... but on purpose.
I mean to fast someday while I am here. But I haven't utilized my freedom like that yet.

Another question...
Why would I want to dream when something better is so much closer and yet the thing I love is always out of reach.


I still hate myself.
Even more because I know how dependent I am on the idea of the beautiful just to feel sufficient in my days.
I still hate the question "How are you?"
Because my answer still hasn't changed. After years of wanting to be thinner or less existent... Nothing better has been felt.
I still tread the path of failure
And I'm not sure how I am going to make it through my honors calculus course.

But...
there is time
And...
I have a hope
Maybe
just maybe I'll learn eventually what it feels like to kiss a person that your body loves.

I've also decided that as tired as I am it is not tired enough. I can do more. Better. This is always how it is. How it begins. And why I fight doesn't even matter anymore.
Too much food. Thinking about food. Buying food.
People suck. I asked for help and no one helped me.
I feel like I can't ask for what I really seem to want though. Hugs. Long intimate warm embraces.
I crave those like oxygen.






stay beautiful