It Want

I don't want to talk about it. In fact, I don't want to talk at all. Tonight I relearned the way I used to stay silent to everything. Except... I'm missing one thing; I need to want it.
I need to want to disappear again. I need that desire to die.

Actions speak louder than words. Unless I try to kill myself I will never want the silence again.

Something I have left unmentioned about my life's past is that I stopped talking for a month. No words. I didn't explain why to anyone, and not many people know what I was thinking (myself included) in my silence. The truth was, along mulling over the emotional troubles of a broken heart I was killing myself over and over again in my head. I would jump into the street, jump off the Grand Canyon, cut myself with knifes. Eventually I got desensitized to it; so then the silence faded.

Eyes, Breathing, Jaw.
Stand taller.



hm... The tuba is breaking me. Breaking me to dependence on food. I feel like I'm cured I need food so bad, and I think about eating all the time... I'm so tired. I get lightheaded when I binge every meal. I get hungry... I try to work hard, but I'm not working hard enough.

I don't deserve what I have. One of those things is a girl named Katrina. I wouldn't cure my mind for her.... So I don't deserve her.
I want control over my body again.
I want to be invisible again.
I want to go hungry.

Random thing... I have something called an IE- Individual ensemble. I'm screwed.



Stay Beautiful