Cadets

Most of the sleep I get tonight will be on this bus floor, right here.
I did 100 push-ups before we left.
But everything is so easy now... Now that I have been cheating. Somehow... M&M's are magic. I can eat a bunch and sprint for over an hour. My tuba feels like it weighs 5 pounds, and I don't get tired at all. But do you know how terrible M&M's are? Maybe I have found a good use for them, because the corps needs someone to look up to. Too many people look up to me already; in fact someone admitted to me today that they think I am the most inspirational person in the world.
No.
Fuck No.

I am not.... I'm not.


...
Its a lie if I say I am not strong. I have gotten strong from this. Its not good enough. Not for me, not for this organization. The people I march with... need something to help them. I am only allowed to help myself. And I'm ashamed of that.
I pull my weight here, that is my job. If I tell others to work harder, then I anger them, or get in the way. Maybe not... But I don't want to do it. I can't live up to the person that they want me to be.


One of our instructors here gave me a private lesson on my tuba tonight. I kept saying the word interesting to describe what we did... Because I don't know what else I can say.
Basically I would play a note and listen to it. I would try to get the greatest tone I could.
Then I would play again, but instead of listening I would feel my instrument. I would lightly put my fingers on the valve caps and try to feel the small vibrations caused be the note. After I felt that I reached my hand out to my bell to feel that ring.
The last step... Was the most interesting. I played the note, ignoring the sound, ignoring the instrument, and tried to feel the vibrations the instrument sent through me. I would then go backwards through all of this, adjusting my tone to allow myself to resonate, then listening for how the horn resonated, then paying attention to my embouchure and such to produce that tone.
The point was... to feel notes instead of just playing them. This is the method he uses to get his students to feel what they play.
...
I'm just stupid.
I was able to do it. The resonance felt like a snake entering down your throat or through your arms that would slither into your chest and sit there hissing. The thing is... if you tense the slightest bit it leaves. Thinking of something different will close that snake away from using you as a home.
So I did it, but then I just sat there. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to curl up into a ball and wither away.
But then I missed the feeling of the snake.
And I'd recreate it... But it wouldn't feel amazing. It wouldn't feel like much at all. Its just a snake the size of a butter knife; and the feeling it gives you is dull like the edge of a butter knife.


I laid down thinking...


And nothing came up



A while later I had to get up and get back to work. So I packed up the tuba and prepped myself for a 12 hour bus ride.
I'm laying down; I should be sleeping. But all I can think about is conflicting feelings of guilt for eating so many M&M's, and satisfaction for finally conquering a day of rehearsal. My head feels a little too empty right now, and for some reason I keep thinking its because I'm missing that feeling that you get when you feel yourself play with good tone. I'm feeling an empty space where that snake of resonance would be.
Meh... I'm so stupid.

It Want

I don't want to talk about it. In fact, I don't want to talk at all. Tonight I relearned the way I used to stay silent to everything. Except... I'm missing one thing; I need to want it.
I need to want to disappear again. I need that desire to die.

Actions speak louder than words. Unless I try to kill myself I will never want the silence again.

Something I have left unmentioned about my life's past is that I stopped talking for a month. No words. I didn't explain why to anyone, and not many people know what I was thinking (myself included) in my silence. The truth was, along mulling over the emotional troubles of a broken heart I was killing myself over and over again in my head. I would jump into the street, jump off the Grand Canyon, cut myself with knifes. Eventually I got desensitized to it; so then the silence faded.

Eyes, Breathing, Jaw.
Stand taller.



hm... The tuba is breaking me. Breaking me to dependence on food. I feel like I'm cured I need food so bad, and I think about eating all the time... I'm so tired. I get lightheaded when I binge every meal. I get hungry... I try to work hard, but I'm not working hard enough.

I don't deserve what I have. One of those things is a girl named Katrina. I wouldn't cure my mind for her.... So I don't deserve her.
I want control over my body again.
I want to be invisible again.
I want to go hungry.

Random thing... I have something called an IE- Individual ensemble. I'm screwed.



Stay Beautiful

373

I did 373 push-ups in about 2 hours...

big deal.



I'm fucking weak.



I'm in Arizona right now... weather is about 113 Fahrenheit.
I'm fat.
I also might have some serious internet during this tour. Its going to take some getting used to.

I won't say what I do for rehearsal right now, because its not really pushing me too far, and everyone else does the same thing. I'm nothing remarkable out here. The only possibly difference is that when I go home... I keep trying and I try to work even harder than I do here.
All we do here is work...
And then things like this happen. 3 hour break. I already used a bunch of it.

373 push-ups.
What am I doing?



Stay Beautiful

I'm sick of myself.

I feel sick right now... My stomach is turning over from what I have been doing with my life.
I want to stop exercising, I want to stop school. I want to stop work and trying to talk to people.
Right now I have this desire to lose weight. To be light like a feather...

I don't even understand it... I'm not EDNOS to lose weight... I'm EDNOS to be in control of my body. Right now I am on autopilot. I want to starve for a day- just one day- to show who really is in control.
But dammit, my body wouldn't take a good fast right now. I'd faint, I'd be too weak, I couldn't do it... I wouldn't be in control.


I should have a confession to make here, but I won't say a thing about what I've done wrong.


Month long absence starts tonight.
I'll come back with a reason to work hard again...



Stay Beautiful