Pattern recognition

I'm burned out. My brain is nonfunctional. I haven't had a coherent thought for days. I've just been living off pattern recognition.

My weight have been an exact 124.6lbs for 3 days in a row I think... I can't remember anything.


Its just crazy how much time can be lost during a time where there is so much time to lose. I only work 3 days this week. I have only one day where I have to do a lot of school. I haven't been sleeping. The way I see that schedule I see tons of time to do anything but I haven't done anything with that time. I've eaten through so much of it... well maybe not eaten since I've been pretty moderate on my intake. I've been mildly upset at myself for consuming almonds lately, but I don't have much other food right now.

I'm just a huge mess right now with no brain. I hope this post reflects that.

I never know what i feel

This should be a quick post as I'm typing on my phone.

I don't know what day anymore but i hit my lowest of 123lbs again. Except last time I was 123lbs I was wearing heavy clothes and this time it was the morning while in my underwear on a scale. Seems thematic that I'd be practicing fasting and calorie tracking much more religiously on the attempt the morning weigh in.

I fast more completely now than I ever did back then. I've learned how I don't need to be afraid of 'low blood sugar' when I fast. My energy levels feel normal most of the time.

This morning I was 126.6lbs.
It really doesn't feel like a thin weight anymore.

Resetting cirdadia

Its quite awkward how improper timing can interrupt magnificent beginnings.


When I saw my grandmother in the morning she had tears in her eyes. I thought she had seen. I thought she could see... But she was just acting out in the way she usually does against her own loneliness. She was just lonely and sad... still clueless.
Everyone is clueless. As they should be.


I'm clueless.


ABC has taken a break. I just don't have the drive to do it alone. I felt like I was finally going to destroy myself, but I also had so much adrenaline that I felt invincible.

I really shouldn't have gone back to eating food. I had a good thing going.


I'm just not ready for this

My way of doing it

I made a new friend. Her name is ribcage or maybe... maybe she is just another butterfly.

I don't know yet I haven't met her. But she and I started this thing called the ABC diet.

I really hope no one catches me doing this.

I'm not sure it is safe, but she is helping me. I'll do me best to survive. I'm overshooting almost every day by 100 calories just to be safe. I mean the diet probably wasn't intended for someone at my height.


I've been consistently weighing at 125lbs. This is about that time where I should be taking pictures as often as possible because even if I'm not the goal weight yet I'm close enough to look like it.


I've been having dreams where terrible things happen. Like one of the dreams I woke up and I already knew what had happened, but I looked in the mirror anyways because I needed to know the extent of the damage. I had pulled out over half of my hair and I had a fuchsia spiral rash on my scalp. Everything itched so bad that I wanted to pull out the rest of my hair. I didn't even know if I could blame myself because I apparently did most of the destruction while unconscious. I knew I'd have to shave my head because of the possibility that someone would accuse me of being anorexic.


And in another dream I was caught in the act. Someone had somehow accessed my phone even though it had the fingerprint scanner and knew where to look to find what I've been doing. Thy would see the stats on the calorie tracker app, they would interpret them, and I would have to come up with answers. And this dream kept rewinding every time I gave a reason it would rewind again and I'd have to say a different reason.

its a coping mechanism

I'm so poor I can't afford food

I can't make myself happy

This is my identity

I haven't gone deep enough

School stresses me out too much

I have a shitty job

I can't accept myself

No one else accepts me

I require more love than the world can afford

I desire things I shouldn't 

I need to be punished


I just want to die and this is my way of doing it