Infected

I know what the dashes spell out for your blog name.

I felt I had to make a post because there is something bothering me. But I doubt it will cease to bother me until my memory neglects it long enough to let the forgetting pick it up.


The position of acceptance for a female in society is so largely based on her weight. A fat girl has so fewer doors open to her on boyfriend she can get if she wants one. If she just changes her weight without changing anything else the world opens up to her.
In my own mind I just keep wishing girls could never get fat.

I think I am as shallow as the next guy. But I like to blame my mental illness on why I am that shallow. I have tried to be intimate with a person who had a body i did not agree with or lust for. It was dizzying even if i admired the character and facial features. I honestly felt like purging. I could go on to explain every symptom of my discomfort, but I feel it is simply sufficient to say the reaction was a whole-scale physiological rejection. I can't control how my body feels or if my autonomous nervous system wants to activate fight or flight or release bile.
And I'm deeply sorry for that. I feel terrible.


Hopefully at the very least I can cover up these feelings to only myself being affected.
Infected


Stay beautiful