Maybe if you posted once a month

I'm not trying

I guess I'm just hoping for something to turn up for me.
Not trying...
Not trying...

Thoughts are like water.
If you hold a glass half empty at first you don't feel the weight. But if you held that glass for entire day its weight would strain your arm. The same goes for these thoughts that strain my form.
How am I to ever love myself if I always hold these thoughts in my mind. How did they get there? Why can't I just pour them out?

There is a friend of a friend that I find interesting. Because she gets sad too. And while she has a boyfriend I'm not sure they talk about it. I don't think she talked about it with her previous boyfriend, and when it did come up that was why he left her. All of the friends that I had between me and her said she went crazy.
I guess thoughts can do that to a person. If you hold them long enough. If you are afraid of what might break when you drop them.
Or if they hurt.


My life has progressed to the point where I am completely turned off to alcohol. I don't even like it when others around me drink* (to get drunk). Because its idiotic.
The reason for people drinking is even dumber to me. I've asked a few people, and while this might not be true for all people every person I have asked says they drink for the same exact reason.
Freedom. To be the person they think they are. To gain the confidence to be someone they can't be when sober. To escape being boring and mundane.
And when I see them drink, then buzz, then flop around and get sick I ask if they accomplished what they set out to do.

In my opinion they didn't, but alcohol is a great deceiver.
When you drink it you think you can walk straight, but you can't even walk.
You think your flirting is so smooth, when you can't talk or type worth anything.
You think it makes you funny, when you have the coordination of a newborn.

Maybe I don't know how to enjoy life.
I don't care.
I'm not even living.

Its so easy to blame others...

Stay beautiful

My dying wish

I constantly want to die.

Even when I'm having a good time I want this to end.

And yet I have this competitive spirit that keeps me alive. I don't know what is wrong with me... Honestly I don't wAnt to be cured. I want the opposite. I want to feed and nurture my illness. I want the sadness to consume me. If I went deep enough I could feel lonely no matter what. I could have the perfect companion and I could watch them struggle to keep me above water when I would have no choice but to drown.

That would be some sweet revenge.

I'm so useless. I wish it were different. I'm trying to lock myself away so no one has to see me. Know me...

I don't feel like my secrets are safe during this time of the year.

No one know this yet: that I want to die.

But how long can I live like this; how sick can I get, before this cannot continue.

Stay beautiful