I'm going to die

Its close to Midnight. I feel like slithering under warm sheets and entering oblivion.

I did some... I did enough to hurt my back because I remembered something I hadn't done in forever, nor ever built up the endurance to do.
The feeling in my shoulders right now is not sore, but every once and a while it feels like an itch. Its just a bit of tension... just that much. For me, this means I hit a significant barrier, because I have passed that barrier so often. It gets farther and farther away.

So it is nearing midnight. I might see what I can do quickly, and slither away under the covers.


Stay Beautiful

Time Trials

Feeling lazy tonight. Its cold.

Hey, that sounds familiar. I get lazy when it is cold. What a surprise.
My ideal plan would be to get to sleep at 2:00 or 3:00 AM sore out of my shoulders and maybe my abs, although its hard to get those to hurt for any time period.

I'm going to see if I do that, or I sulk off into bed at 12:00 with no progress at all.

Seasonal

I'm more of a wana-rexic. Really, its pathetic. Ana has really strong emotional bonds to me... but I don't act it too often because of fear.

I'm so paranoid. So so paranoid. I'm more paranoid than I am afraid of fat.
I'm lazy. When it is cold, or I feel like I can't do more... I don't do more. Sometimes I can work up to that point, but when it gets there I stop. I would like to know where I could go with this disease, but I'm always so worried about the immediate reaction...

It gets harder. With work and school as committing as they are. The cold is my excuse, but I know when it warms up I'm still not going to be able to go full throttle, or go like that for long.
I want to hurt myself. I really do.
The scars are like a pretty fantasy... like if I had some burn scars on my back I would be beautiful. Mysterious... like how did he get that?
Yeah, I burned myself. I'm tough. I hurt inside, and I let it leak to the surface in a hot surge of pain. It would burn so bad... but I deserve it.

You were always the happy person, the one that never worried about what people thought of you. There was something different about you, something brought you to realize that you didn't have to try for other people and you worked for yourself.
yeah, but you don't know that what I want... Is greater than this. I have plans.
It has to happen.



Stay Beautiful

Sin is Love

Love is a sin.
Don't love... ever. You will consume yourself, in your arrogance you shall forget who you are, your actions will melt to inaction, your will to acquiescence, in the end love makes you nothing.
Noiselessly you shall join the dust...

Goodbye.

AH

NO.

Its been so long.
And I have to admit... i'm failing. "balanced meals" for the past week.
Mostly just making sure I have 2 and a half cups of vegetables, that way I don't eat too much of the other junk... But all I'm doing is eating.
For now... this shall not bother me. I'm getting there....
I set goals.

1000 push-ups
1000 sit-ups

Every Day.