Am I better?
I gave more than a sane person ever would into a relationship built on a foundation of lies. And yet I still love her.
She legitimately spends her money on fentanyl. Smokes it in the room we share. I haven't charged her rent. When she gets high its hard for her to be nice to me. I get pushed away physically and emotionally. And yet... its not me that I care about so all of that is irrelevant.
Its just so hard to take someone seriously when their actions live up to an addict and not to their own aspirations or words.
As crazy as it sounds I can't think of anyone more understanding of that mental state than me.
I wonder why I can tolerate the mistreatment.
Part of me is locked away in Nirvana. Where none of this matters. Where I understand what it feels like to be mentally in the deep end of an Olympic sized pool of emotional turmoil. I've had years where I emotionally held my breath. Maybe the part of me meant to feel the pain suffocated.
But the rest of me survived. And felt pain. Like I feel now.
Alive... and nostalgic.
I'm probably too pragmatic. Because more than anything I feel confusion. How did it get here and why does nothing I do change anything? How long will I have to wait and if I do nothing else but wait will things never change?
Should I just abandon her?
I feel like the way she acts and treats me implies how she abandons the very idea of me daily.
But if I save her will I finally feel saved myself?
