Commitment

I've never wanted to commit to anything.

Or at least... the things I've wanted to commit for I haven't had the balls to commit for and everything else that was easy enough to commit to was just convenient and there.

I really want to tell the girl that is texting me that she happened to be there. That I don't want to commit. That I just don't like the music she plays, or the weight she is, or the things she talks about. I really do listen to her, but I just don't see myself enjoying her words for very long. I don't want to change her.

Doesn't this happen to anyone else? What you are given just isn't what you want?


Although I can say that there are many things I have that I love to have. for instance all the food I've been binge-ing on. I've been loving it because I'm such a fatty. I have 14 containers of truffles, 12 boxes of perfect bars, a giant bag of pita chips, I just finished vegetarian pizza, I finished a greek yogurt that I ate with flaxmeal... all of this after a fast on Sunday. LOL. One day of not eating and then I'm stuffing my fat chops for 3 days straight. I'll never drop weight this way.


I've been active on peach. I love peach so far. I like being able to express how mildly disordered I am. I even took a mirror selfie. Its funny because I've been teasing that I'll leave pictures here for a while and I just get a different outlet and take a picture right away. I want so badly to fit in.


Maybe I just don't deserve it.

The 15th will be harder than the 14th

I purposely didn't message anyone on valentines day.

Well... I did reply back to one message. And I texted people back when they texted me. But I didn't send a valentines message.

Because I'm trying to realize that I'm not ready.


Dammit I want to be loved. I want to love. I want...
But I've been trying to teach myself for a while now that love isn't just about want. Its about fulfillment. Its adventure. Exploration. Its the comfort of gamaaminobutyricacid when you touch because your amygdala is quelled. The rush of dopamine when sunshine hits your pituitary gland. The oxytocin you share the oxygen you share the carbon dioxide you share the making-out you share.

I'm not sure what love is... maybe some of the CO2 I'm breathing is going to my brain and I'm trying to think with necrotic neurons.

I felt like all day today I was dying. Like I took too many blood thinners and I was a bruise away from bleeding out or a minute of holding my breath or locking my knees from fainting. My feet are currently asleep, but maybe that is because I'm sitting like a perched hermit. I'm in a house with 4 other people right now and I have total privacy, but I crave being alone.



I think that I want to be alone. But then I'm so confused because empty just doesn't feel right.

Valentines Nightmare

I had an incredible nightmare.

I was transitioning into a new home, but I was homeless for just a few nights. I saw a laundromat that was open 24 hours and decided to curl up in a blanket and sleep there. But then more and more homeless came and i felt less and less safe with all of them around.
I had brought a girl over to see my parents. She was thin. For some reason they weighed her. They didn't like her weight and said there was a problem. Then it was my turn to get weighed, but first I left to 'use the restroom' and filled my pockets with change. I had to move stiffly to not make a lot of noise and I prayed they wouldn't make me empty my pockets or think my weight was unacceptable even with the coins in my pockets. I woke up right after stepping on the scale.


Of course... this was a dream so I was at least 5lbs lighter.


But you know... one can dream.

Do I love me?

I'm surprised its Valentines day.

Also I'm not convinced when she told me that she could give up food for love. I don't even remember when I heard it, but I've heard her say it.

1. you wouldn't.

2. that is my job.


Although I'll probably give up both... Once I figure out how to give up food. Haha... I've been a pig.


I'm at least consistently weighing in at 125lbs. I've really gained 125lbs as a stable weight. It feels good to be stabilized here. I lay down and my hip bones are incredibly obvious to me and my back feels like its made of bone.
Its funny to me the downsides of this weight is that I actually felt like my arms were flabby today. I've got tiny arms, but I shouldn't be able to feel my flesh jiggle when i walk...

I'll just have to lose the weight. That will solve the problem.


Ugh I also burned the roof of my mouth. I was cooking zucchini with nutritional yeast and coconut oil and the oil and yeast mixture literally blistered my mouth because I didn't let it cool first. I was... just... starving.
FML.

I feel like I should give up sandwiches for lent. If I give up sandwiches I'll lose weight I bet.
I'm not even catholic, but I'll take any excuse to die a little slower.


School is killing me. I stress ate so much today. I'm just hoping that I can be better tomorrow.


And yet... I'm planning on cooking myself a big homemade meal with my new homemade vegan gluten free country style gravy that I've been raving about.


I'm also going to take a huge risk. I'm hoping it pays off.
I mean... I'm taking a bigger risk than the usual ones. I'm going to lose over half my money doing this. But mentally I've already committed to it.

Finally, if you have a peach add me :D
forgetremembering

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