Who wants pictures?

Last night I was driving home and I was thinking that I don't have an eating disorder. That I'm just a wannarexic in disguise. Maybe I just want to lose the weight to prove a point, like the health teacher that ate nothing but Twinkies and other treats but still lost weight to help prove CICO. Maybe I'm just in this elaborate game of controlling myself to prove a point.


Last night I said I was going to binge with no limits set. I've been hungry for days, my weight has been slowly dropping. I deserve to finally not feel hungry again so I'll eat until I get there. I logged it all and I logged the other food I ate yesterday. Still less than 1200 calories.


Being around happy people makes me feel out of place. But I also am still in this warped position where I see my problems in every other person. I see people that can project happiness and then go home and feel empty. So in my mind most of the happiness still appears fabricated.
I remember when fabricated happiness was good enough for me. I wonder what changed.



I keep getting in the position where I've got a hold on my sleep patterns and then I do something to dissolve it all. I need to be stricter on when I sleep and how I wake up. I'm hoping to use outside motivation to achieve this. Life is too difficult to manage it all on your own.
Or maybe I'm just in a place where I know I can't solve my problems by myself and so I'm just stuck in a dependent perspective.



I've had a few minor health concerns lately. I actually got a UTI. Thank god I have this hoard of supplements. D-Mannose solves those very quickly (within 3 hours!). I had a scratchy throat thing that I resolved about 90% of the sensation within a few days of using Manuka Honey. Medicinal mushrooms were doing nothing for it. There is one thing I haven't fixed yet... my stupid sublinqual peptide has been giving me a lingering taste... I'm going to have to stop taking it sublingually for a while. I'd expect this from something that tastes like fruity wasabi.


I made the most delicious homemade pesto sauces of my life. BUT I CAN'T EAT THEM BECAUSE ITS TOO MUCH. I can't even try. Lol. I just want to sell them all. I just don't want anyone to be suspicious about me giving away food.

Besides that I've been well.
I hate school.
Nothing changes.

Clearly unfocused

I feel like I'm currently in a spiritual realm where I'm hovering between different futures.


One future I actually succeed in school but don't make progress anywhere else.

Another I start to build a business out of homemade healthy foods and end up with either a basket of experience or a stockade of items and tons of networking work ahead of me.

And the most alluring of them all... a universe where my BMI is so low that sometimes forces me into treatment.



Anyways... an adjusted BMI calculator puts me at a 16 BMI today. 185cm and 57.6kg.  I'll be getting lower.


I've been using a calorie tracker faily religiously. I've only missed 2 or 3 days since I started the tracker. MyPlate is a good app. I'm also proud that I've gotten over 100% of the fiber it recommends almost every day.



I almost haven't been working. It scares me a little because financially i worry. But I just need to stop spending money on food and I'll accomplish two things... getting thinner and not spending all my money.


I need to run today or tomorrow. But I have a lot of school work to do today. So it might not happen today. (probably will not happen even though I feel like i NEED it). I'm craving running like its a frickin food group right now.



It feels too difficult to focus today. Yesterday was like that as well. I think I was like that Monday. My thoughts are like bees and I can't hear their happy song humming because all I think about is buzzing.




I don't know what will calm everything down, but I remember after waking up and weighing myself and doing the BMI calculation it felt like I started the day accomplishing something.
Can you tell I watched the 'make your bed' video where the advice given to graduating peeps was make your bed?

The Day of the Sparrow

Holy fuck i messed up.


So my sister was doing me a favor and helping me organize my room. I had a minor freak out because my scale was in the center of my bed, so i hid it before she came over. And she finds the instructions for the scale instead -_-

I'm incredibly stupid. Lets get this straight.
This is the closest I feel like I've been to getting caught. I'm the deepest I've been (yeah I've been a lower weight, but never as devoted or confident... before it was automatic... now my mind is clear and my body isn't even in the pain it was in before). I've had these thoughts and habits for years without my family knowing for sure. And I might have just given away a huge clue tonight. A clue that makes you not even question if I'm TRYING to lose weight.

Because before I used to be able to make excuses, but now it blatantly looks like I'm guilty and of course I am.


I went the whole day without food until I went to my parent's house. And funny enough they made a meat entree so i conveniently couldn't eat any of it. I ate broccoli without complaints and talked about my healthy eating habits. LOL. HEALTHY.
Anyways I put up a good facade. I've been doing so for years. I feel like my identity was dormant for so long as I lived healthfully under my parent's roof. I'm not there anymore. I get to fast. I shall wither into bones. My damn thighs will get skinnier than my knees.


So I've messed up.
But I don't think I'll be going to treatment yet. I think the earliest that could happen is... February. And I don't see it happening then. I'd imagine I'll be sent in August of 2018. But this is just baseless predictions.




I keep forgetting to mention this very important detail of today. I ran during a fasting period. I ran without food in my system. Its actually the first time I've done that without feeling like I was going to faint. I feel like I've begun to master fasting.

Damn I need to cut this short and sleep.

I feel so busy all of a sudden.


I might post my calorie tracking.
I also have a rant due about calories in and calories out. If I do that rant I'll probably post body checks to reinforce my ideas.





Why even read this blog?

Who do you trust

My height is 6'1'
I'm sure this scale is wrong and is putting my weight too low.

But do you trust me or do you trust this machine?

What color is silver?

I had a successful fast on a day where my friend I was fasting with did not.
But its not her fault that she couldn't do it.


I want to talk about my success here. It was a hard day to fast just because of the sheer amount of activity that day required me to do. I felt like the next day I had a bit of lightheadedness. But even though I was already eating again on Thursday something that could explain my mental state is that I was eating Keto. I just didn't want to waste some food so I broke keto this morning.

Its incredibly surprising to me that people live without knowing what ketosis is. The dictionary that spellchecks for blogger doesn't recognize it as a word either so its understandable.

Keto is so wonderful. Its just hard to do while vegetarian.
I rarely mention it but my diet is pretty dang vegetarian.


I need to see how keto athletic feels. Like how does it feel to exercise while in ketosis?
Its crazy to me how much I haven't done to my body yet. Like I'm so caught up in everything I'm currently looking at that I don't even feel like I have time to consider what tattoo I'd want.

I've been snarky at work. People deserve it.
I wonder if anyone looks at my behavior and sees it in the perspective that they might deserve my snark. Most people probably don't feel like they ever deserve anyone being even 1% rude to them.
But I'll let you know... people that treat me well reap the rewards. I show appreciation in any way I can. And I even attempt to show appreciation in ways I'm not supposed to sometimes. As respectfully as I can at least...

Sometimes people ask me questions that I'm not qualified to answer.
Want to know a silly one
What color is colloidal silver?
Look it up yourself. You'll find if you dig deep enough some sources will say it should be clear and some say when the potency is high enough it should be brownish.
But when something gets sensationalized as a sellable product with competing companies its hard to know what the textbook answer is all of a sudden.


The amount of people in California that believe 'cancer cannot survive an alkaline environment' so they need to drink high pH water is ridiculous.

Thin blood

What do you do when you run out of willpower?

You give in.
The amount that you care tanks and self esteem plummets with it.



But eventually life goes back to normal. Regret settles in. And then everything has to be rebuilt.




I feel like sleep cycles help predict these patterns.

Cause of Death

From Tuesday 3pm till thursday morning I fasted.


I did a mini road trip.

People that are afraid of fainting when fasting just haven't taken good enough care of their body. When you get proper nutrients your body performs the same on a fast. In fact you get a mild stimulatory effect. So even though the traffic was boring and I didn't get quite as much sleep as I wanted Wednesday I was alert enough to drive 6 hours.


Then today... well if today wasn't planned it would have been considered a failure. I've eaten plenty today.

My average for the past few days should be pretty low. I should be calorie deficient. And as long as I'm consistent I lose weight. If I'm not then well... It doesn't matter. If I keep trying I will succeed.




To the bone is out very soon. By the time people read this post it should be out.

Something you'll notice about the movie that they got right was the use of a powerful mantra to starve.
Its because willpower is easier to achieve when you have something to use as a foundation. If you have a principle or idea that idea can be stronger than the survival instinct to eat if you drill it in deep enough.

Its why I repeat myself so damn much. I'm trying to strengthen my mantra to beat my survival.



Can someone put that as my
Cause of death