Mortal complaints and sleep

I'm currently alive.


Sleeping is a trade. I don't want to lose time just to regain my coordination, but I'm forced to.
I want more time so badly that I would like to stay awake till night when I've been up since yesterday, but I would need assistance for that to happen. I don't even like putting caffeine in my body still.

I still don't drink alcohol. I'm still 6'1" and closer to 130lbs than 140lbs.
I feel like I've figured some things out that I hadn't thought of before and none of my goals feel as important anymore.
Maybe one of the reasons why I'm not too motivated to plan ahead has to do with how satisfied I finally am. I like how comfortable my body feels. I use all my time and I don't have to try in order to succeed at what I'm busy with. I'm not even busy... Most of the time when I have things to do its just favors for other people and so the day passes by like it was never even mine.

What am i going to do today?
Probably start by sleeping.
This damn body and the weaknesses of being human.

This year November

I plan to weigh myself this November sometime and possibly post some pictures. I'm a bit sad about it because at one point I was really thin again, but I lost it... I had bruises from sleeping my body was so weak.

I just wanted attention is all.

Stay beautiful 

November

Manifesto

As insane as Elliot Rogers was, he documented his life quite aptly. And I'm convinced I'm just about as insane.

Thankfully I obsess over different things than he does. And I prefer to enact vengeance through profound love

Stay beautiful

Nonpolar lotions

My body has gotten tired of fighting the poison oak. I can feel it. My lungs ache from this battle and while my head tells me I am starving I can't eat any more. I've got no time for digestion.

I keep waking up after 4 or so hours of sleep from the rash. Both arms, and armpit, forehead, left ear, left knuckle, hips, inner thighs, balls, dick, and right eyelid.

I've gained a few insights from this. I believe acne treatment helps solve it. Tonight is the night I'm trying, as acne treatment is meant to pull the oils out of the face and poison oak is an oil, something like a 22 chain carbon compound. It absorbs through the skin slowly because of its size, but so heavily nonpolar that water will slide off it like... Well there isn't much in the ways of nonpolar commodities for comparison. In two days it will have been a week of suffering.

I've suffered before.

I can do it again.

Stay beautiful

Hilariously enough I got poison oak everywhere after making that infected post. Go me

Infected

I know what the dashes spell out for your blog name.

I felt I had to make a post because there is something bothering me. But I doubt it will cease to bother me until my memory neglects it long enough to let the forgetting pick it up.


The position of acceptance for a female in society is so largely based on her weight. A fat girl has so fewer doors open to her on boyfriend she can get if she wants one. If she just changes her weight without changing anything else the world opens up to her.
In my own mind I just keep wishing girls could never get fat.

I think I am as shallow as the next guy. But I like to blame my mental illness on why I am that shallow. I have tried to be intimate with a person who had a body i did not agree with or lust for. It was dizzying even if i admired the character and facial features. I honestly felt like purging. I could go on to explain every symptom of my discomfort, but I feel it is simply sufficient to say the reaction was a whole-scale physiological rejection. I can't control how my body feels or if my autonomous nervous system wants to activate fight or flight or release bile.
And I'm deeply sorry for that. I feel terrible.


Hopefully at the very least I can cover up these feelings to only myself being affected.
Infected


Stay beautiful