Aencephaly

I don't know what to call this.
 
I'm lightheaded.  Have had 3 meals today. 
I ve been trying to stick to an 8-12 meal diet, where 1 meal equals a 'meal' in my mind.  I've been undershooting a lot more than overshooting.  Weird.
 
Today I felt sadness.  Its been a long time.  And what me sad?  I lost hours at work.
Money...
I no longer feel it anymore.  I could use the free time.  And my work cut my hours because my work ethic sucked for a closing shift and I left the store messy.  I'm closing that same store now (doing my job?  Kinda, I have just enough flexibility that this is semi-allowed) and they seem to be checking on me.  But I always am paranoid.  I'm doing good deeds right now that I hope I don't get recognized for.  I just want to forget them all and sleep.  Thats what is so great about sadness, it makes you sleepy enough to drift away.
 
I have a new friend in one of my classes.  I don't make friends often so this is alien.
someone is comming
 
or not...  going to the jewlers next door.
oh well, I get paid to do this.
 
 
I don't have much to say today/tonight/this evening.
 
Stay beautiful

Hyde-hidehidehidehidehide

I gave blood today.
But I want to give more...

I want to drain out, because the more blood I give the better it feels.  I feel like I'm awake for once.  And then after that feeling comes the immense wealth of fatigue.
I never get tired...
Its not fair.

I can't stand you when you complain.  I can't stand you when you rationalize.  I can only stand you when you are abstract, when you fail to make sense.  You are strongest when you aren't yourself.
Because I...
I am weak.

You are weak



I have been rereading Sophie's World.  Best book I could buy with $4.  I now own two copies of that book just because.
I want to bleed.

I don't know what is going through my head.  I'm a weakling when it comes to cutting and starving.  Its just... this weird restlessness.  I don't hear voices in my head, but I do feel the urges.  And I interpret those...
I don't know what I can believe.
I don't know. 
I want to be my impulses more than I want to be me...

Is there something wrong with that?



Stay Beautiful 

Sapian

Choice is an illusion...

You see, when you know more about all the possible actions and outcomes, you come to realize that you only have one choice.  That the best answer is the only answer, because all other ways destroy you, kill you, or impoverish you.

The future is a walled room with no door and no windows.  Light comes from nowhere, illuminating the room.  You look around you, confirming to yourself that there is no way out.  No doors, no windows, four solid walls.  Then the walls begin drawing in.  The walls are coming closer.  And there isn't one thing you can do, because choice is an illusion.

There is no way out...





Stay Beautiful

Loosened screws

I must define everything.


gah...
I'm not here.

The words aren't comming yet.
Silence drags on...

Stay Beautiful

Sisyphus

There is something sacred about silence.
I have so much on my mind right now that I don't know what to say.  I feel like if I were to try to explain all of these words I would say too many things that are not true.  I'm trying to be true.

The only person it seems I can be true to is myself.
I am sorry me.  I have failed you.  I will fail you.  I am weak.  I am undeserving.  I am a waste.  I waste.  I grow fat and old.  Dear me, I am sorry.

I am tired in the mornings.  And at night I don't want to admit it, but I'm tired again.  I have one day left in my mind to do my homework.  It is the greatest demon in my life right now.
I don't know why, but I can't overcome thing.
Sisyphus. 


Sisyphus sisyphus sisyphus.
I want to break down and cry.  I let myself down, but I'm also letting all the people the depend on me down.
I need blood.

I need to bleed...
And I'm so tired tonight.
I shall sleep, and wake up tired in the morning.

Give me silence.
I may never sort though my words, but at least I won't tell lies.
The silent do not tell lies.
They let the truth happen...


Stay Beautiful

Undergraded

Some people have life so easy.

Some people...
Sorry for my absence, while some people I know have had people to clean up for them, I have been endlessly turning over the soil of my life and finding... its dirty.  I'm all mud and earth.
First off, I haven't posted since my most recent of great sins.  I'm sorry, but that information might just be left out of here.  It made me sick.
I am sick.
My mind is sick.
People call the way I think sick.
No matter.

Those people have life so easy...  They should try harder.  I'm always striving for something.  Right now, its the grades.  Grinding my head against stone, making cornmeal with my poor intelligence and selling it for minimal wares.  I don't know much, but I try to learn.

By the way... as an aside I would like to mention how much I distrust the phrase "I know"
I have been trying to catch myself, if I ever want to say "I know" I stop.  Because do I know?  And also, most of the time you say "I know" in response to a mistake.  You should be apologizing, not stubbornly acknowledging that YOU KNOW.
Chances are you didn't know, and it doesn't make a difference you know now.  All you are doing is showing what you could have been if you only tried harder. 
Try harder...
Trying...

I'm trying to learn, but somehow even though I am the student with the most participation in the lectures, the student that can demonstrate superior knowledge on the subject... somehow I miss things on the exam.  I don't mess up on a large scale, but I mess up enough that I get 87% or 90%.  And "I KNOW" this shit.
Or maybe I don't.
And I shouldn't assert that I do.
I just frustrated myself by saying I knew...
I guess...
I guess I don't deserve the grade.
Its just been so much work
and I wish something came out of it.

I try.


Some people have life so easy
It makes me wonder
Do they try>?



Stay Beautiful

Second Chances

Wanna know whats funny?  I thought I wasn't eating disordered anymore.
I unintentionally have been living off of little food and losing weight.  I just noticed it today when a friend told me I lost weight.  I kept thinking its because I decided to wear a shirt that shows my collarbone today...
But now I feel it.  I'm on my low.  You know... when your weight fluctuates and you are lighter... I'm there now.  Been living off of 2 fuji apples, water, and plenty of stress every day for about a week.
I'm low on energy.

Weird how I can't escape it.
I don't care, because its part of me.  It has been for a long time.
Just... tired.  Lots of headaches.  I'm not hungry even when i haven't eaten.
I know people will think there is something wrong with me.  Gah... its so annoying because I'm so healthy.

I haven't been able to work out forrealz yet.  Its eating at me.
Eating... haha.
God I'm funny.

I love being messed up


Stay Beautiful