Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday is Today?
I have stress from school and all this extra baggage is getting me to devour everything. Its all unhealthy.
I only ran 7 miles yesterday, my ipod malfunctioned and I decided to turn back. There was hardly anyone running on the trail and it was cold.
Today is cold.
It is so cold I it hurts. Dammit, I hate having a weakness. I hate that it is such a common thing. I'm getting destroyed by this chill. Its nothing more than a chill...
I thought about it. I'm 6'1" (maybe taller) and 140 pounds, so I have a lot of surface area to density. I am exposed to more cold, and I have a larger body to warm up. So logically cold should effect me more than most people.
Its just ridiculous.
I want to be lazy. I already know I am going to fail 3 out of 6 classes at least. I could fail more if I don't whip out something extraordinary very soon. On top of that I don't have any classes next semester, and my chances of getting what I need are small.
I want it to be 100 Fahrenheit, or 40 Centigrade (I know 40 centigrade is lower). When it is that temperature I don't have to heat up my own body. The only dangers are sunburn and dehydration. And I love fighting those.
It is hard to fight your own body.
I have had to do a lot of that lately.
Sorry, I have been eating and eating and eating.
... failure begets failure...
This weekend I won't be able to post, or talk to anyone.
I will be at drum and bugle corps, trying my hardest to skip a meal. I need this to prove to myself again that I am Ana.
And I'm sorry to all the people that think I should recover, because it would be nice to live long and well.
But I need to show this world it can be done.
Stay Beautiful
I only ran 7 miles yesterday, my ipod malfunctioned and I decided to turn back. There was hardly anyone running on the trail and it was cold.
Today is cold.
It is so cold I it hurts. Dammit, I hate having a weakness. I hate that it is such a common thing. I'm getting destroyed by this chill. Its nothing more than a chill...
I thought about it. I'm 6'1" (maybe taller) and 140 pounds, so I have a lot of surface area to density. I am exposed to more cold, and I have a larger body to warm up. So logically cold should effect me more than most people.
Its just ridiculous.
I want to be lazy. I already know I am going to fail 3 out of 6 classes at least. I could fail more if I don't whip out something extraordinary very soon. On top of that I don't have any classes next semester, and my chances of getting what I need are small.
I want it to be 100 Fahrenheit, or 40 Centigrade (I know 40 centigrade is lower). When it is that temperature I don't have to heat up my own body. The only dangers are sunburn and dehydration. And I love fighting those.
It is hard to fight your own body.
I have had to do a lot of that lately.
Sorry, I have been eating and eating and eating.
... failure begets failure...
This weekend I won't be able to post, or talk to anyone.
I will be at drum and bugle corps, trying my hardest to skip a meal. I need this to prove to myself again that I am Ana.
And I'm sorry to all the people that think I should recover, because it would be nice to live long and well.
But I need to show this world it can be done.
Stay Beautiful
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Understand No
I was about to sleep and I felt my hipbones.
I don't belive it... I binged tonight. I've been eating all day...
I don't belive it... I binged tonight. I've been eating all day...
Symmetry
Symmetry means something like "same measurement."
I really wish I could aim for something like that. I would like to be the same size as those really small girls. Or I'd like to be my own male form of perfection, tall, toned, thin. So thin it scares people, so thin it is surprising that I am as agile as I am.
I'm not getting there anytime soon.
Can I at least say that school is to blame?
Except it isn't... I'm eating a lot of food because I'm hungry. I don't get it... Thats not why you eat, you EAT TO LIVE.
NOT LIVE TO EAT.
I feel constantly hungry. And so I am constantly eating.
I feel good that I have done multiple 11 mile runs. I can easily hoist my instrument, I've been getting the sleep I need and I have purged again. Sometimes I even binge on good foods like salad, or carrots, or apples or strawberries.
I eat half of dinner.
Everything is low calorie.
But I eat so much... And I always finish the other half of my dinner the next day.
I don't like failing, but I'm doing a lot of it. Especially in school. But I got lucky and I whipped out a really good speech the morning before it was due: like presented due. I also need a haircut.
I'm going to shave my head in the summer for the first time ever.
I decided it... I'll update as the date gets near, but its in July. I will also disappear shortly afterward because of Drum and Bugle Corps.
I feel confident I will be on track a lot better in the summer. I have already tried reducing the meals in Drum Corps, and I was able to do it. And I have started the habit of working out on top of all the exercises they have us do.
I'm ready for that at least.
And I have another camp in April coming up. I'll get to test myself again there.
Another Symmetry idea happens to be with my body. My left side of my abs was not the same as the right. I figured it out, when I do twists, I go a little stronger to one side, thus developing that side more. So it wasn't symmetrical. But I have been working on it. I shall correct that.
I hate how I have flaws...
But I'm erasing them. Eventually I will run out of flaws to erase.
For all of you readers I hope that you all have the patience it takes to lose your flaws.
If you wait for long enough, you shall shed your skin.
It does take a constant effort.
Just remember: The way you make your bed is they way you sleep in it.
Stay Beautiful
I really wish I could aim for something like that. I would like to be the same size as those really small girls. Or I'd like to be my own male form of perfection, tall, toned, thin. So thin it scares people, so thin it is surprising that I am as agile as I am.
I'm not getting there anytime soon.
Can I at least say that school is to blame?
Except it isn't... I'm eating a lot of food because I'm hungry. I don't get it... Thats not why you eat, you EAT TO LIVE.
NOT LIVE TO EAT.
I feel constantly hungry. And so I am constantly eating.
I feel good that I have done multiple 11 mile runs. I can easily hoist my instrument, I've been getting the sleep I need and I have purged again. Sometimes I even binge on good foods like salad, or carrots, or apples or strawberries.
I eat half of dinner.
Everything is low calorie.
But I eat so much... And I always finish the other half of my dinner the next day.
I don't like failing, but I'm doing a lot of it. Especially in school. But I got lucky and I whipped out a really good speech the morning before it was due: like presented due. I also need a haircut.
I'm going to shave my head in the summer for the first time ever.
I decided it... I'll update as the date gets near, but its in July. I will also disappear shortly afterward because of Drum and Bugle Corps.
I feel confident I will be on track a lot better in the summer. I have already tried reducing the meals in Drum Corps, and I was able to do it. And I have started the habit of working out on top of all the exercises they have us do.
I'm ready for that at least.
And I have another camp in April coming up. I'll get to test myself again there.
Another Symmetry idea happens to be with my body. My left side of my abs was not the same as the right. I figured it out, when I do twists, I go a little stronger to one side, thus developing that side more. So it wasn't symmetrical. But I have been working on it. I shall correct that.
I hate how I have flaws...
But I'm erasing them. Eventually I will run out of flaws to erase.
For all of you readers I hope that you all have the patience it takes to lose your flaws.
If you wait for long enough, you shall shed your skin.
It does take a constant effort.
Just remember: The way you make your bed is they way you sleep in it.
Stay Beautiful
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Shadowed Luck
I have said I am tired.
Physically I am not tired. But emotionally I'm tired of running from the sadness. Yes, I'm sad. I am very sad.
But the worst part is I can't feel it. My life is crumbling to motes of dust, spread all over the surface. I'm thinly stretched. My will is nonexistent. I am disappointed in myself. I'm failing. I don't even reach out to the world because I don't know if I care. I can't feel a thing.
I don't know why I said all of that. I don't feel it at all.
What I feel... if I could describe it... is like when you are searching for a certain word.
The feeling when you had the word in your head for just a second, and it went somewhere else in your mind and suddenly you can't remember it again. But it was a second ago that you knew. You feel like you should know this word.
Instead of a word though... its depression. Its a blue void in the back of my head. I can't feel it, but I know it is there. I can't remember how it feels to be sad.
I miss it dearly.
I wish I was sad.
Stay Beautiful
Physically I am not tired. But emotionally I'm tired of running from the sadness. Yes, I'm sad. I am very sad.
But the worst part is I can't feel it. My life is crumbling to motes of dust, spread all over the surface. I'm thinly stretched. My will is nonexistent. I am disappointed in myself. I'm failing. I don't even reach out to the world because I don't know if I care. I can't feel a thing.
I don't know why I said all of that. I don't feel it at all.
What I feel... if I could describe it... is like when you are searching for a certain word.
The feeling when you had the word in your head for just a second, and it went somewhere else in your mind and suddenly you can't remember it again. But it was a second ago that you knew. You feel like you should know this word.
Instead of a word though... its depression. Its a blue void in the back of my head. I can't feel it, but I know it is there. I can't remember how it feels to be sad.
I miss it dearly.
I wish I was sad.
Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I blog about myself.
First off, 10 hours work, 1 huge bingefest of: Hamburger, in lettuce wrap, tater tots (small), milk, banana cookie bar (homemade), ice cream (mocha almond fudge), oat and choc bar, and asparagus. No 5am workout (alternative explained below) and SCHOOL IS KILLING ME.
Thank you.
I told someone that "I saved 2 lives" I've saved at least two lives, but I don't know what two lives I have saved. You see, I have talked to people that are looking for a way out. I have heard their revelation that suicide is the key. I talk to them, and eventually the waters calm. I have done this more than 5 times to 5 separate people. Twice I was able to manipulate them with the feeling they held for me.
I knew what I was doing, but most importantly, I didn't know any alternative.
I worked 10 hours today.
I'm still voicebroke from my illness.
I have yet to complete any substance in my research projects. By now this material is late.
I am skipping a class right now.
I have considered that perhaps my future lies not in the system of continued education, but in a shortcut. I can manually remove a virus, perhaps I could create an antivirus that is capable enough to be a practical purchase and make my living by distributing it for 99cents.
I could write wonderfully if only I prescribed myself to it.
Perhaps I should try my hand in the political arena... after all, I enjoy opposing bureaucracy.
Maybe a librarian. I enjoy research phenomenally, and it would do me pleasure to contain myself with a simple existence.
If the shortcut exists I wish I could get there soon. Before I waste due to the grinding in the back of my mind.
Someone as impartial as me shouldn't be bothered that their life is going in ruins. Or that they live contrary to their values.
I have been eating like a horse. Thankfully with my 10 hour shift that meant that I went a full 10 hours without food. I was working the entire time. A few times I caught myself whispering "I am not going to give up," yet I still showed fatigue. When I was alone...
I work at a dry cleaner. Today when I had my 10 hours I got to cover for someone that works at the store that runs all the shirt laundry. I had personally bagged over 200 shirts: I'm sure of it. I detailed in over $300 worth of clothes: certainly. And I collected most of $190 of strictly cash profits.
Those numbers sound to me similar to a day of my workouts. I'm glad I can accomplish the same quantities in money for my company as I provide in fitness to myself. I can do well over 300 push-ups, I can do well over 200 sit-ups, I can do 10 hours of exercise.
I'm so proud of my legs. I actually slimmed those down. It took a few weeks of those 5AM workouts... and today... I won't lie. I woke up for the 5am workout, I got out there, my best friend was there with me.
And we played the iPod game WORMS for an hour.
haha... good times...
He proposed that I bring my extra TV next time and we just game on that.
As a rule I like to aspire for more. I like to be the best. I like to best my own inhibitors. But this morning was so freaking cold. And if you have ever read my posts in the past you would know that cold is my kryptonite.
Cold=weakness.
I hope I have given you people enough content to scour through. After all, none of you should approve when I could be doing so much better. I almost approve.
I like to see strength. Anyone that tries hard enough has a place within my blessings.
Stay Beautiful
First off, 10 hours work, 1 huge bingefest of: Hamburger, in lettuce wrap, tater tots (small), milk, banana cookie bar (homemade), ice cream (mocha almond fudge), oat and choc bar, and asparagus. No 5am workout (alternative explained below) and SCHOOL IS KILLING ME.
Thank you.
I told someone that "I saved 2 lives" I've saved at least two lives, but I don't know what two lives I have saved. You see, I have talked to people that are looking for a way out. I have heard their revelation that suicide is the key. I talk to them, and eventually the waters calm. I have done this more than 5 times to 5 separate people. Twice I was able to manipulate them with the feeling they held for me.
I knew what I was doing, but most importantly, I didn't know any alternative.
I worked 10 hours today.
I'm still voicebroke from my illness.
I have yet to complete any substance in my research projects. By now this material is late.
I am skipping a class right now.
I have considered that perhaps my future lies not in the system of continued education, but in a shortcut. I can manually remove a virus, perhaps I could create an antivirus that is capable enough to be a practical purchase and make my living by distributing it for 99cents.
I could write wonderfully if only I prescribed myself to it.
Perhaps I should try my hand in the political arena... after all, I enjoy opposing bureaucracy.
Maybe a librarian. I enjoy research phenomenally, and it would do me pleasure to contain myself with a simple existence.
If the shortcut exists I wish I could get there soon. Before I waste due to the grinding in the back of my mind.
Someone as impartial as me shouldn't be bothered that their life is going in ruins. Or that they live contrary to their values.
I have been eating like a horse. Thankfully with my 10 hour shift that meant that I went a full 10 hours without food. I was working the entire time. A few times I caught myself whispering "I am not going to give up," yet I still showed fatigue. When I was alone...
I work at a dry cleaner. Today when I had my 10 hours I got to cover for someone that works at the store that runs all the shirt laundry. I had personally bagged over 200 shirts: I'm sure of it. I detailed in over $300 worth of clothes: certainly. And I collected most of $190 of strictly cash profits.
Those numbers sound to me similar to a day of my workouts. I'm glad I can accomplish the same quantities in money for my company as I provide in fitness to myself. I can do well over 300 push-ups, I can do well over 200 sit-ups, I can do 10 hours of exercise.
I'm so proud of my legs. I actually slimmed those down. It took a few weeks of those 5AM workouts... and today... I won't lie. I woke up for the 5am workout, I got out there, my best friend was there with me.
And we played the iPod game WORMS for an hour.
haha... good times...
He proposed that I bring my extra TV next time and we just game on that.
As a rule I like to aspire for more. I like to be the best. I like to best my own inhibitors. But this morning was so freaking cold. And if you have ever read my posts in the past you would know that cold is my kryptonite.
Cold=weakness.
I hope I have given you people enough content to scour through. After all, none of you should approve when I could be doing so much better. I almost approve.
I like to see strength. Anyone that tries hard enough has a place within my blessings.
Stay Beautiful
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