What are you doing?
I need to work on school.
You aren't doing that. You haven't even done anything today.
I did 300 push-ups.
300? Are you weak? Which hand are you doing them with?
I'm not doing one-armed at the moment. Why are you being so lazy huh?
School.
You know what. I'm leaving. You do your school. But when I come back. You had better be ready to die for me.
I'm always ready for that. I love you.
You need me that's what.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Body A Is Am I All
All I am is a body...
I have nothing when this is gone. If I stop working on my body I die. I am mindless, ambitionless, emotionless. If you break a bone so i can't walk I become half dead.
I have nothing to offer you but my body...
Giving blood is so important to me. But I'm having a hard time. I was so dizzy today from abstaining meals that I can't remember much. Life went by in a blur, uncordinated mess, but I'm getting thinner so it is okay.
Last night I gave myself a reward. I took a long hot shower. It was the greatest gift I could have gotten. It felt so much better than food tastes.
I love that song: Butterfly by Crazy Town. The lyrics are smooth, I wish I could talk like that.
F-F and I... I can't even think about that. I'm out of it. But I can tell you when my mind clears up she is there, until the fog covers all traces of her again. When I get into a relationship with her I hope I do not eat just to keep her in my mind. wow, that was selfish of you. I don't mean any insult to her. What I want is for her to be on my side. I would do anything to have her on my side. After all, I'm just trying to be more beautiful. I do not know... She is part of a good family. She would oppose all form of harm. I love her partly because of that.
A long time ago she found my poetry when I would write about 'the game' as I called it. I wrote about a demon torturing me. For one page I had described how the demon skinned my hand. For another he drowned me. In yet another dream he constricted vines from a rose bush on my skin; the thorns piercing and drawing blood, he scratched my eye and blood ran down my cheek mingled with tears and inter-um-what-is the word? fluid. I tried to reach my hand up to tend to my damaged eye, and the vines held me down, the thorns bit deeper, and I died bleeding to death. Strung out like a wet rag.
She read one, or maybe more, of these papers (much more graphic than I put here) and decided to talk to me; even though she was so shy she never would have on her own. But out of necessity and streghth she reached out to save me. This was 2-3 years ago, in the first year we had known each other. Since then she has grown, more kind, more caring, more beautiful.
Talent streaming out of her ears and grace flowing from her mouth.
I was disappointed tonight. We had some kind of a party that I had forgotten about. Where I had eaten nothing until this, I had to eat during it. I had rich food; salmon, Caesar salad with artichoke in it, asparagus (cooked in a special way that I invented), 1 shrimpn (people told me to eat the last one and watched me eat it), a leaf of lettuce, celery (yay!), tried a little of a cheese log, and finally, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I do not want to even estimate how the grossness sheer quantity of calories I consumed. I thought of purging; but I'm not doing it. I did so well for the rest of the day. I played tennis in the morning- windy as could be outside today- and went to work. I hate parties.
MY GRANDPA DIED.
THE ENTIRE PARTY PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE AT HIS FUNERAL BECAUSE HE HAD A GOOD LIFE; "Mourn his death, celebrate his life" AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M DREADING ANOTHER PARTY. I SHALL GO THROUGH WITH ANYTHING FOR HIM. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM, NO PARTY, NO STARVING, NOTHING ELSE.
I'm so emotionless I know I will not miss him. I can't help it. Please readers, forgive me, I can't even get to the point where I feel sorry for myself. I live a life without emotion. I am a rock.
I am nothing but a body...
Stay Beautiful
I have nothing when this is gone. If I stop working on my body I die. I am mindless, ambitionless, emotionless. If you break a bone so i can't walk I become half dead.
I have nothing to offer you but my body...
Giving blood is so important to me. But I'm having a hard time. I was so dizzy today from abstaining meals that I can't remember much. Life went by in a blur, uncordinated mess, but I'm getting thinner so it is okay.
Last night I gave myself a reward. I took a long hot shower. It was the greatest gift I could have gotten. It felt so much better than food tastes.
I love that song: Butterfly by Crazy Town. The lyrics are smooth, I wish I could talk like that.
F-F and I... I can't even think about that. I'm out of it. But I can tell you when my mind clears up she is there, until the fog covers all traces of her again. When I get into a relationship with her I hope I do not eat just to keep her in my mind. wow, that was selfish of you. I don't mean any insult to her. What I want is for her to be on my side. I would do anything to have her on my side. After all, I'm just trying to be more beautiful. I do not know... She is part of a good family. She would oppose all form of harm. I love her partly because of that.
A long time ago she found my poetry when I would write about 'the game' as I called it. I wrote about a demon torturing me. For one page I had described how the demon skinned my hand. For another he drowned me. In yet another dream he constricted vines from a rose bush on my skin; the thorns piercing and drawing blood, he scratched my eye and blood ran down my cheek mingled with tears and inter-um-what-is the word? fluid. I tried to reach my hand up to tend to my damaged eye, and the vines held me down, the thorns bit deeper, and I died bleeding to death. Strung out like a wet rag.
She read one, or maybe more, of these papers (much more graphic than I put here) and decided to talk to me; even though she was so shy she never would have on her own. But out of necessity and streghth she reached out to save me. This was 2-3 years ago, in the first year we had known each other. Since then she has grown, more kind, more caring, more beautiful.
Talent streaming out of her ears and grace flowing from her mouth.
I was disappointed tonight. We had some kind of a party that I had forgotten about. Where I had eaten nothing until this, I had to eat during it. I had rich food; salmon, Caesar salad with artichoke in it, asparagus (cooked in a special way that I invented), 1 shrimpn (people told me to eat the last one and watched me eat it), a leaf of lettuce, celery (yay!), tried a little of a cheese log, and finally, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I do not want to even estimate how the grossness sheer quantity of calories I consumed. I thought of purging; but I'm not doing it. I did so well for the rest of the day. I played tennis in the morning- windy as could be outside today- and went to work. I hate parties.
MY GRANDPA DIED.
THE ENTIRE PARTY PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE AT HIS FUNERAL BECAUSE HE HAD A GOOD LIFE; "Mourn his death, celebrate his life" AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M DREADING ANOTHER PARTY. I SHALL GO THROUGH WITH ANYTHING FOR HIM. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM, NO PARTY, NO STARVING, NOTHING ELSE.
I'm so emotionless I know I will not miss him. I can't help it. Please readers, forgive me, I can't even get to the point where I feel sorry for myself. I live a life without emotion. I am a rock.
I am nothing but a body...
Stay Beautiful
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
November 24
Oh, sorry about the false alarm. You see, I was so confused with my life I didn't notice the blood drive is next week. I shall be ready to give then thank you.
"She knows"
"Get away from me... I'm listening to you right now"
"You ate a lot today"
"And I'm not eating now, yeah I ate more than usual, but it was still below normal"
"Really? What did you eat?"
"Cookie dough, enough for 4 cookies, cereal- 1 and a half cups-, a sandwich bag of broccoli, 8 waffers (150 cals), a crepe..."
"And?"
"Nothing. I told you I was listening."
"Were you, that is a lot"
"I'll count it up quick if it makes you happy. I'm estimating 200 for the cookie dough, 350 for the cereal because its got all those nuts in it we know, 25 for the broccoli, and we know the 150. Then I'll give a 300 for that crepe even though it was small. So what was that huh?"
"1025, but you didn't count drink"
"Yeah, but we know I don't want to count that... otherwise I'm going to the 'unhealthy' habits"
"I'm not unhealthy... I'm trying to help you"
"I'm going to keep that body of yours beautiful okay?"
Maybe this isn't normal It feels too normal. My hip bones feel so good! But when I ate... It felt like they were pulling back. That was just my stomach bulging. I didn't eat SO much food my stomach would bulge, but I did have a gas reaction to the cookie dough- which wasn't the worst kind of dough there is anyway. It was a finish ribbon cookie dough. Oh, and I forgot 1 or 2 cookies, they had jam in them. so what 1100. Its under 1200. That is a realistic goal. And health professionals can't complain too much because I drink stuff too.
Health professionals recommend never going below 1200 calories a day for extended time.
So my grandpa is dying. I went to the hospital in ICU tonight to talk to him. I held his hand and asked him questions. I talked about drum and bugle corps while remembering how he used to eat flowers in his salad as a kid. He is jittery, confused, there is phlegm blocking his airway, the doctors don't have a complete diagnosis on why he suddenly nearly passed away, but he has had cancer for years. He probably will not make it to Thanksgiving which is 2 days away. I love him.
He is on marijuana, he thinks its cool. I think it is cool too. He does remind me a little of once when I was near high friends. He shakes a lot, and rambles. Lots of energy for someone who can't sleep or walk because his knees collapse.
Personally I think dying is cool. I'm sad for my grandpa, but I don't want to save him. I just want him to get some sleep before he dies, and I want him to leave ready; so if he has to say goodbye, or if he has to get up on his feet and die trying to walk then so be it. I want him to have the strength to go out the way he wants. Marijuana was always something he wanted to try before dying so he got that. It doesn't stop the pain he said, but he said it saves him from those other places.
He woke up at 3:30 because he had uncontrollable vomiting. He can't sleep. He is wired in at both arms at the bend in the elbow, and he has something in his left chest. We visit him.
I was glad I came, and when I told him I was glad of that he thanked me. I asked him if he ever thought it would be the last time, and that was when he looked me in the eye and turned normal for a second. He said he had been thinking that way for... and then he just lost track. But when he was trying to remember since he started thinking of death I saw fear in his eyes. He was afraid of something, maybe afraid I would find him weak.
I'll always remember that my grandpa died in a good way. Sure he can't do anything but wait, and he is hard to understand because he is so tired and drugged. But before he died he thought about it really hard, and then he talked to all of us, not all of us about death, but he was able to...
I'm looking to say something about him. You know... if you were to die. You would just want to lay down and sleep, but he keeps moving. He can't get out of bed- no strength- but keeps readjusting his pillow, scooting forward and back, crossing and uncrossing his legs. I think, that if he lives for a week like this, he will get up. To me, the best thing that could happen is that he gets up, and while everyone thinks it is all over he tells them that he is ready, and it is ready for him.
"The wise man is not caught unawares by death, when it comes his time he is always ready"
Stay Beautiful
"She knows"
"Get away from me... I'm listening to you right now"
"You ate a lot today"
"And I'm not eating now, yeah I ate more than usual, but it was still below normal"
"Really? What did you eat?"
"Cookie dough, enough for 4 cookies, cereal- 1 and a half cups-, a sandwich bag of broccoli, 8 waffers (150 cals), a crepe..."
"And?"
"Nothing. I told you I was listening."
"Were you, that is a lot"
"I'll count it up quick if it makes you happy. I'm estimating 200 for the cookie dough, 350 for the cereal because its got all those nuts in it we know, 25 for the broccoli, and we know the 150. Then I'll give a 300 for that crepe even though it was small. So what was that huh?"
"1025, but you didn't count drink"
"Yeah, but we know I don't want to count that... otherwise I'm going to the 'unhealthy' habits"
"I'm not unhealthy... I'm trying to help you"
"I'm going to keep that body of yours beautiful okay?"
Maybe this isn't normal It feels too normal. My hip bones feel so good! But when I ate... It felt like they were pulling back. That was just my stomach bulging. I didn't eat SO much food my stomach would bulge, but I did have a gas reaction to the cookie dough- which wasn't the worst kind of dough there is anyway. It was a finish ribbon cookie dough. Oh, and I forgot 1 or 2 cookies, they had jam in them. so what 1100. Its under 1200. That is a realistic goal. And health professionals can't complain too much because I drink stuff too.
Health professionals recommend never going below 1200 calories a day for extended time.
So my grandpa is dying. I went to the hospital in ICU tonight to talk to him. I held his hand and asked him questions. I talked about drum and bugle corps while remembering how he used to eat flowers in his salad as a kid. He is jittery, confused, there is phlegm blocking his airway, the doctors don't have a complete diagnosis on why he suddenly nearly passed away, but he has had cancer for years. He probably will not make it to Thanksgiving which is 2 days away. I love him.
He is on marijuana, he thinks its cool. I think it is cool too. He does remind me a little of once when I was near high friends. He shakes a lot, and rambles. Lots of energy for someone who can't sleep or walk because his knees collapse.
Personally I think dying is cool. I'm sad for my grandpa, but I don't want to save him. I just want him to get some sleep before he dies, and I want him to leave ready; so if he has to say goodbye, or if he has to get up on his feet and die trying to walk then so be it. I want him to have the strength to go out the way he wants. Marijuana was always something he wanted to try before dying so he got that. It doesn't stop the pain he said, but he said it saves him from those other places.
He woke up at 3:30 because he had uncontrollable vomiting. He can't sleep. He is wired in at both arms at the bend in the elbow, and he has something in his left chest. We visit him.
I was glad I came, and when I told him I was glad of that he thanked me. I asked him if he ever thought it would be the last time, and that was when he looked me in the eye and turned normal for a second. He said he had been thinking that way for... and then he just lost track. But when he was trying to remember since he started thinking of death I saw fear in his eyes. He was afraid of something, maybe afraid I would find him weak.
I'll always remember that my grandpa died in a good way. Sure he can't do anything but wait, and he is hard to understand because he is so tired and drugged. But before he died he thought about it really hard, and then he talked to all of us, not all of us about death, but he was able to...
I'm looking to say something about him. You know... if you were to die. You would just want to lay down and sleep, but he keeps moving. He can't get out of bed- no strength- but keeps readjusting his pillow, scooting forward and back, crossing and uncrossing his legs. I think, that if he lives for a week like this, he will get up. To me, the best thing that could happen is that he gets up, and while everyone thinks it is all over he tells them that he is ready, and it is ready for him.
"The wise man is not caught unawares by death, when it comes his time he is always ready"
Stay Beautiful
Monday, November 23, 2009
Time Melting
"You should eat today"
"But it doesn't feel right"
"Your mother just told you to eat."
"But its only been 6 hours... I can go so much longer without food"
"You should eat today because you are giving blood tomorrow"
"And who are you to say that I have to?"
"My name is common sense."
I might have freaked out just a half hour ago. My chest hurt. But I don't know why. It is not because I am too thin or I'm not eating enough. I eat plenty. Today I ate 2 pieces of toast for breakfast, and a bowl full of vegetables. I'm fine because I drink enough milk that I don't have to worry about a calorie deficiency at all. I swear I'm fine.
I want to try harder.
I'm still afraid of my mind. My silence is probably hurting her... and I feel it. Right after this I'm going to be there. It takes me time to prioritize.
Time is something I'm wasting all over the place.
Stay Beautiful
"But it doesn't feel right"
"Your mother just told you to eat."
"But its only been 6 hours... I can go so much longer without food"
"You should eat today because you are giving blood tomorrow"
"And who are you to say that I have to?"
"My name is common sense."
I might have freaked out just a half hour ago. My chest hurt. But I don't know why. It is not because I am too thin or I'm not eating enough. I eat plenty. Today I ate 2 pieces of toast for breakfast, and a bowl full of vegetables. I'm fine because I drink enough milk that I don't have to worry about a calorie deficiency at all. I swear I'm fine.
I want to try harder.
I'm still afraid of my mind. My silence is probably hurting her... and I feel it. Right after this I'm going to be there. It takes me time to prioritize.
Time is something I'm wasting all over the place.
Stay Beautiful
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Mind Out In
I'm out of my Mind because I'm stuck in it.
No. I cannot explain.
I saw an old friend and she said "you lost weight": it felt so good to hear that. Then she said "...you could die". No.
Give me some credit. People say to me all the time "You are Genius!" I'm not going to die like this... I'm smart.
Smart = I'm going to eat tonight, we have this small thanksgiving get together with friends... and because I'm smart I shall eat.
I'd like to tell you the progress I've made, but I do not have a clue.
I can't remember what I ate, or didn't eat...
How many push-ups I did. What other activities I did. I seriously do not know.
I can give blood in 2 days. And I will. So if it kills me... That might be a good way to die.
I just told you I will not die. But I'm kind of hoping that giving blood is as serious as they say. Because it never is... Giving blood was the same to me as getting a shot. It stings, the bandage looks like a bandage and hurts when you take it off, and you don't feel lighter or light headed or anything. Well, except the thing where when I get poked for a needle to give blood I black out- remain 100% conscious, but I see black for a while- I'm fine. I can talk all the way through it. I feel better really fast. I bleed out in about 6 minutes. I can do it. I won't die, even though I would like to... just a little.
I want to die just a little.
Stay Beautiful
No. I cannot explain.
I saw an old friend and she said "you lost weight": it felt so good to hear that. Then she said "...you could die". No.
Give me some credit. People say to me all the time "You are Genius!" I'm not going to die like this... I'm smart.
Smart = I'm going to eat tonight, we have this small thanksgiving get together with friends... and because I'm smart I shall eat.
I'd like to tell you the progress I've made, but I do not have a clue.
I can't remember what I ate, or didn't eat...
How many push-ups I did. What other activities I did. I seriously do not know.
I can give blood in 2 days. And I will. So if it kills me... That might be a good way to die.
I just told you I will not die. But I'm kind of hoping that giving blood is as serious as they say. Because it never is... Giving blood was the same to me as getting a shot. It stings, the bandage looks like a bandage and hurts when you take it off, and you don't feel lighter or light headed or anything. Well, except the thing where when I get poked for a needle to give blood I black out- remain 100% conscious, but I see black for a while- I'm fine. I can talk all the way through it. I feel better really fast. I bleed out in about 6 minutes. I can do it. I won't die, even though I would like to... just a little.
I want to die just a little.
Stay Beautiful
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Finest
I have surrendered to geekdom. Magic The Gathering took my soul for a while... I'm sorry I let it happen everybody!
Now I have this huge mess of cardboard pretty cards everywhere...
I have been bored.
Today was a struggle. It felt like there wasn't enough food in me and I ate a small small portion of dinner. I'm so glad I got away with it. Yet the whole time, I felt like I ate too much. I would eat an apple and think too much sugar. And so I never ate my pear.
One liberating thing is giving food away. G. hung out with me while I typed up a last minute draft of a term paper and I have him food. Friends help you out when you are in need. And if I collapsed while making my dizzy-headed way up the stairs, G. would have saved me. Of course, I wasn't even dizzy headed until he left. Then I felt so out of it.
F-F wants me to see her again this weekend. Saturday night we shall meet when the sun is down. It will be crowded, she will be surrounded by some kind of group of people, so it would be the time for me to show the world what I feel for F-F is true. I have to show myself this. The worst part of this... I feel sick thinking about it. How can I publicly say to someone "I love you" when I am so afraid of the crowd? I know I can do it... but can I feel it while I do it? Can I leave the eyes of the people staring at me behind me, and keep my focus on the one it should be on? I am more afraid of myself and my own in-competencies than the crowd's judging eye.
What did I eat today? Well, I know I did pretty well because I can't even think of what I ate... I ate breakfast of those bars I made... That was the worst thing of the day. And those things are really healthy. I like that when I bring them with me for food they are so easy to get people to try. I say "I made this banana bread with no butter and no egg- not even substitutes" and they are like "no way" and so I break of half for them so I don't have to eat as much. They always say that it is really good. One time my friend Watson said "its really dry", but that was with the original recipe; which I changed so that they are always moist. I do know how to cook!
I will talk more about these banana bread bars some other time. I practically make them twice a month, and I hardly have to eat any of them because they are so good my family eats them for breakfast, snack and dessert and never notices when I do or do not touch them.
I'm glad tomorrow is Friday because I have been far too lazy for my own good. Or my own bad if you think working on my physique is a negative thing.
I should go to sleep and get the earliest start I can tomorrow!
So goodnight
and
One last thing... I have not told F-F I have an ED. I want her to be my girlfriend in the future. For now we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we might just be as soon as next month. I've brainstormed things like what to do for a really romantic first kiss, but I don't know when to break it to her that the guy she is with wants to be a skeleton and needs to starve. Because if I had to choose... Would it be Ana or F-F?
It is sad that I would even consider such a thing... I would choose F-F. But I would at least miss Ana, and I wouldn't go easily. Because I can't. I don't want to leave.
Stay Beautiful
Now I have this huge mess of cardboard pretty cards everywhere...
I have been bored.
Today was a struggle. It felt like there wasn't enough food in me and I ate a small small portion of dinner. I'm so glad I got away with it. Yet the whole time, I felt like I ate too much. I would eat an apple and think too much sugar. And so I never ate my pear.
One liberating thing is giving food away. G. hung out with me while I typed up a last minute draft of a term paper and I have him food. Friends help you out when you are in need. And if I collapsed while making my dizzy-headed way up the stairs, G. would have saved me. Of course, I wasn't even dizzy headed until he left. Then I felt so out of it.
F-F wants me to see her again this weekend. Saturday night we shall meet when the sun is down. It will be crowded, she will be surrounded by some kind of group of people, so it would be the time for me to show the world what I feel for F-F is true. I have to show myself this. The worst part of this... I feel sick thinking about it. How can I publicly say to someone "I love you" when I am so afraid of the crowd? I know I can do it... but can I feel it while I do it? Can I leave the eyes of the people staring at me behind me, and keep my focus on the one it should be on? I am more afraid of myself and my own in-competencies than the crowd's judging eye.
What did I eat today? Well, I know I did pretty well because I can't even think of what I ate... I ate breakfast of those bars I made... That was the worst thing of the day. And those things are really healthy. I like that when I bring them with me for food they are so easy to get people to try. I say "I made this banana bread with no butter and no egg- not even substitutes" and they are like "no way" and so I break of half for them so I don't have to eat as much. They always say that it is really good. One time my friend Watson said "its really dry", but that was with the original recipe; which I changed so that they are always moist. I do know how to cook!
I will talk more about these banana bread bars some other time. I practically make them twice a month, and I hardly have to eat any of them because they are so good my family eats them for breakfast, snack and dessert and never notices when I do or do not touch them.
I'm glad tomorrow is Friday because I have been far too lazy for my own good. Or my own bad if you think working on my physique is a negative thing.
I should go to sleep and get the earliest start I can tomorrow!
So goodnight
and
One last thing... I have not told F-F I have an ED. I want her to be my girlfriend in the future. For now we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we might just be as soon as next month. I've brainstormed things like what to do for a really romantic first kiss, but I don't know when to break it to her that the guy she is with wants to be a skeleton and needs to starve. Because if I had to choose... Would it be Ana or F-F?
It is sad that I would even consider such a thing... I would choose F-F. But I would at least miss Ana, and I wouldn't go easily. Because I can't. I don't want to leave.
Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cold The
The Cold.
Today was freezing, I was outside all day. I wasn't cold. I had on a cotton shirt, and a Body Glove. I have got to go shopping for more of those things...
I was able to stand out there where everyone else was freezing with their jackets and scarfs and heavy coats, and I was fine in a body glove plus another layer. Maybe wearing one of those things is not always so magical, but still, I need more anyway. Whats more, I looked it up: they are on sale! (of course... it isn't water-sporting season... It would be a wonder if the store stocks any at the moment).
I apologize for the absence. I have been out of my mind tired. Sleep hasn't been easy lately. My shoulders have been hurting. And I'm ready to cause them more pain on Friday.
It seems my cat has scratched my forearm, and the cut looks beautiful. Is this wrong to think?
I like the look of my skin with a little blood showing through, the perfect little seams of dried blood around the cuts. The pinkish tint around the incision. It is so pretty.
I didn't do it...
Food! My body has been screaming for food. And I keep saying no. I said yes once when I shouldn't have today. I felt like I needed something... I don't think I did, but maybe that is what got me through work today. I ate some cookies; really small cookies, but enough that it would be the same as if I ate a few big ones. Besides that I haven't had many calories at all. I'm under 1200 today- This is not recommended by your doctor (for extended periods of time). Which is good news.
So, I need a body glove, my body is more beautiful with blood splashed on it, and I'm doing quite well with food. I'm sad I can't work as hard on the weekends as on week days. But my gosh... it is cold. I'm going to be able to see tomorrow of the body glove really helped or not. Hope it was the reason I felt so great today. Because it would be the perfect reward for regaining my six pack. Forgot to mention that, but I slimmed down my waist, and buffed out the abs a little, and it is back! Yay! I felt so wide for a while, and without the clear definition I am used to, I felt fat too! It was sad. And the workouts I am doing are easy to maintain. I'm so happy.
I have to dedicate some of my happiness to F-F. Because of her, part of my mind is constantly in bliss.
Stay Beautiful.
Today was freezing, I was outside all day. I wasn't cold. I had on a cotton shirt, and a Body Glove. I have got to go shopping for more of those things...
I was able to stand out there where everyone else was freezing with their jackets and scarfs and heavy coats, and I was fine in a body glove plus another layer. Maybe wearing one of those things is not always so magical, but still, I need more anyway. Whats more, I looked it up: they are on sale! (of course... it isn't water-sporting season... It would be a wonder if the store stocks any at the moment).
I apologize for the absence. I have been out of my mind tired. Sleep hasn't been easy lately. My shoulders have been hurting. And I'm ready to cause them more pain on Friday.
It seems my cat has scratched my forearm, and the cut looks beautiful. Is this wrong to think?
I like the look of my skin with a little blood showing through, the perfect little seams of dried blood around the cuts. The pinkish tint around the incision. It is so pretty.
I didn't do it...
Food! My body has been screaming for food. And I keep saying no. I said yes once when I shouldn't have today. I felt like I needed something... I don't think I did, but maybe that is what got me through work today. I ate some cookies; really small cookies, but enough that it would be the same as if I ate a few big ones. Besides that I haven't had many calories at all. I'm under 1200 today- This is not recommended by your doctor (for extended periods of time). Which is good news.
So, I need a body glove, my body is more beautiful with blood splashed on it, and I'm doing quite well with food. I'm sad I can't work as hard on the weekends as on week days. But my gosh... it is cold. I'm going to be able to see tomorrow of the body glove really helped or not. Hope it was the reason I felt so great today. Because it would be the perfect reward for regaining my six pack. Forgot to mention that, but I slimmed down my waist, and buffed out the abs a little, and it is back! Yay! I felt so wide for a while, and without the clear definition I am used to, I felt fat too! It was sad. And the workouts I am doing are easy to maintain. I'm so happy.
I have to dedicate some of my happiness to F-F. Because of her, part of my mind is constantly in bliss.
Stay Beautiful.
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