Blood Gave

I gave blood today

I also ate SO FREAKING MUCH.

I didn't pass out.

Those three things are enough.

42

I didn't eat any more, had only 205 calories more of drink: 2 glasses soymilk and 1 green tea.
Total of today is 905 calories. I also ran my mile, literally ran it at a really fast pace, and then I did pull-ups in between walking laps. Total on those was 43: 10, 11, 10 12.

My mother is really suspicious. Asking "what did you eat for dinner?" Of course I ate nothing, but she doesn't know for sure. I know she suspects, she asks me all kinds of subtle questions, as if she really is testing the lies I give her. She tries to act normal, but at least I know that what I choose is not what she thinks of as normal. I think its normal.
I think I am supposed to starve.

I'm really disoriented right now. I will live.
When my thoughts muddle like this, it makes me feel like I know I'm going to lose weight. Like I'm really that low on sugars and energy sources, so my body will use the little fat I have left. I'm afraid at the same time... what if I lose muscle? Of course I want to be lighter, and I don't mind losing a little bit, but there are some features I would like to keep strong. But I can't think of anything I am willing to lose.
I'm still trying.

I am still trying.

Romantic Not

People have internal conflicts all the time. I apologize for talking about dreams.

I'm also sorry because i author this blog, and eat like a pig. 780 Calories by 1:30 PM. Its gross how much I eat. Somehow, i manage to feel a little sick. My forehead is hot, but besides that and being more tired than usual, I have nothing else. I'm taking these ailments as a serious warning; for example I just washed my hands. Any time I remember I'm going to do something to fight this before I actually get sick. Although sick people lose weight, they have to lay down and do nothing, and they have to eat. I don't want to get sick, because then I can't run, and I can't do push-ups or anything. So I'm going to fight some invisible feeling that i have.
I'm allowing myself even more bananas than I usually eat. I'm probably going to have 3 bananas today, I have already eaten two. But for some reason, I am just so tired.

Anyways, I rode my unicycle for 4 miles so far today and I fixed the tire on my bike. I was thinking of biking to school instead of driving... it is around 10 miles, and mostly uphill, but if I wake up early enough it should be possible. And if I do... I'm thinking about it.

I have to focus on school, grades are the most important thing in my life.

Thanks for reading.

No and Yes

I did run, but I also ate more.
Because my mom was home, and I don't feel like trying to avoid things around her. But yes, I ate a 'normal' amount. I estimate an added 900 more calories. Which takes me to the 'normal' 2000 calorie diet. Good news is I had so much fun today, that normal probably wasn't good enough.
4 laps run, plus another half-hour of random run/walk at my leisure. And 32 pull-ups. Two reps of 8 and one of 16 (which I must say is quite impressive). The food goes somewhere, and its not fat. For that I can be happy.

But what I want is perfection... If I get to that point where my body is that thin; I will be outwardly perfect. I would satisfy everything in whoever that one girl ends up being. When I imagine myself as perfect, I imagine that I have someone to share that with. I don't know if that is wrong. Especially when I have to hide what I really think... I look at the people of the world and i think of how fat they are. I look at myself and I see that I am still on a journey. I'm going to get there one day; with the right freedom, and the right control. I'm going to be everything.

But the problem I am confronted with is where is that other person? The one I share my power with?

I swear; I'm not looking here... I'm just rambling... answer if you wish, but know I'm not choosing. I don't choose.
I don't even know why I dream sometimes, because I know someone else is going to get hurt by my dreams.

Day Fun Easy

I woke up and ate this morning. Something I will never get into the habit of is skipping out on breakfast because I have eaten breakfast forever. I'll always eat breakfast.
And I've spent all day cooking, picking out food and making delicious meals and snacks. But I barely ate so far. Calorie count so far is about 850. Its going to be around 1200 by tonight. I'm dizzy already, but that is because I've had so much fun today. I used up so much energy just smiling; my friends are the best.
I had my friends Watson and D. come over today, Watson is my best friend, and D. makes him even crazier than usual. D. walked to my house from his girlfriend's church for the gaming session we had planned (you can even check us out on youtube!) and I was very much impressed because he came dressed up in black with a turquoise tie on. Looking sharp for a day of mashing buttons and yelling at the T.V. screen.
Watson's entrance was announced by the screeching of tires, he peels out in a 1994 Honda Accord (most stolen model/year of car in the history of car thief-ing). Dang, maybe I'm too dizzy to write cause this sounds like mumbo jumbo to me...

Well, I made some awesome food, and the best part is I didn't hardly any of it, only the samples you eat when cooking so you know it is ready and will taste fine. My friends ate the whole lot.
I made them each a quesadilla one of them got a pepper-jack cheese and spinach one and the other a taco meat and cheese and spices one. Doesn't sound that great from just the ingredients, but the sound of the cheese just bubbling and the cooked aroma coming from inside those tortillas would make anyone hungry.
Then, since D. eats insanely fast and a lot more than Watson (who is trying to lose weight- ironic, because its inspired by me- I'm also much taller than him, heavier (now), and more muscular) I heated him up some leftover spaghetti from when I made some homemade spaghetti a few nights ago (I made WAY too much, and on top of that didn't eat that much of it- I've been giving it out like charity to friends). Then I made snacks. Including Nacho Triscuts- Triscuts are actually low enough calorie (20 cals each on whole and something like 10 cals on thin?) they make a good snack for us, if you need the salt- Banana peanut butter bites, and Frozen Dark Chocolate frosted Banana slices (I LOVE BANANAS- too bad I didn't get to eat any of that stuff...). It was amazing food. I could smell it all. Most of my calories today have come from milk. 560 Cals.
I can feel that I didn't get a 'normal' amount of food. I'm a little shaky- you think I'd be used to this... I dunno.

By the way... I didn't run last night. I think thats 2 nights of not running... So I should be running tonight... or right now.
Let us see how it goes.

I support you all. Whether you like food, you eat food, you don't want to eat, or whatever you do. But you have to eat sometime to survive... I recommend eating bananas- only because I love them!

Goodluck to you all!

Dissapear Why?

Why didn’t I post a blog entry last night? Because I went to sleep before 8:00 PM; all because of some serious stress from work. And what sucks worse is I haven’t run in a while, and the stress was taking me down. I had work today, so I had to eat a lot before work. Thankfully I ate at a good pace and it wasn’t that bad of food. 2 slices of extra thin spinach and mushroom pizza for lunch and 2 pieces of Eggo Waffles with some syrup. I had to do it, the previous day was about 700 calories: which was very good. Although I only think it was easy because I didn’t run and I didn’t work out at all.
What did I do all day? I drove to see a lecture by Ann Bannon, a lesbian pulp fiction writer. And I stayed home talking to people on the computer. Plus work, I had a really easy day, until that dress was going to be picked up.
So I work at a dry cleaners. I would say we are very classy cleaners, one that no friend of mine around my age can afford, but we offer good quality. We also use environmental equipment and chemicals, so its very ’clean’ cleaning. But our prices get outrageous sometimes. Our $3.29 a laundered shirt is comparable to dry cleaners in the area, and our newest store’s price of $2.19 a laundered shirt it competitive. But sometimes… when a plain looking silk shirt gets detailed in as a silk blouse per-say the price is around $15. For one shirt kind of garment. Our Wedding dresses are about $300 for the CHEAP ones… and that is where my error comes in. I was way too easy on this customer, and I didn’t get a good look at the dress because it was in a bag. I quoted her $61.89 on a dress that should have started at $265.00. She was willing to put the dress in with the quote I gave, except that shouldn’t have been the price. And it went all the way to my boss before things got ugly. My Boss took some mercy on the fact that I had misquoted… He only gave the garment a $60.00 upcharge to the dress. But that isn’t what makes this too ugly, the customer called me. When I was working. And I was yelled at for “the price changing without [her] permission.” Totally my fault there (even though she should have been charged around $300). But, then she came in. And she was even more angry because the dress was not cleaned to her standards. We had removed stains that had left black streaks all over the bottom lining of the garment. I was personally fed up because the dress was not pressed perfectly, it looked ever so slightly wrinkled- the kind of wrinkled I see on one of the shirts in my closet and I deal with it because: truth is things wrinkle a little- and I was powerless. But I have magical powers: I swear I do. The second she stopped ranting, I looked her in the eye and spoke evenly. I said the truth “I don’t know what I can do for you, but this ruined my Friday too.” And she nearly buys the dress there. Due to my puppy eyes or something. But eventually she reconsiders… anyway, everything is going to work out. Just feels like I was killed of stress for a night. And when I woke up…
I wasn’t ready for the next day. So I ate food. I needed to not collapse today. Its working out. I’m going to run tonight. I’ll have to.
So I’ve focused a lot recently about the bad things, but everything before then was awesome. Right now, I just need little things to keep me going. I’m home with my dad, he is going to make some Banana ice Cream tonight for us- I’m going to have to eat it, but even if I didn’t want to eat it (I guess I’m taking a break?) I’d feel compelled- and I got extra hours at work today. Life is going well, as always. I got 100% on my other blog- I have to blog for a class and my teacher loves everything I say- but you can’t see it because it’s a private network system.
I just spilled green tea on my work shirt. Looks just like water, I feel good. I can’t freak out over the stain because 1. Doesn’t look like a stain 2. Its no big deal: I get free dry cleaning still. I still love my job.
I swear, my friend G. has a bad job. And he doesn’t know it… He loves it. I don’t know, I think the store is awesome, although it doesn’t offer much, and a lot of what it offers is shirts with marijuana or death on them (things he doesn’t endorse) but he likes it there. A little store in the mall- it probably is about the size of my family’s living room with a bathroom attached to the back of it. He gets paid $1.75 an hour. Minimum wage here is a legal $8.00; and THAT is hard to live off of. He couldn’t feed himself with the money he earns; working up to 11 hour shifts, and at least 6 days a week. And if he works at the same time as somebody else he splits pay with them, making basically nothing. No one at his work puts as much dedication into the store as him, not even his boss. I don’t know… he got offered to work at a frozen yogurt store part time, he doesn’t want to take it. It would be a relaxed easy job, not too many hours, and minimum wage pay, something G. could use. Even I could use extra money. Maybe I want that job for myself… I’m going to ask him if its open to me, and I’m always willing to step aside for G. if he needs it for a while. Wouldn’t sharing a job be awesome?

I was going to go to the library today, I have a late fee on a book! I haven’t even been reading that book. Maybe that is what is wrong with my life, sometimes I just know something is up. And I haven’t read in a while.

Girls, sometimes I really don’t know. I just want a life, where I can work and she can work. We can live in a quiet little place- most of my dreams its just an apartment. I want to go to school forever, and I want her to always talk to me. What am I saying? This is just crazy. I’m an emotionless demon. I’ll suck your heart dry. And still you will give it to me because I promise. I make so many promises; but I warn you too. None of them are worth anything.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like I couldn’t make it through today. I’m halfway through, I’ve allowed myself to eat, and I’m not fat, I’m not starving, and I’m not even bloated. Life feels like everything is working out but I’m waiting for something. I don’t know what I am waiting for.
Maybe at the end of today I will be happy enough to know. Melancholy clouds me when I know everything is going to be okay. One day, in the future, I will be even better than I am now. But for now, everything is okay, and tomorrow, everything is okay.
Did you hear that? Everything is going to okay.

Before you go to sleep tonight, tell yourself “everything is going to be okay.”

Land Zombie

So I went to see Zombie-Land, I might put the pictures somewhere (here is they all fit) for a while...
Oh, I didn't just see the movie, no, I saw the premier, and I got free tickets to the premier because I was a zombie. I dressed up for the part, and it looks pretty good- thanks to the small work i did on myself with Crayola paint and dirt and some really quality stuff from the professional make-up artists. I know my paint is going to wash off fine, but so far the fake blood, face-paint, and oil... I'm not too sure about that. Definitely worth the time tonight.

Oh, and I totally skipped class to do this.
I was a bit popular by virtue of my unicycle. I rode it as part of our "Zombie-walk" to the theater- the free premier ticket group had met at a comic book store and from there made our way to where the production was taking place- The movie was supposed to be a comedy. And it was funny, the main character has all these rules that would show up whenever things happened. I kinda felt sad for him when the first girl he ever got close to turned into a zombie when he let her spend the night at his place. But later on he found a girl with gorgeous eyes and things worked out.
Eyes... We had a girl in our group (with her boyfriend) that had great eyes. She is taken of course, but it makes me glad to see that beautiful eyes do exist out there. No offense meant if I haven't said something like that to you.

1670. I'm thinking I have the metabolism of 6 people or something... because I had an energy crash today- with that much calories. No milk today... Sad day I guess.
Exercise: not really, I went to school for my first two classes, hung about doing things (like homework for the class I was going to skip- but it ended up that class was canceled). Yeah, I regret I ditched one class; it is my first time ever skipping class without a parent note for absolutely no reason. No good reason. But I'm alive.
I feel tired. And the dried paint on my face is kinda uncomfortable. Tomorrow I am going... to school to do some extra credit.
Besides that and work I have nothing.