Sisyphus

There is something sacred about silence.
I have so much on my mind right now that I don't know what to say.  I feel like if I were to try to explain all of these words I would say too many things that are not true.  I'm trying to be true.

The only person it seems I can be true to is myself.
I am sorry me.  I have failed you.  I will fail you.  I am weak.  I am undeserving.  I am a waste.  I waste.  I grow fat and old.  Dear me, I am sorry.

I am tired in the mornings.  And at night I don't want to admit it, but I'm tired again.  I have one day left in my mind to do my homework.  It is the greatest demon in my life right now.
I don't know why, but I can't overcome thing.
Sisyphus. 


Sisyphus sisyphus sisyphus.
I want to break down and cry.  I let myself down, but I'm also letting all the people the depend on me down.
I need blood.

I need to bleed...
And I'm so tired tonight.
I shall sleep, and wake up tired in the morning.

Give me silence.
I may never sort though my words, but at least I won't tell lies.
The silent do not tell lies.
They let the truth happen...


Stay Beautiful

Undergraded

Some people have life so easy.

Some people...
Sorry for my absence, while some people I know have had people to clean up for them, I have been endlessly turning over the soil of my life and finding... its dirty.  I'm all mud and earth.
First off, I haven't posted since my most recent of great sins.  I'm sorry, but that information might just be left out of here.  It made me sick.
I am sick.
My mind is sick.
People call the way I think sick.
No matter.

Those people have life so easy...  They should try harder.  I'm always striving for something.  Right now, its the grades.  Grinding my head against stone, making cornmeal with my poor intelligence and selling it for minimal wares.  I don't know much, but I try to learn.

By the way... as an aside I would like to mention how much I distrust the phrase "I know"
I have been trying to catch myself, if I ever want to say "I know" I stop.  Because do I know?  And also, most of the time you say "I know" in response to a mistake.  You should be apologizing, not stubbornly acknowledging that YOU KNOW.
Chances are you didn't know, and it doesn't make a difference you know now.  All you are doing is showing what you could have been if you only tried harder. 
Try harder...
Trying...

I'm trying to learn, but somehow even though I am the student with the most participation in the lectures, the student that can demonstrate superior knowledge on the subject... somehow I miss things on the exam.  I don't mess up on a large scale, but I mess up enough that I get 87% or 90%.  And "I KNOW" this shit.
Or maybe I don't.
And I shouldn't assert that I do.
I just frustrated myself by saying I knew...
I guess...
I guess I don't deserve the grade.
Its just been so much work
and I wish something came out of it.

I try.


Some people have life so easy
It makes me wonder
Do they try>?



Stay Beautiful

Second Chances

Wanna know whats funny?  I thought I wasn't eating disordered anymore.
I unintentionally have been living off of little food and losing weight.  I just noticed it today when a friend told me I lost weight.  I kept thinking its because I decided to wear a shirt that shows my collarbone today...
But now I feel it.  I'm on my low.  You know... when your weight fluctuates and you are lighter... I'm there now.  Been living off of 2 fuji apples, water, and plenty of stress every day for about a week.
I'm low on energy.

Weird how I can't escape it.
I don't care, because its part of me.  It has been for a long time.
Just... tired.  Lots of headaches.  I'm not hungry even when i haven't eaten.
I know people will think there is something wrong with me.  Gah... its so annoying because I'm so healthy.

I haven't been able to work out forrealz yet.  Its eating at me.
Eating... haha.
God I'm funny.

I love being messed up


Stay Beautiful

Ignonimy

I'm not sure what is going on.  But I learned this new word: Ignominy

The way I understand it... its like being a public shame because you are so useless/dumb/vile.  Something like that...  I will look it up again later... I always have to be right...
I call myself this word without even understanding it.

Stay beautiful

I say I want to die

I want to stop helping people.  I want to stop making people smile.  I want to stop giving to others.  I want to go away.  I want to be alone in a corner for about a week.  And then I want to get kicked back into shape so I can live life for a few months again.
I say I want to die... or the voice in my head says I want to die.  But do I mean it?
Is dying easy?  Because the voice tells me to die like it is easy.  Like I could simply die whenever.

It takes some dying... to feel alive.



ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Where did this mess come from!
I NEED TO CLEAN.
sorry got to go.


stay beautiful

Millstone

Rarefied millstone.
I don't even know my own words.  I just remember them.  Sorry.  This post is going to be confusing.
Its all because I've been such a mystery.
And not many people talk to me.
Yet I've been talking a lot more
Just to myself
or the other guy... the one I pretend to be.

I don't mind being kind.
But I would rather get work done.  Get my work done.  Before I help you with yours.  I need a 2 year dream.
I need something I can do in 2 years.  So I can have a place.
And I can provide.
Not going to lie.  I just want a house.
I want a house so I can shelter people.
First Rosie.
Gosh... Appendix, you are invited.  I'd pay for your plane ticket if I could.  If I had a house and I couldn't afford your ticket... well I'd borrow money to get you here.  I'd help you die the easy way, I mean, you always talk about dying.  I'd just want to help ya know?
Yeah... you're cool.
Forserious... I like that word.
Forrealz: I also made it up.
Forwhys?
I dunno.

Millstones.  When I think of them I think of corn underneath rock being ground into powder becoming less than cornmeal.  Mush mush.  Mush mush.
Who would want to eat that?


Oh yes... the protein diet.  Has been going well.
How do people not have food in their houses?
oh... and I'm helping a friend be homeless, because right now (runonsentence approaching) she is in a relationship with a guy, his girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend, killed herself in his room, and then he got together with this friend of mine 9 days later, so then like I'm like. woah, if my gf killed herself I'd be like 2 weeks before I hookup again right?  Well, he is schizo so its okay, but really he is a human, we are all human, don't judge the guy, so I won't.  Then he like does stuff like drugs her and feels her up when she sleeps and I'm like, get out, forserious, I'll help you become homeless, I'll drive you to a shelter (by the way, I might want to volunteer at one of those just for love- and by that I mean... because butterfly would want me to) and like bring your stuff with you, so its a good idea and it might happen.  Yeah.  Lifesgood.
Don't know why, but I hate being stuck where I am.  Like reality am.
I hate being stuck where I really am.
I hate having to be here when I am here.
Do you get it?

Why does language...
Have to be so difficult to...
use.


screw life.
Stay beautiful

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude... there is a lot of that going on within me.
For those of you that do not know the definition of the word, it is pleasure gained by malicious and intentional misfortune given to others.  So... if you really like throwing trash at people or causing them to cheat on their intimate other...  You have Schadenfreude.

Then I got paid for volunteer tutoring.
I got paid for volunteer work!  By people that don't have the money to pay me for it!  What the What?

But I do have a talent for tutoring.  My method went that I would have them run through the homework telling me if they understood every question.  If there was one part that they didn't know, I would have them move on to the next question without even trying the one they didn't know.  Then...  after the tutor got frustrated at how little they knew, I started teaching.  And even then, I don't lecture... I have them figure it out, or I tell stories.  I'm good at tutoring...

Yet I feel part of the reason I have been paid is something to deal with how the parent of the girl I am tutoring might find me attractive?  Or something of a good match, or a good person to be in a relationship with.
If you knew how much of snake I am...

I am simply immoral.  I have seduced on three occasions girls in relationships because... I don't know.  Because I didn't really want them to cheat, and I didn't want anything from them.  I didn't want them to break up, I didn't want them to get together with me, I didn't want their body for selfish sexual pleasure.  I haven't even had selfish sexual pleasure and neither do I want to; not yet.  And not for a while...
I encourage habits terrible for the health, like smoking, fasting, and exercising until you break.  If you can do all three at the same time: I am very much attracted to you.  That doesn't mean I want much of anything from you, but I attracted...
I don't want things from people, but I gain pleasure at seeing them annoyed, impoverished, or injured.  In some of the most serious situations I have almost found myself laughing aloud at people in terrible pain.  I will still try to help, and try to empathize.  I just... have a backwards reaction to suffering sometimes.  Sadness... is my favorite emotion.
So if you knew, you would know to stay away.

I have more flaws.
I stare.
I try to smell people to see if I can recognize their scent.  The explanation about that... is another story.

I also have no future.
And I am a failure at simply being what I am.

But I don't seem to care that much
about anything but beauty



Stay Beautiful