I always ask questions.
But what I don't know... is what do I want to hear...
I will say I am useless. When i am alone no one answers, the statement settles in. When someone is there, they tell me I am not. They tell me I am not worthless. Nothing happens. I feel the same.
I wonder... what do I want to hear? What would make me believe that I am not useless. What could prove to me that I have worth?
Yet I know I am blessed. I am blessed with friends. Friends like my best friend, who is goofy, fun, and looks up to me as an older brother, even though I am only about a month older. Friends like Broken, Appendix, Blowfish, Butterfly, redrat, savetherainbows, and Alicia. Friends that I talk to about everything bothering me. Everything in me that other people might not accept. Friends that don't cure you.
And yet, sometimes we become more than friends. Yet I don't know what to call that.
Humans are sexual by nature... For some reason I have always had difficulty showing sexual desire, even having it. I want my body to be a perfect machine. I want to look desirable and I want to be desired. I want to feel desire myself. There are some things I don't feel. Or I don't feel consistently.
All feelings aren't very consistent.
Truth is what stands the test of experience.
I shall see.
Poison oak... haha. Yes. It really sucks when you get it on your face. And everywhere else sucks too, but on your face, you can't necessarily hide it. Most people (my work included) might get offended or put off balance if I wore a mask.
I wish I could hide how ugly I am in my physical appearance like I can hide how ugly I am on the inside.
Ugly ugly ugly.
I'm very ugly.
beauty... Beauty matters more to me than most things. Money is the only thing I might trade for beauty. A large sum of money is worth more than my life. My life... isn't worth much money to begin with.
I wonder... if the world knew how ugly I was, how worthless I was... what would do to me? Where would they put me? Or would they leave me the same... so that I could telling myself I was useless and worthless and people around me could tell me I'm not if they are listening. And I'll keep asking myself then:
What do I really want to hear?
Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Also
I have poison Oak on my face
I wonder if poison oak can spread to your eyes...
Its very close...
Stay Beautiful
I wonder if poison oak can spread to your eyes...
Its very close...
Stay Beautiful
PT down? Nothing to read? Well, big post here!
Lets talk about life.
Yesterday my car broke down 4 times. Seemed okay because it broke down on less traveled roads, it broke down in the parking lot at school (so I wasn't too late to class) and it will only cost about $500 to fix today. Yay.
Still, even though I didn't have work that day, I also didn't have time to walk home twice. I had no phone on me... I don't know why the day my car didn't work was the day I left my phone on the charger at home.
So like... people have been calling me... and I haven't been there for them.
I can't.
I have homework.
I did not have time to walk home twice. And not have my phone twice? What the heck myself! Why can't you do stuff right.
This morning I woke up and have been doing homework. I wish I had an extra 6 hours that I spent walking yesterday. I actually thought it might be cool if I emailed a teacher asking for an extra day. I could use that...
I might just not sleep... I could always do that...
Besides...
I took a run 2 days ago. There was a girl that kept up with me. I wanted to ask for her number so she could run with me again. Because... no one keeps up with me. She was also remarkably pretty. But so young... She looked so young. Not only that, but she was half my size. I'm fucking huge.
Workouts have been hard to fit in. I just work and school all the time. Yet I somehow waste a lot of time online doing NOTHING. Not even blogging. I just do nothing.
If I took that out I would be able to do more.
School.
It hasn't left my mind.
But I don't know if I will make it. I have never done well in school. And I don't see myself doing well this time either. Why am I so bad at this?
I also have to do traffic school.
I'm sorry for the guys fixing my car, they have to take the engine out, and its a V8. Which is like 100lbs or something. So lame... oh well, I'll pay them money and not even complain about the price. I should bake them cookies!
I also want to get back into Magic The Gathering... the trading card game. It would be cool.
I've been drawing. I want to show you people what it looks like. Its all notes. But its how I take notes on stuff, and its interesting stuff. No one else would see it as notes. But I see the lessons and lectures inside the art.
Is prettythin seriously down? Why? Forserious?
What else is there...? Oh yeah... I do volunteer tutoring. I missed that because of car trouble yesterday. And didn't call them yet on why I wasn't there... whoops.
Then I have this youth symphony that requested I play tuba for them. I replied this morning because it is the first time I have had the time to do that. I need to tell my work when the performance dates are.
I have about 10 pages of math homework due tomorrow because I have been doing my 5 pages of English homework due today instead.
I have work today.
I bought glucose tablets because I miss my butterfly. Who isn't my butterfly. But butterfly alone sounds like such a general nickname. Butterfly is my personal nickname for her.
AND...
I have an epic trip planned for Labor Day weekend. hopefully cars don't break down and homework doesn't pile up so high in front of the car that when I drive though it the car breaks down.
All this life...
Good thing I'm fat. Otherwise I'd complain about being too small for it all.
I hate being so huge.
Stay beautiful
Yesterday my car broke down 4 times. Seemed okay because it broke down on less traveled roads, it broke down in the parking lot at school (so I wasn't too late to class) and it will only cost about $500 to fix today. Yay.
Still, even though I didn't have work that day, I also didn't have time to walk home twice. I had no phone on me... I don't know why the day my car didn't work was the day I left my phone on the charger at home.
So like... people have been calling me... and I haven't been there for them.
I can't.
I have homework.
I did not have time to walk home twice. And not have my phone twice? What the heck myself! Why can't you do stuff right.
This morning I woke up and have been doing homework. I wish I had an extra 6 hours that I spent walking yesterday. I actually thought it might be cool if I emailed a teacher asking for an extra day. I could use that...
I might just not sleep... I could always do that...
Besides...
I took a run 2 days ago. There was a girl that kept up with me. I wanted to ask for her number so she could run with me again. Because... no one keeps up with me. She was also remarkably pretty. But so young... She looked so young. Not only that, but she was half my size. I'm fucking huge.
Workouts have been hard to fit in. I just work and school all the time. Yet I somehow waste a lot of time online doing NOTHING. Not even blogging. I just do nothing.
If I took that out I would be able to do more.
School.
It hasn't left my mind.
But I don't know if I will make it. I have never done well in school. And I don't see myself doing well this time either. Why am I so bad at this?
I also have to do traffic school.
I'm sorry for the guys fixing my car, they have to take the engine out, and its a V8. Which is like 100lbs or something. So lame... oh well, I'll pay them money and not even complain about the price. I should bake them cookies!
I also want to get back into Magic The Gathering... the trading card game. It would be cool.
I've been drawing. I want to show you people what it looks like. Its all notes. But its how I take notes on stuff, and its interesting stuff. No one else would see it as notes. But I see the lessons and lectures inside the art.
Is prettythin seriously down? Why? Forserious?
What else is there...? Oh yeah... I do volunteer tutoring. I missed that because of car trouble yesterday. And didn't call them yet on why I wasn't there... whoops.
Then I have this youth symphony that requested I play tuba for them. I replied this morning because it is the first time I have had the time to do that. I need to tell my work when the performance dates are.
I have about 10 pages of math homework due tomorrow because I have been doing my 5 pages of English homework due today instead.
I have work today.
I bought glucose tablets because I miss my butterfly. Who isn't my butterfly. But butterfly alone sounds like such a general nickname. Butterfly is my personal nickname for her.
AND...
I have an epic trip planned for Labor Day weekend. hopefully cars don't break down and homework doesn't pile up so high in front of the car that when I drive though it the car breaks down.
All this life...
Good thing I'm fat. Otherwise I'd complain about being too small for it all.
I hate being so huge.
Stay beautiful
Monday, August 30, 2010
Nothing is good enough, Don't take it personally
My diet has changed... I have mentioned this before, but let me state things clearer.
Everyone once and a while I still get hungry just to remember what it feels like, but I'm eating more like a cow does right now.
A cow that indulges on protein.
Either way, I have been 'grazing' eating small portions through the day, with a focus on protein. But I don't like meat much, its not worth the protein and I'm more comfortable eating as vegetarian as I can. All this protein makes the world feel different.
First, I feel wide. I look in the mirror and I try on pants and I fit them the same. But I feel wide... ew. I just did 100 push-ups in one rep. I usually did 50 in the past. But its different when I push myself. I don't get dizzy like I used to, I might get tired, but not dizzy, not disoriented. I feel like I have been working harder than I have to in the past. And I don't care. I liked it that way.
hm... I can't remember all the other strange things going on.
I think I feel hungry more often. But that's just my body saying 'food food food'. Sometimes it is easier when you eat less to ignore that.
Why?
Because I plan to surprise some people. I plan to be so strong that Blue Devils can't say no to me. Then the $100 I spent for auditions won't be wasted.
Still, I feel like I'm eating the house.
Balancing work, school, and myself. School always seems to slip off the scale...
Stay Beautiful
Everyone once and a while I still get hungry just to remember what it feels like, but I'm eating more like a cow does right now.
A cow that indulges on protein.
Either way, I have been 'grazing' eating small portions through the day, with a focus on protein. But I don't like meat much, its not worth the protein and I'm more comfortable eating as vegetarian as I can. All this protein makes the world feel different.
First, I feel wide. I look in the mirror and I try on pants and I fit them the same. But I feel wide... ew. I just did 100 push-ups in one rep. I usually did 50 in the past. But its different when I push myself. I don't get dizzy like I used to, I might get tired, but not dizzy, not disoriented. I feel like I have been working harder than I have to in the past. And I don't care. I liked it that way.
hm... I can't remember all the other strange things going on.
I think I feel hungry more often. But that's just my body saying 'food food food'. Sometimes it is easier when you eat less to ignore that.
Why?
Because I plan to surprise some people. I plan to be so strong that Blue Devils can't say no to me. Then the $100 I spent for auditions won't be wasted.
Still, I feel like I'm eating the house.
Balancing work, school, and myself. School always seems to slip off the scale...
Stay Beautiful
Friday, August 27, 2010
Dear Sweet Twinkie
You dislike me.
You might even feel threatened by me.
Your girlfriend has talked about me like I was a friend... I was much less than that. I was sort of a misfit. Isolated. Awkward. Wrong.
Sort like the monster I am today. So there is no need to feel threatened by me. She wouldn't leave you for me. And I would do nothing beyond a modest admiration of her beauty.
I am confused... You should see that I try. I put effort through. I deserve a little recognition. But recognition... I don't ask, I don't recieve. Instead I have to suffer your negative opinion. I respected you. I might refer to you as sweet twinkie here, but to me that is not who you are. You are a leader, a teacher, and you are hard on people because you know you can make them better. You made me better, and you didn't want to. You disliked me enough to not care for me as you do the rest.
I am in a situation, that you have been in. I have already made my decision. Where you choose to lead people in an organization small and barely noticable I will be the bottom of the ladder in an organization with a reputation. I have much of the same attitude that you did; the attitude that held you from the Blue Devils. But I will be there in Audition camp, and when I get my spot I won't refuse it.
Sadly, I still feel an obligation to the organization you now teach at in the summers. I will be seeing you in the future. And I will be seeing your girlfriend too.
This all reminds me... I'm quite worthless...
Stay Beautiful
You might even feel threatened by me.
Your girlfriend has talked about me like I was a friend... I was much less than that. I was sort of a misfit. Isolated. Awkward. Wrong.
Sort like the monster I am today. So there is no need to feel threatened by me. She wouldn't leave you for me. And I would do nothing beyond a modest admiration of her beauty.
I am confused... You should see that I try. I put effort through. I deserve a little recognition. But recognition... I don't ask, I don't recieve. Instead I have to suffer your negative opinion. I respected you. I might refer to you as sweet twinkie here, but to me that is not who you are. You are a leader, a teacher, and you are hard on people because you know you can make them better. You made me better, and you didn't want to. You disliked me enough to not care for me as you do the rest.
I am in a situation, that you have been in. I have already made my decision. Where you choose to lead people in an organization small and barely noticable I will be the bottom of the ladder in an organization with a reputation. I have much of the same attitude that you did; the attitude that held you from the Blue Devils. But I will be there in Audition camp, and when I get my spot I won't refuse it.
Sadly, I still feel an obligation to the organization you now teach at in the summers. I will be seeing you in the future. And I will be seeing your girlfriend too.
This all reminds me... I'm quite worthless...
Stay Beautiful
Dear Work: FUCK YOU
I'm the employee that takes the short straw. Yeah, I take your shit three hour shifts and I work your weekends, and I work double shifts on the worst days of the week. I'm ALWAYS there when you call for me to be. I'm the number one back-up. I stand up for you. I talk you up. I play your game, I DO MY COWORKER'S SHIT because they leave it behind for me. They noticed I clean shit up, and they take advantage of me. You know what? THATS WHAT!
Stop sending me emails about things I already know.
And don't tell me to stop working because my poison oak is some serious problem WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO WORK, IN FACT YOU SAID THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE TO COVER THIS FUCKING SHIFT.
Damn...
serious?
Oh, and then you called me and gave me a 30 minute lecture about how I need to notify you about shit. I was laughing at you on the other end of the line. I hate phone conversations.
Anyways... hi beautiful readers...
Stay Beautiful
Stop sending me emails about things I already know.
And don't tell me to stop working because my poison oak is some serious problem WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO WORK, IN FACT YOU SAID THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE TO COVER THIS FUCKING SHIFT.
Damn...
serious?
Oh, and then you called me and gave me a 30 minute lecture about how I need to notify you about shit. I was laughing at you on the other end of the line. I hate phone conversations.
Anyways... hi beautiful readers...
Stay Beautiful
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