Double Shift

180 pounds...
  I don't know why, but I suddenly thought "what if I ever got to 180 pounds"
Without hesitation I heard "kill myself" in my thoughts.  Crazy conviction.  I don't think i would kill myself.  I could lose weight if I got there.  But I'm afraid of ever getting there.

Been pulling the short straw at work.  erg.  Oh well.  Someone has to work.  Turns out I work 2 separate shifts today at two different locations.  Wonderful.  Already did my morning shift.

I feel bad about not contacting some people I should or would like to talk to.
Hi Appendix!  I know you'll read it sometime.

I have nothing to say.  So why talk to people.

I have been chattering away to random people...  I'm going to stop that.
I am always in control.


I also feel like I should be working on something.  So I will go practice scales for realz.  I plan to practice or observe sign language today.  Maybe I'll meet a cool deaf person.  But no one will be like her...

Stay Beautiful

hehe

I just tried on my first pair of skinny jeans, the size I thought I was...  Its a little loose.


Stay Beautiful

Know what you don't know

I have been giving an effort to talk to people...  and no one wants to talk to me.
 
I feel so alone.
I should just talk to the people that have already accepted me.
All 7 of them...
 
Yet it always feels like zero because...
Because I don't know them.

Dear Poison Oak:

I hate you. It hurts, but at the same time I enjoy this game, and I want you to come back some other time.

You make feel wanted. The itch burns so bad, and although I refuse and refuse, you continue to itch.
You are stronger than me. I need Calamine lotion to fight you off, and even so, you still persist, you still itch.
I never give you what you want.
You want me so much.
I like being wanted...

Dear Poison Oak,
I want you to go away but I want you to stay. I can't make up my mind if I like you or I hate you. You don't let me ignore you, and while it might be distracting... it is better than a lot of other things in life.
Poison Oak, you aren't a person so I don't have be nice to you. I don't have to consider what your feelings are. I can do whatever I want with you and then throw you away.
I haven't scratched you.
I'm just waiting...

Dear Poison Oak:
Go away.



Stay Beautiful

Days

I really don't want to be arrogant...

I just step from world to world so easily.
I suddenly just was like: oh, I'm going to eat lots of protein and do lots of exercise and work and school. And suddenly its that easy for a week (or I mean 4 days, but that is close enough to a week).
I really think its the fact that I find it so hard to care about anything. "You really should eat" okay... easy.
Its like... I don't even care about it when I starve, I don't care about it when I eat. I sometimes don't see the point of eating, and sometimes don't see the point in starving.
I mean... you don't need food for a whole day, or two, and I didn't quite do three yet because I had some liquid calories and fruit on my longest no food at all fast, but I'm quite sure three is possible.

What I really like is when it hurts.
I don't know why, but its like pain makes me happy, and the sound of loneliness makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Why is my life always so easy?
Not everything is perfect. I have English junk to do today, but I have no book because I am waiting for it to show up in the mail. The truth is, I don't care that much. I want to tell myself I will do it... But not without a book.
Would be like writing an essay in a classroom without paper when you aren't allowed to leave class.
hm...

I sometimes check up on random people I think highly of just to see how they are. RiffRaff, you might know who he is. Yeah, I looked him up. He was a really nice guy. His rehab will pass in time; what I hope for him is that he finds the love he is looking for one day. Because I think he genuinely deserves someone.

I keep forgetting everything I want to do. But I'm running at my 50%.
Some people don't understand; no matter how good you are, it isn't good enough...
I write for the people that do know what it feels like.



Stay Beautiful

I don't want to

Sorry for not updating.
Haven't been running
I have been getting really tired lately.
I feel like I'm going to get fat from fuji apples and blueberries.
I haven't been breathing through my nose...  I have to empty it too often to effectively use it.
Work.  Done lots of work.  8 hour shifts.  But what I need is to run still.
Haven't been running
\
Birthday is tomorrow.
Maybe today will be different.
I really suck at trombone.  Slide positions...
School starts soon!  Yay.
I wake up easy, but then I have nothing to do.  So then I sleep again.
I will find a way to motivate myself...
 
 
Stay Beautiful

This is what I looked like in drum corps.