Mind Out In

I'm out of my Mind because I'm stuck in it.
No. I cannot explain.

I saw an old friend and she said "you lost weight": it felt so good to hear that. Then she said "...you could die". No.
Give me some credit. People say to me all the time "You are Genius!" I'm not going to die like this... I'm smart.

Smart = I'm going to eat tonight, we have this small thanksgiving get together with friends... and because I'm smart I shall eat.
I'd like to tell you the progress I've made, but I do not have a clue.
I can't remember what I ate, or didn't eat...
How many push-ups I did. What other activities I did. I seriously do not know.

I can give blood in 2 days. And I will. So if it kills me... That might be a good way to die.
I just told you I will not die. But I'm kind of hoping that giving blood is as serious as they say. Because it never is... Giving blood was the same to me as getting a shot. It stings, the bandage looks like a bandage and hurts when you take it off, and you don't feel lighter or light headed or anything. Well, except the thing where when I get poked for a needle to give blood I black out- remain 100% conscious, but I see black for a while- I'm fine. I can talk all the way through it. I feel better really fast. I bleed out in about 6 minutes. I can do it. I won't die, even though I would like to... just a little.

I want to die just a little.

Stay Beautiful

Finest

I have surrendered to geekdom. Magic The Gathering took my soul for a while... I'm sorry I let it happen everybody!
Now I have this huge mess of cardboard pretty cards everywhere...
I have been bored.

Today was a struggle. It felt like there wasn't enough food in me and I ate a small small portion of dinner. I'm so glad I got away with it. Yet the whole time, I felt like I ate too much. I would eat an apple and think too much sugar. And so I never ate my pear.
One liberating thing is giving food away. G. hung out with me while I typed up a last minute draft of a term paper and I have him food. Friends help you out when you are in need. And if I collapsed while making my dizzy-headed way up the stairs, G. would have saved me. Of course, I wasn't even dizzy headed until he left. Then I felt so out of it.

F-F wants me to see her again this weekend. Saturday night we shall meet when the sun is down. It will be crowded, she will be surrounded by some kind of group of people, so it would be the time for me to show the world what I feel for F-F is true. I have to show myself this. The worst part of this... I feel sick thinking about it. How can I publicly say to someone "I love you" when I am so afraid of the crowd? I know I can do it... but can I feel it while I do it? Can I leave the eyes of the people staring at me behind me, and keep my focus on the one it should be on? I am more afraid of myself and my own in-competencies than the crowd's judging eye.

What did I eat today? Well, I know I did pretty well because I can't even think of what I ate... I ate breakfast of those bars I made... That was the worst thing of the day. And those things are really healthy. I like that when I bring them with me for food they are so easy to get people to try. I say "I made this banana bread with no butter and no egg- not even substitutes" and they are like "no way" and so I break of half for them so I don't have to eat as much. They always say that it is really good. One time my friend Watson said "its really dry", but that was with the original recipe; which I changed so that they are always moist. I do know how to cook!
I will talk more about these banana bread bars some other time. I practically make them twice a month, and I hardly have to eat any of them because they are so good my family eats them for breakfast, snack and dessert and never notices when I do or do not touch them.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday because I have been far too lazy for my own good. Or my own bad if you think working on my physique is a negative thing.
I should go to sleep and get the earliest start I can tomorrow!
So goodnight
and

One last thing... I have not told F-F I have an ED. I want her to be my girlfriend in the future. For now we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we might just be as soon as next month. I've brainstormed things like what to do for a really romantic first kiss, but I don't know when to break it to her that the guy she is with wants to be a skeleton and needs to starve. Because if I had to choose... Would it be Ana or F-F?
It is sad that I would even consider such a thing... I would choose F-F. But I would at least miss Ana, and I wouldn't go easily. Because I can't. I don't want to leave.

Stay Beautiful

Cold The

The Cold.

Today was freezing, I was outside all day. I wasn't cold. I had on a cotton shirt, and a Body Glove. I have got to go shopping for more of those things...
I was able to stand out there where everyone else was freezing with their jackets and scarfs and heavy coats, and I was fine in a body glove plus another layer. Maybe wearing one of those things is not always so magical, but still, I need more anyway. Whats more, I looked it up: they are on sale! (of course... it isn't water-sporting season... It would be a wonder if the store stocks any at the moment).

I apologize for the absence. I have been out of my mind tired. Sleep hasn't been easy lately. My shoulders have been hurting. And I'm ready to cause them more pain on Friday.

It seems my cat has scratched my forearm, and the cut looks beautiful. Is this wrong to think?
I like the look of my skin with a little blood showing through, the perfect little seams of dried blood around the cuts. The pinkish tint around the incision. It is so pretty.
I didn't do it...

Food! My body has been screaming for food. And I keep saying no. I said yes once when I shouldn't have today. I felt like I needed something... I don't think I did, but maybe that is what got me through work today. I ate some cookies; really small cookies, but enough that it would be the same as if I ate a few big ones. Besides that I haven't had many calories at all. I'm under 1200 today- This is not recommended by your doctor (for extended periods of time). Which is good news.

So, I need a body glove, my body is more beautiful with blood splashed on it, and I'm doing quite well with food. I'm sad I can't work as hard on the weekends as on week days. But my gosh... it is cold. I'm going to be able to see tomorrow of the body glove really helped or not. Hope it was the reason I felt so great today. Because it would be the perfect reward for regaining my six pack. Forgot to mention that, but I slimmed down my waist, and buffed out the abs a little, and it is back! Yay! I felt so wide for a while, and without the clear definition I am used to, I felt fat too! It was sad. And the workouts I am doing are easy to maintain. I'm so happy.

I have to dedicate some of my happiness to F-F. Because of her, part of my mind is constantly in bliss.

Stay Beautiful.

November 15

I was supposed to do something today. I had planned to volunteer around Reno. But no ride.

Today; nothing. Okay.
Push-ups. I lost count.

I don't know what I have done today.
I wrote. That eased my emotional state.

I read a lot today. What else can I say about today? I didn't feel all that impressive.
I think I should sleep early.

Trouble Car

I'm colder than I was before.
It hurts.

I didn't even count how many I did today.

I need to sleep after this.
I will not be able to...


Today I had car trouble. I was at work... long story long story long story... and now my mom's minivan doesn't work. It is my fault. Still my mother doesn't blame me. The one time I borrow her car... it just breaks.
My friend Watson is a pal. I haven't told him yet, but I am going to make him a steak because he was so great to me. When my mother needed a ride to where I was (insurance would NOT tow or even touch the car unless the insurance holder was there, and guess why I was using her van in the first place... because there was no other car!). He convinced his mother to allow him to give my mom a ride. I love my mom, she needed to get work done today and she helped me out. Then, Watson had made plans (without me... but it was cool cause things worked out) to come over for video games. And when I told him I'd call him back on it, I forgot. I was too busy figuring out how to cover the rest of my shift (you see, for my shift I drive to 4 stores and work the lunch break for all the staff)... which worked out. Then he calls me back saying in a puppy dog voice "you're going to tell me we have to cancel huh?"
I had to let him come over. And we had a blast, he brought HD (Another friend) and M. M. is a new friend. Friends are awesome. When they left I started doing my push-ups. And now I must sleep.

Today, I have seen myself shirtless a few times... and I can notice a HUGE difference from the pictures I have on PT. I might need to upload more. Show people the progress.
Whenever I think of all the times I failed, I also think of how much better I could be. I can't say I will be able to try harder. But I will at least move forward from here if I can.

F-F is always on my mind. Maybe that is why through all the car trouble and everything, all I could think about was her and my friends. I wasn't sad all day.

Stay Beautiful

Muscle Cold

Friday?
Where did Thursday go? I know Thursday was amazing. It was everything I should have failed at.

And today... eh... It was okay.
I did over 2,000 push-ups today. (broken over two 2 intervals, one 2 hour with 1250 and one 1 hour with 750: reps were broken into 50 push-ups) Really? Whatever... I sound like I'm making it up. I don't know if I would believe it. Especially if I heard myself ramble (I made a practice Vlog- may be a future kind of thing coming up- on the experience) on how on push-up 1,100 I could barely move. And how 1,145 felt impossible. And how 1,250 wasn't done, how I collapsed on that one. Then I got up and did two. I had to make up for failing.

I used to have something called abs. I can't see them. Personally I feel like I lost them. I gained way too much 'bulk' from the intense work I've been doing. I know it is not necessary, and there will be something done about this. I will do something about this.

You see, I can't plan. But I can tell myself what needs to be done. If I keep my goal real, I will find the time for it. I just have to want it. And every time I take my shirt off I want it back. I want to feel beautiful... not bulky. I don't know what happened, because I'm the same size, but when I look at myself I feel so wide. Its gross. Its those lines that disappeared... they made me feel like I was wearing a vertical stripe pattern and that felt thinner. I need it back.
And the push-ups make me feel so weird. My posture is... wacky. It forces me to slouch, and then when the soreness leaves (all the sudden it leaves... but I know if I tried to do work it would be sore) I feel like I can't tell when I'm straight.
And posture is something I pride myself in.

Hm... this brings me to one thing that I would ask of F-F. Pull your hips back. If there is one thing that I want from you is perfect posture. She has a great body, a pretty face, all the things that satisfy the shallow base I am. She has a shy demeanor, and an artist's mind; her kind soul shows love for me when it is undecided on whether it does love me or not. That suits my romantic taste. Posture. Needs posture.
And
Pride. One thing I couldn't stand is her saying "I am his girlfriend." No, you are not.
He is your boyfriend. Always say: "He is my boyfriend."
Not even "My boyfriend is him": unless you say "I have a boyfriend: and it is him" Own him.
I don't want you to be trapped into the mentality of being his. Because... you don't even know what happens in all my dreams.

For all you people that think I'm just pointlessly rambling... Do you ever have that moment where you compare someone to the person you love? When you compare them, do you ever think about where you would start when you are going to carve them alive?
I'm allowed on the streets.
Because... I have control over everything.

I'm sometimes afraid that only Anorexics, or drug addicts would understand. But yes. 2,000. Today.
And tomorrow?
No Plans.

This is Friday. The 13th of November. I did 2,000 push-ups. I ate a breakfast, a salad, and a pizza (not a whole fool pizza). I can live on less. I have more important things to focus on I hope.

Stay Beautiful

M T

Guess what day it is... Wednesday.

I signed-up for classes.
How did the fast go?

...
Nope. I ate.
I ate cereal, stew, and an apple. I feel so overfull. So that is all I shall eat today.
Tomorrow I have got school. But more important, I get to have the chance to see F-F. My mind is split between finishing up a paper and buying a flower for F-F. I know the paper is more important... I do.
Or is it?
She wouldn't hate me if I didn't get her a flower, she probably wouldn't hate me if I didn't show up (would think very low of me yes). I still think she is important. So important...

I love the little bit of hunger I have been letting myself feel lately. I have just enough hunger to put me in a bad mood; except I know I can snap, and so I don't. I have an angry brain. I think so fast. And the thoughts are clear. My words are sharper. I want to be thinner.
This is the path.

I shall be doing the intense push-ups again on the weekend if I can.
I'm going somewhere all day on Sunday for a volunteer event. I will not do the push-ups then because of that.
The reason I can only do about 300-800 push-ups on these days is because I have no video games to make it easy. When I base my workout around my gaming, I get in an inhuman amount of work. On my own... I don't do as well.

I signed up for classes. I put up for 16 units this next semester, or 5 classes worth.
The current grades I have scare me. I have 2 A's for sure, a for sure F that I think I have a slight chance to make up, and a mystery grade. I have no clue what will become of that grade.
Still, in my mind I picture a white rose.
That is the flower I wish to give to F-F tomorrow.
Shall I find it?

What else shall I do that day? I will not eat that much.
I hope... she likes my body.


Stay Beautiful