I hate plans.
They don't like me.
I did lots of push-ups, but that feels like a long time ago. Today I only did 300. And I'm in need of sleep. And I got scammed/ Cause I'm an idiott/.
I want to fast on Wednesday.
But that would be a plan.
I'm no good at those.
I also hate my body. For the reason that other people love it. I don't want any No Strings Attached junk. I need the strings. The complications. I like being flawed. But not in my body. My body needs to be perfect.
I want to fast, so that I don't have the ability to think as fast the next day. I want to be out of my mind.
Stay Beautiful
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Acheived
I did 1000 Push-ups.
I'm wondering why I am so weak right now. I tried doing one-armed push-ups just a few seconds ago. They were impossibly hard, I was shaking, I failed once even. And when i did the normal push-ups, when i hit 950 (that was around the 18th set cause I did 2 sets of 60 and one of 80) I felt like I couldn't do it. Actually, I couldn't I did 32, and then 18. And then I finished it off with 50.
I do not feel sore.
I just can't work anymore.
I get so tired of always having my mind on myself. I think of myself all day. I don't want to. Right now I tried to renew my book online for the library. Couldn't.
When i read my book I don't often think of me. I imagine the landscape, and the events unfolding. If I ever do place myself within the book it is to observe the textures within the world, or to imagine myself parallel to the main character. In Darknesses, Alcius (I didn't check my spelling, but I'm guessing it looks strange to me because of the font on here) seems such a flawless hero. He always wins. It is because of his natural ability called 'Talent'. But what I admire most about Alcius is his love for his wife. It was a love at first sight story, and although he had no prior experience with women, Alcius handled the relationship perfectly. Always a gentleman, always moving forward. Perfect in ways I wish I could be.
Of course, if Alcius were a real person, and I met him, and I saw that his body wasn't as perfect as he was... I would see it as a fault. I'm working; I'm getting there. But my body too, is weak. Like me.
I hate being weak. I hate thinking of myself. I know I'm trying to be strong. The question is; what for?
I can't give up.
I don't know... I'm hoping I will be able to do more push-ups today.
I like the idea of push-ups. Push-ups are like a form of punishment. And I feel I need to be punished. Especially after I eat. I am not getting thinner. I move around like I am. I look like I am. But the food I eat... it doesn't feel like I could be. Maybe I feel weak because most of what I have eaten is vegetables for the past week. I know I am above 1200 calories a day (considered minimal healthy) and I don't know how much I work off. I feel so tired. I don't know if I can do more.
But I need more
I can't stop here. Goals are made so you can reach them, and then from there you can be free to do whatever you want.
Stay Beautiful
I'm wondering why I am so weak right now. I tried doing one-armed push-ups just a few seconds ago. They were impossibly hard, I was shaking, I failed once even. And when i did the normal push-ups, when i hit 950 (that was around the 18th set cause I did 2 sets of 60 and one of 80) I felt like I couldn't do it. Actually, I couldn't I did 32, and then 18. And then I finished it off with 50.
I do not feel sore.
I just can't work anymore.
I get so tired of always having my mind on myself. I think of myself all day. I don't want to. Right now I tried to renew my book online for the library. Couldn't.
When i read my book I don't often think of me. I imagine the landscape, and the events unfolding. If I ever do place myself within the book it is to observe the textures within the world, or to imagine myself parallel to the main character. In Darknesses, Alcius (I didn't check my spelling, but I'm guessing it looks strange to me because of the font on here) seems such a flawless hero. He always wins. It is because of his natural ability called 'Talent'. But what I admire most about Alcius is his love for his wife. It was a love at first sight story, and although he had no prior experience with women, Alcius handled the relationship perfectly. Always a gentleman, always moving forward. Perfect in ways I wish I could be.
Of course, if Alcius were a real person, and I met him, and I saw that his body wasn't as perfect as he was... I would see it as a fault. I'm working; I'm getting there. But my body too, is weak. Like me.
I hate being weak. I hate thinking of myself. I know I'm trying to be strong. The question is; what for?
I can't give up.
I don't know... I'm hoping I will be able to do more push-ups today.
I like the idea of push-ups. Push-ups are like a form of punishment. And I feel I need to be punished. Especially after I eat. I am not getting thinner. I move around like I am. I look like I am. But the food I eat... it doesn't feel like I could be. Maybe I feel weak because most of what I have eaten is vegetables for the past week. I know I am above 1200 calories a day (considered minimal healthy) and I don't know how much I work off. I feel so tired. I don't know if I can do more.
But I need more
I can't stop here. Goals are made so you can reach them, and then from there you can be free to do whatever you want.
Stay Beautiful
Goal
I usually don't think of goals. Goals make me feel like homework.
Today my goal is 1000 push-ups. It is going to hurt.
Not 1000 in one sitting... I can only max at about 100 per rep at the time. I'm probably going to do the 1000 in sets of 50, because although it is relatively easy, it still hurts, I still have to push myself, and I have to do it 20 times at least today if I want to achieve my goal. I have work today, that might interfere, but I shouldn't let it. I can do this.
I just hate that its a goal.
Today my goal is 1000 push-ups. It is going to hurt.
Not 1000 in one sitting... I can only max at about 100 per rep at the time. I'm probably going to do the 1000 in sets of 50, because although it is relatively easy, it still hurts, I still have to push myself, and I have to do it 20 times at least today if I want to achieve my goal. I have work today, that might interfere, but I shouldn't let it. I can do this.
I just hate that its a goal.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Dream
Exercise... zip.
I did push-ups, but all day today... nothing.
Hopeless. I actually freak out when I think about it. Because I do feel hopeless.
eh... my shoulders hurt from the sheer number of push-ups I did today. And it wasn't enough. I did sets of 50, probably about 10 times total today? 500. One of the sets I did 80! Yay! 80 Push-ups in one sitting! And then I did some ab workout. I feel better about my stomach because of that cold or flu that I had. It saved my life... seriously might have killed myself if I let my stomach become a belly. I shudder to think...
oh... I had this dream... here is an except of obsession about it:
She was so thin. F-F wore a white dress, her body like an hourglass. The dress sparkled. Her eyes were always looking far away. I was coming, she wanted to see me. I swallowed her in a hug, her waist was so small. I pulled her under my shoulders. It would last forever. I wanted to wait; she knew I wouldn’t wait too long. People… somewhere. All I remember was F-F. Her white dress, her hourglass waist, her brown eyes looking away, her face framed by straight simple hair. Some kind of internal beauty. no feature, but on her face and it felt like it was connected to me. She was so free, and when I held her, I let her free again. I am not letting go… my facelessfantasy.
Stay Beautiful
I did push-ups, but all day today... nothing.
Hopeless. I actually freak out when I think about it. Because I do feel hopeless.
eh... my shoulders hurt from the sheer number of push-ups I did today. And it wasn't enough. I did sets of 50, probably about 10 times total today? 500. One of the sets I did 80! Yay! 80 Push-ups in one sitting! And then I did some ab workout. I feel better about my stomach because of that cold or flu that I had. It saved my life... seriously might have killed myself if I let my stomach become a belly. I shudder to think...
oh... I had this dream... here is an except of obsession about it:
She was so thin. F-F wore a white dress, her body like an hourglass. The dress sparkled. Her eyes were always looking far away. I was coming, she wanted to see me. I swallowed her in a hug, her waist was so small. I pulled her under my shoulders. It would last forever. I wanted to wait; she knew I wouldn’t wait too long. People… somewhere. All I remember was F-F. Her white dress, her hourglass waist, her brown eyes looking away, her face framed by straight simple hair. Some kind of internal beauty. no feature, but on her face and it felt like it was connected to me. She was so free, and when I held her, I let her free again. I am not letting go… my facelessfantasy.
Stay Beautiful
Sunday, November 1, 2009
"I'm afraid my crush will think I hate him because I'm afraid to be around him..." - F-F
I don't know. I really don't know.
Me,
I am afraid of the weight I lost... how I needed a cold or flu or whatever to lose. I'm afraid that although I ran today, and I have the assistance of Daylight Savings time to help me stay at my best, I will not lose any more. I'm afraid of the weakening I can feel every day I don't push myself harder and harder...
I'm afraid before every meal, after every meal. I'm planning constantly: thinking "what is the least I can survive with?" and "what is the most I can do with it?" I look in the mirror, and I'm afraid because I see myself so large. I want to be thinner, and yet people tell me all the time: too tall. Too skinny.
NO SUCH THING.
I want to be alone... so alone. I want a place in an icy house where I can cling to myself and become smaller. I just want to lay in a semi-awake state until the problem thaws. And I know... that if I was in this cold house, alone, in shades of black and white, I would still want someone else. Maybe just to keep warm. I want someone to bring me home. Because I really don't want to live in the ice forever...
scum.
I hope tonight I dream well. I want to be on a large seabearing vessel, with clear misty spray rising due to fair winds. A bright sky with minimal clouds, a mast full of wind, no land in sight, but a clear direction and goal. Yep... tonight I go sailing.
Oh... for those of you keeping track: I ate like a king.
Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat
Morning: large homemade wheat waffle, herb tea.
Lunch: Beef stroganoff (spelling... ew), yogurt, blueberries.
Snack: Wasabi covered Peas, artichoke dip, carrots
Dinner: Rib eye steak, green beans, potato
Dessert: Yogurt, Chai tea
I shouldn't eat dessert. I can't say I deserve such a thing. My gosh... I'm so frustrated with myself. I work tomorrow in the morning. I'm waking up at 5:00AM and pretending I just had a daylight savings error. With the extra time... I think I can put in a mile in freezing cold temps. Or SOMETHING.
Today activity: random push-ups... getting weaker, even my one-armed is not doing so well.
Volleyball for at least an hour, with a break to play tag with little kids
Run, 2 and a half miles.
Stay Beautiful...
I don't know. I really don't know.
Me,
I am afraid of the weight I lost... how I needed a cold or flu or whatever to lose. I'm afraid that although I ran today, and I have the assistance of Daylight Savings time to help me stay at my best, I will not lose any more. I'm afraid of the weakening I can feel every day I don't push myself harder and harder...
I'm afraid before every meal, after every meal. I'm planning constantly: thinking "what is the least I can survive with?" and "what is the most I can do with it?" I look in the mirror, and I'm afraid because I see myself so large. I want to be thinner, and yet people tell me all the time: too tall. Too skinny.
NO SUCH THING.
I want to be alone... so alone. I want a place in an icy house where I can cling to myself and become smaller. I just want to lay in a semi-awake state until the problem thaws. And I know... that if I was in this cold house, alone, in shades of black and white, I would still want someone else. Maybe just to keep warm. I want someone to bring me home. Because I really don't want to live in the ice forever...
scum.
I hope tonight I dream well. I want to be on a large seabearing vessel, with clear misty spray rising due to fair winds. A bright sky with minimal clouds, a mast full of wind, no land in sight, but a clear direction and goal. Yep... tonight I go sailing.
Oh... for those of you keeping track: I ate like a king.
Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat
Morning: large homemade wheat waffle, herb tea.
Lunch: Beef stroganoff (spelling... ew), yogurt, blueberries.
Snack: Wasabi covered Peas, artichoke dip, carrots
Dinner: Rib eye steak, green beans, potato
Dessert: Yogurt, Chai tea
I shouldn't eat dessert. I can't say I deserve such a thing. My gosh... I'm so frustrated with myself. I work tomorrow in the morning. I'm waking up at 5:00AM and pretending I just had a daylight savings error. With the extra time... I think I can put in a mile in freezing cold temps. Or SOMETHING.
Today activity: random push-ups... getting weaker, even my one-armed is not doing so well.
Volleyball for at least an hour, with a break to play tag with little kids
Run, 2 and a half miles.
Stay Beautiful...
Halloween
I'm not sure how anyone else did... and I am kinda going against myself when I say this: but I partied really big for Halloween this year.
Had the house all to myself, 4 friends came, and we just had a great time. Last minute I came up with this amazing idea for a costume. I was an old man for Halloween. I put out a lawn chair and would wait for kids so I could yell at them to get off my lawn. I'd call them whippersnappers and tell them to scoot there keester out of here. Fun times. I swept the sidewalk waiting for kids, and people across the street would laugh at me. My costume looked really funny, my acting was spectacular. My throat could have done better because my old man voice hurt after a while.
But then the tricker-treaters died down. The guys played video games while I cooked! I got a few games in of Brawl, I'd sneak in a game when something was finishing cooking. All night I didn't burn (or accidentally melt something) anything, and I made something like 6 dishes in 2 and a half hours. Had both ovens running at different temperatures all night, and I made homemade ice cream. I managed to get away with a smaller slice of cake than everyone else, but eh... I suck because I ate a lot of ice cream. Thankfully my throat felt a little better, but I know hot tea works way better than ice cream. Even hot salt water works better than ice cream for a sore throat.
Woke up this morning with my throat burning. So... I tried something weird. The pain seemed localized and only happened when i swallowed. Felt like the entrance part, the part where if I wanted to throw up I'd just poke, was the only thing hurting. Hurts enough to wake me up, so I though I might as well try what I had in mind.
I took my toothbrush and brushed my throat. Seriously gag reflexed about a dozen times. But every time I held back (didn't have anything to throw up anyway). Now... it doesn't hurt, although I do feel a little pain every once and a while when I swallow still. But it did a lot for me, because now it doesn't feel like every swallow has a load full of snot in it. I feel like all the drainage junk my throat was dealing with just halted, and that took away most, if not all the burn.
So if your throat hurts, just put some toothpaste on your toothbrush, stick it down your throat, and get scratching. eh... but you didn't hear it from me.
No candy.
Yes. I had no candy, will have no candy (in fact, only 5 pieces of candy survived the night).
At least I am capable of not eating candy.
Dinner was a thin piece of fish, and pretty much 3/4ths of a squash.
eh... I'm sick. (but I feel fine!)
Stay beautiful
Had the house all to myself, 4 friends came, and we just had a great time. Last minute I came up with this amazing idea for a costume. I was an old man for Halloween. I put out a lawn chair and would wait for kids so I could yell at them to get off my lawn. I'd call them whippersnappers and tell them to scoot there keester out of here. Fun times. I swept the sidewalk waiting for kids, and people across the street would laugh at me. My costume looked really funny, my acting was spectacular. My throat could have done better because my old man voice hurt after a while.
But then the tricker-treaters died down. The guys played video games while I cooked! I got a few games in of Brawl, I'd sneak in a game when something was finishing cooking. All night I didn't burn (or accidentally melt something) anything, and I made something like 6 dishes in 2 and a half hours. Had both ovens running at different temperatures all night, and I made homemade ice cream. I managed to get away with a smaller slice of cake than everyone else, but eh... I suck because I ate a lot of ice cream. Thankfully my throat felt a little better, but I know hot tea works way better than ice cream. Even hot salt water works better than ice cream for a sore throat.
Woke up this morning with my throat burning. So... I tried something weird. The pain seemed localized and only happened when i swallowed. Felt like the entrance part, the part where if I wanted to throw up I'd just poke, was the only thing hurting. Hurts enough to wake me up, so I though I might as well try what I had in mind.
I took my toothbrush and brushed my throat. Seriously gag reflexed about a dozen times. But every time I held back (didn't have anything to throw up anyway). Now... it doesn't hurt, although I do feel a little pain every once and a while when I swallow still. But it did a lot for me, because now it doesn't feel like every swallow has a load full of snot in it. I feel like all the drainage junk my throat was dealing with just halted, and that took away most, if not all the burn.
So if your throat hurts, just put some toothpaste on your toothbrush, stick it down your throat, and get scratching. eh... but you didn't hear it from me.
No candy.
Yes. I had no candy, will have no candy (in fact, only 5 pieces of candy survived the night).
At least I am capable of not eating candy.
Dinner was a thin piece of fish, and pretty much 3/4ths of a squash.
eh... I'm sick. (but I feel fine!)
Stay beautiful
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