Unwilling to embrace the cure

Am I better?

I gave more than a sane person ever would into a relationship built on a foundation of lies. And yet I still love her.

She legitimately spends her money on fentanyl. Smokes it in the room we share. I haven't charged her rent. When she gets high its hard for her to be nice to me. I get pushed away physically and emotionally. And yet... its not me that I care about so all of that is irrelevant.

Its just so hard to take someone seriously when their actions live up to an addict and not to their own aspirations or words.

As crazy as it sounds I can't think of anyone more understanding of that mental state than me.

I wonder why I can tolerate the mistreatment.

Part of me is locked away in Nirvana. Where none of this matters. Where I understand what it feels like to be mentally in the deep end of an Olympic sized pool of emotional turmoil. I've had years where I emotionally held my breath. Maybe the part of me meant to feel the pain suffocated. 

But the rest of me survived. And felt pain. Like I feel now.

Alive... and nostalgic.

I'm probably too pragmatic. Because more than anything I feel confusion. How did it get here and why does nothing I do change anything? How long will I have to wait and if I do nothing else but wait will things never change?

Should I just abandon her?

I feel like the way she acts and treats me implies how she abandons the very idea of me daily.

But if I save her will I finally feel saved myself?

The right thing

Someone mentioned how getting older with a poisoned brain drained their patience and passion. They could no longer play their instrument or read new books. I've been in the same place and admitted to the same things. I sank over 10 years into music, and I've lost it.
It reminds me so much of how people spend years in school learning math, only to spend enough time away that they can't even help their children with homework. I'm probably already at that point with math too honestly. Even though math was one of those pastimes that boosted my ego. Nowadays people praise my memory. But its not remembering things, but caring about them that lets me recall data so efficiently.

 

My cat this morning left blood on the floor, she also cried after using the litter box. I think she had a UTI from having a messy shit last night. I would have done more than just comfort her, but all I had to do was provide comfort and she healed up on her own. Sometimes just my instinct on being able to tell intuitively what the most likely diagnosis is and how to deal with it make me feel like I'm destined for medicine. I personally understand how powerful of a healer time is. And I'm sympathetic to pain because I've experienced it. 

Right behind my computer monitor I had a list of 11 things I had to do. I've done 2 of them. I'm so useless. Its great. I mean, not doing these things on the list has already cost me close to $100. But its money I'm willing to spend to do nothing. Sometimes I just don't want to be responsible.

Its wonderful when you can read the character of a person by a book or movie or show they like. I have a friend that I'm sure will enjoy Fate/Zero and Fate/Unlimited Blade Works just because of my read on his principles. It feels like just by having this read I've had an unspoken conversation about honor and morality. 

 

The words: do the right thing- are such loaded words. Sometimes I wonder how much time people consider the meaning of those words. And if those words haunt them every night. 

 

I love being haunted by doing what I perceived to have been the right thing. I'm still haunted by it. 

Arizona crossroads

 I had a good deal of time where self respect was the mantra on my mind. 

I decided that I have no self respect. If I had self respect I would be clean. I would be motivated to organize. I would want to get better. I would want and pursue companionship. I would seek to satisfy my life instead of only doing my best to suffer small. 

Others in my life have pain. But I find if I concentrate fully on their personality flaws I can dismiss their plights. I wonder if anyone can do the same to me. I can be quite an annoying person.

I'll passionately involve myself when it suits my interests. And when I'm disinterested I will swiftly drift away. 

The number for my weight when I last stepped on the scale was close to 130lbs. Thats a good normal. I mean its as good as I'm gong to get with this mental state. I keep doing one meal a day because I have no respect for my body. I could blame a lack of hunger ques, but that is just a consequence of a battle I fought long ago. A long time ago I used to anguish over how ravenous my appetite would get. And how it felt impossible to just not eat. And now its the easiest thing. Its the path of least resistance. I feel like what I learned is useful in treating eating disorders. 

When you narrow the options for comfort foods, and then you only eat comfort foods... then you end up in a situation where the comfort food isn't enough sustenance. Its difficult to have a whole cupboard with nothing but chocolate covered pretzels, but sometimes that feels like the only meal I'd allow myself to eat. 

I used to get frustrated when I saw this behavior in others. But I wanted to understand. I didn't want to combat their feelings. I just now realize I'm in the same place that they were. And its years beyond. Its like those nightmares I sometimes have where I'm forced to retake honors English 10 while I'm 29 years old at the high school I went to. Funnily enough I already retook that class once while I was a senior. 

I'd honestly have a great time, but I'd also be in hives from the embarrassment of being a full grown idiot adult in a classroom like that. 

I had a 2 minute conversation with a friend about how emotionally underwhelming near death experiences are. I never even considered my near death experience as an important event while I was experiencing it. I was honestly thinking to myself how I was sad I couldn't move, and how it was surprisingly not as painful as an ear infection or toothache.

What this conversation truly enlightened was how emotionally impactful events matter so much more than life or death. Its things like love, mental illness, the decision to abandon something that took years to build, or the decision to start something new... that ARE life and death to soul. Those are where the trauma is geographically located. 

Accidentally putting a Nintendo switch into my sock drawer was what motivated me to get a job above poverty wages while I was a student. And while I've abandoned being a student since then, my life has been more satisfying since. I think about how low I feel now, and I feel like I can look back and see a canyon behind me. 

You know what I'd love to do though?

I'd love to climb a mountain someday.

A calling

 Deaf people will tell you that being deaf is not a disability. 

There are many people with hearing that do not want to imagine living life 'without' music. 

I personally view mental illness not being a disability the same way that deaf people regard inability to hear as not being a disability.

Sure... I have whole days I waste away.

Sometimes I waste because I purposely didn't refuel. Sometimes its wasted because I spent all my mental energy convincing myself a normal meal is something I deserved today. Sometimes I just dont have motivation. I'm sure normal people are like this.

Just like how people that adore music don't want to imagine a world without it: I do not like imagining a world where I do not feel as alive. I get too much purpose from breaking myself.

I love waking up early. I'm often in such a rush I dont eat. I'm stuck doing whatever I'm doing so I dont eat. And by the time most of my waking day is gone I can have a meal and it wont ever make up for my current deficit. But it also gives me as much sunshine as possible. It lets me shop before things close. I could even visit people, but I dont know how social I'll continue to be. I'm currently in a phase where I dont feel like I deserve the company of others. I feel like I have to fix particles of myself before I enjoy myself with others. I shouldn't be trusted. It is ill mannered of me to talk to others when I have no control over how poisonous I am. 

I'm sure there was more I wanted to say. But I'll leave this post here. I havent said anything, but that isn't unusual at all for me.

Destiny is a full time job

 Oddly enough I hate sleeping in. Often it ruins all my plans, and to me my plans are worth more than my health. I mean at least that is coherent with the eating disorder.

The worst part about sleeping in is how difficult it is to sleep the next day. At midnight I wont be tired at all, and often it will stretch later into the night. Then I'll be forced to sleep in the next day, the restless hours will prolong and eventually I'll be sleeping when the sun rises. 

Its such a small complaint just because I easily make do with it. The concept of sleeping in still irks me. 

I'm glad I didn't take advantage of the most recent lady to be attracted to me. She said something to me about how everyone meets someone for a reason. And I knew to her it meant that I was linked to her by destiny.

I do believe that, I just believe that destiny is also something that can simply be made. I can destiny myself into running a marathon. I destiny'd myself into being underweight. 

Perhaps the way I describe it can be perceived as demeaning. But I think the meaning I am looking for is that uncontrollable destiny can still be slightly controlled. 

Damns can at least tell you where the flood will occur when they fail. And so my best efforts to create a destiny where I die to my own mind can likewise be an overfilled drowning simulator. 

I've always wondered if I could be a healthcare provider for people that have mental illness. Because when I see self inflicted wounds I empathize to my core. And I have a craving to share deeper. 

I don't know if I could work with that around me.

But I do know I'd like it.

black dream muted

 It feels like its too late for my mind. I mean I'm already mentally ill. What even is the cure after being mentally broken? Does everything- medication, meditation, mediation, mastication- all middle down into damage control? Erasers are a concept that paper and whiteboards know. Memories aren't so easy to clean ink stains from.

Yet still I wonder when its actually too late. Sometimes I lose the connection with joy like its a song that stopped playing or a video put on mute. The perception disabled. 

I picked up the easiest book I could because I had 2 books with markers in them that I haven't been able to joy. 

And then the 12th page of harry potter and the philosopher's stone made me cry. It was close enough to joy for me to put the book down and enter a sleep inked fully black.

 

My will to communicate feels broken too. I delete messages to everyone and hours later I realize I never sent anything.

 So why am I waiting for a reply?

 

I wonder if I can focus enough to make something. Not of myself, as I'm as worthless as the junk fort I live in. Something out of the thoughts I have.

 

 

I'm not currently sure what a coherent plan is. 

I did write something to the-void

 

Ive been eating my favorite foods and for some reason it feels ashen within me. It dies as soon as i swallow it and i feel rotten inside.

[11:21 PM]

I feel so much more satisfied empty lately

 

Break them both

 Its always about my weight. And when I was in the hospital I was 119lbs again (6'1" height).

 

I've held dear a perspective of desiring to be the good guy. Sometimes I'll do the noble thing when it hurts and I feel nothing but desire to divulge in my devil just because I want to be the good guy. I'm definitely not convincing myself with that act. I'm just marinating myself in innocence sauce in front of others. 

Can you believe I spent 6 days in the hospital?

 

Hospital food is criminal. I wanted to puke it just to give them a lesson at how unbearable it is. I don't need luxury, but I don't want to feel like I'm being tortured into being cured. I hope prisons have better food honestly. 

Quarantine is easier when I feel like I deserve to be lonely. I get to self indulge in emotional turmoil freely. Its just a great excuse to backtrack on progressing to feel better. 

Do I really want to feel better?

Or am I just avoiding pain?

One of the more entertaining parts of my discharge is that I was given iron pills for anemia, but then I was given 5 laxatives for the constipation of the iron. My shit was black for at least 5 days from those pills. And they kill my hunger. But I didn't take any of the laxatives. Because you don't need those if you eat vegetarian the way I do.

Still... the greatest hunger suppressant for me is heartbreak. I broke someone else's heart, and it recoiled back to me. Its so strange to me how even though I feel sensation-less I look back at the feeling and crave it. Something about being so emotionally numb that I physically feel like I'm swallowing krypton makes me feel as though this is peak lifetime experience. When I'm so upset that my brain runs in circles so fast I feel oxygen deprived enough to drown on air. Its like skydiving, but also landing without a parachute over and over and over. 

I did that to someone else... and also to myself. Its only fair right?

I'm sure I'm not even sorry and I'd do it again if I was given a chance. I even think I deserve another chance. 

I think about my hospitalization over and over... and I'd break them both again if given the chance.

Page 171

This book is so intense. I was going to read another chapter and go to sleep. I knew in the back of my mind that something terrible was about to happen. As I broke through the words the feeling crept to the prefrontal cortex. Now I wonder if I can sleep after reading that.


Fiction is insane.

I don't see why anyone would want to read about the real world or even interact with it when fiction has the potential to be so much greater than anything physical. When fiction lives up to its destiny its like an infection.

Unavoidable.
Transmittable.
Permeable.
Lethal.


I think in all my time with calorie restriction I've only ever fasted 5 days of my life. Today I had reduced meal frequency, but physically I feel like I can't handle an empty tank.

I'm actually reassured by my weakness.



I've been a useless, developmentally slow adult for a while now. I'd like to blame it on my low wage and the inflexibility I have to change my routine. I even rationalize my starving by saying its just the starving wages. When I see other people spend money it feel like they belong in another world. Maybe they are just as unreal as the fiction I read...



When I'm deeper in the book I'll drop its name.
I should be careful who I recommend this book to, because unlike the other books that I've read that swallow you up and spit you out this one has some real teeth. I feel like I'm experiencing the trauma of the characters just from believing its possible this could happen. This is more brutal than the book about contagious blindness and society falling apart when no one could see. Its fast and stylistic like an Ellen Hopkins book. But crude, unlike her poetry. This makes it more believable. There are gaps in the story, but you know whats happening.


I never finished my other book. I may have even left that at my parents' house. In fact, I started this book saying that I gave up on not starting it.

Maybe I should adopt that attitude a bit more. I should give up on being a total failure. I should give up being poor. Afraid. Lonely. Broken. Messy. Unreliable. An escapist. Weak. Lazy. Worthless.



I should give up
Every
thing

Blue Screen

I remember reading long ago how strange it is that blue isn't the color of many foods. It was hypothesized that the color would have appetite suppressing effects, or at the very least not stimulate appetite because its not as alluring as the colors red or green.


I was never quite satisfied with blue being that simple. After all, if we had taken what we now call a green light and just used blue instead our associations with the color could be changed entirely. Sometimes something fits into its place and then we try to talk in a way to make it fit even more into its niche.


I feel blue.
I have people telling me why its good that I lost 5 years of hair. People that tell me I'm on the path to success when I do nothing for myself.

Its so sad too because I know what I want, but I have no desire to attain it.




I also know that I'm crippled. The battery life on my phone feels like it has a direct plug into my sanity. As it approaches zero I feel the rapids pull me towards panic, and yet I've fallen down that drain before. I know how calm it is to be in the eye of the whirlpool. But I hate it there because there is nothing to occupy my mind and all I have to look at is blue.

I don't want a blue screen.

The only thing I'm addicted to

I haven't been taking care of myself.

On October 7th I got a giant knot in my hair. Just today i finally got that knot out of my hair. I haven't showered in over a month. I haven't exercised in 2 weeks. I have had many days where I don't eat my first meal until 10pm. My cat has been shitting on the floor and sometimes I just leave it there. I don't feel like doing anything.

I'd like to say I don't care, but honestly it just feels like something I lack the capacity for. I have no capacity.


There are people on meth that have their life together more than I do.

What is her name?

I'm close to 120lbs. I mean... I weighed at 120.0 lbs this morning and I haven't eaten all of today or yesterday. My body has been good to me in that I only feel a lack of strength. I don't feel weakness.


I'm afraid of tomorrow. The day on the calendar that makes me afraid to want love. Since what does it do to me to have it fall to pieces? Can I love the pieces of love? Will I be loved tomorrow?


I should say that I have been seeing someone. She is everything I want. Its tough to deal with the unknown of wondering if I am at all anything that she wants. Maybe the way i have treated her- which has been immaculately endearing- will convince her to keep me around. I have plans tomorrow with her and I plan to do an evening first kiss at a scenic place. I'm so afraid of failure, but I still need to try.


In my mind I'm not sure if I want to eat tomorrow. Fasting has been keeping my mind clear, which helps with the stress I feel at fear of failure.

I have an interview for a job that pays basically minimum wage tomorrow. I think that it is slightly higher pay than my current job. There are many people in the first world that would find my existence to be pathetic or of low value. Don't worry, I share the same feelings for myself like any reasonable person would.

Hopefully I won't have to feel that way for very long.

Trash Day

The dumpster truck came by to pick up the trash today. I'm so bad at being a responsible adult that sometimes I leave it empty. But then again I live alone and I don't generate much trash. I've forgotten before and having two weeks of trash at a time isn't too much since I'm pretty low waste generally. Its one of the environmental benefits of calorie restriction.


The small things break me down. I hate the feeling of looking to scotch tape on Christmas day to wrap some presents. I hate how I lament on how I've done this three years consecutively. I have a semiserious case of first world anxieties.


My weight is up 3lbs. 5lbs if I weigh with clothes on since I still have to wear so much to stay warm. I'm upset about it every time I can spare a second.
My cat got a feeding bowl for christmas, so far its been stressing her out. Hopefully she adjusts fine. For now I'll have to evict her from my lap because I have somewhere to be.

Meow.

Content creation

I've stabilized around 125lbs.


For such a long time that was the goal.

Now it feels like the goal is to just get a little worse so that I collapse.
Maybe then I won't say no to therapy.


I know what I really want. I know this isn't the way to get it. But this is my way of painting the picture that I want to see. Hunger is my palette.  Caffeine my brush.  Water my canvass.



I actually looked it up. There is an eating disorder clinic something like 5.3 miles away from me on one of the cross streets I currently live on.

I can't go.



I'm not ready to be honest with anyone. I'm not even honest to this blog. Fuck being honest. Who deserves the truth from me anyways? I earned my secrets and I'm hiding them simply because telling the secrets puts me in more danger than keeping hidden.
Also some of my secrets are damn embarrass to talk about.


I'd much rather talk about how I cleaned my fridge. It looks so nice when it has almost nothing in it. Haha... I was even scared to eat fucking kale. I don't know why... since the carotenoid antioxidants do so well for my mind.

What can I say... dietary sabotage is an excellent hobby. 

Swallow your pride with your words

I fucking hate relying on others.


But if there is something I've learned about success it is how much easier it is to succeed when you have the help of others.


I've used pro-ana communities to motivate myself to get to lower numbers than ever before because I feel like I am being held accountable. I've gotten jobs from my parents job searching for me. I've had teachers pass me when I had less than a passing grade. I guess I could search my memory for more, but these statements feel relevant enough. It should be sufficient to say that I would not have taken many steps forward if I didn't have people that would lift my feet for me.


Which brings me to my current state. In my mind I keep telling myself that I've gained 10 lbs. In reality its more like 5 lbs, but I'm mentally preparing myself for what I will term recovery. But I have a nagging sensation to drag myself back. The people around me would pull me towards a healthy weight, but I just want to lose 10 again. I want to be the lowest I've ever been.


Its funny. I wanted to tell someone this is a low point in my life. And before the words left my mouth I had to swallow them because I knew I have worse in store.



I'm not sure what will become of me.

unnaturalbenos

I just hate how I have to live my life... where it feels like all the people in my real life can't be told all the secrets I have or the real reason why I'm 6'1" and 125lbs. That I actually try to be this weight, and if I had the willpower I'd be lower and closer to death. I actually want to flirt with death... and its not something that I can explain. Its like trying to explain why grey is my favorite color. I can find all the reasons in my head for it, but its still not going to make grey into a colorful color that other people like. Its still going to be dull to them. My state of mind is still going to be sick when I tell them why I feel this way. I'm tired of lying, but I know as soon as I tell the truth I'll lose my freedom to do what I do without resistance. I don't want to have to fight other people over my personal decisions, and the less they know the better. But why do I hate keeping the secret?

Commitment

I've never wanted to commit to anything.

Or at least... the things I've wanted to commit for I haven't had the balls to commit for and everything else that was easy enough to commit to was just convenient and there.

I really want to tell the girl that is texting me that she happened to be there. That I don't want to commit. That I just don't like the music she plays, or the weight she is, or the things she talks about. I really do listen to her, but I just don't see myself enjoying her words for very long. I don't want to change her.

Doesn't this happen to anyone else? What you are given just isn't what you want?


Although I can say that there are many things I have that I love to have. for instance all the food I've been binge-ing on. I've been loving it because I'm such a fatty. I have 14 containers of truffles, 12 boxes of perfect bars, a giant bag of pita chips, I just finished vegetarian pizza, I finished a greek yogurt that I ate with flaxmeal... all of this after a fast on Sunday. LOL. One day of not eating and then I'm stuffing my fat chops for 3 days straight. I'll never drop weight this way.


I've been active on peach. I love peach so far. I like being able to express how mildly disordered I am. I even took a mirror selfie. Its funny because I've been teasing that I'll leave pictures here for a while and I just get a different outlet and take a picture right away. I want so badly to fit in.


Maybe I just don't deserve it.

The 15th will be harder than the 14th

I purposely didn't message anyone on valentines day.

Well... I did reply back to one message. And I texted people back when they texted me. But I didn't send a valentines message.

Because I'm trying to realize that I'm not ready.


Dammit I want to be loved. I want to love. I want...
But I've been trying to teach myself for a while now that love isn't just about want. Its about fulfillment. Its adventure. Exploration. Its the comfort of gamaaminobutyricacid when you touch because your amygdala is quelled. The rush of dopamine when sunshine hits your pituitary gland. The oxytocin you share the oxygen you share the carbon dioxide you share the making-out you share.

I'm not sure what love is... maybe some of the CO2 I'm breathing is going to my brain and I'm trying to think with necrotic neurons.

I felt like all day today I was dying. Like I took too many blood thinners and I was a bruise away from bleeding out or a minute of holding my breath or locking my knees from fainting. My feet are currently asleep, but maybe that is because I'm sitting like a perched hermit. I'm in a house with 4 other people right now and I have total privacy, but I crave being alone.



I think that I want to be alone. But then I'm so confused because empty just doesn't feel right.

Valentines Nightmare

I had an incredible nightmare.

I was transitioning into a new home, but I was homeless for just a few nights. I saw a laundromat that was open 24 hours and decided to curl up in a blanket and sleep there. But then more and more homeless came and i felt less and less safe with all of them around.
I had brought a girl over to see my parents. She was thin. For some reason they weighed her. They didn't like her weight and said there was a problem. Then it was my turn to get weighed, but first I left to 'use the restroom' and filled my pockets with change. I had to move stiffly to not make a lot of noise and I prayed they wouldn't make me empty my pockets or think my weight was unacceptable even with the coins in my pockets. I woke up right after stepping on the scale.


Of course... this was a dream so I was at least 5lbs lighter.


But you know... one can dream.

Do I love me?

I'm surprised its Valentines day.

Also I'm not convinced when she told me that she could give up food for love. I don't even remember when I heard it, but I've heard her say it.

1. you wouldn't.

2. that is my job.


Although I'll probably give up both... Once I figure out how to give up food. Haha... I've been a pig.


I'm at least consistently weighing in at 125lbs. I've really gained 125lbs as a stable weight. It feels good to be stabilized here. I lay down and my hip bones are incredibly obvious to me and my back feels like its made of bone.
Its funny to me the downsides of this weight is that I actually felt like my arms were flabby today. I've got tiny arms, but I shouldn't be able to feel my flesh jiggle when i walk...

I'll just have to lose the weight. That will solve the problem.


Ugh I also burned the roof of my mouth. I was cooking zucchini with nutritional yeast and coconut oil and the oil and yeast mixture literally blistered my mouth because I didn't let it cool first. I was... just... starving.
FML.

I feel like I should give up sandwiches for lent. If I give up sandwiches I'll lose weight I bet.
I'm not even catholic, but I'll take any excuse to die a little slower.


School is killing me. I stress ate so much today. I'm just hoping that I can be better tomorrow.


And yet... I'm planning on cooking myself a big homemade meal with my new homemade vegan gluten free country style gravy that I've been raving about.


I'm also going to take a huge risk. I'm hoping it pays off.
I mean... I'm taking a bigger risk than the usual ones. I'm going to lose over half my money doing this. But mentally I've already committed to it.

Finally, if you have a peach add me :D
forgetremembering

<3 p="">

Do you want to be fearless?

Its actually difficult to gain weight.


I mean its also difficult to lose weight.


What is truly difficult is to change a person. This is why gaining weight is so hard. Its uncomfortable for me to eat outside of my spectrum of acceptable foods. And a larger quantity of food can cause discomfort as well. The change in mood that comes with different nutrients takes adjusting to... and sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and pretend the day never started.


I was especially aghast (is this even the proper use for the word aghast?) when a friend told me "well you look happy today. Are you always this happy?"

It was so easy to be honest to that question and just say no. Because no other explanation was needed.

But when someone asks "how are you?"... it can be so frustrating to want to say "well I don't know what is wrong, but everything feels wrong and its felt wrong for years and you probably know a little of what I am talking about, yet you still would rather hear me say 'good' in response even though that makes me uncomfortable"

Me personally... Its hard for me to believe everyone asking the question is 'good' themselves. They just ran out of creative ways to say hello so they stick to conversational conventions.

I don't know if I'll ever change to accept what is normal.


I just don't think I'd gain anything I want from that acceptance.





So I've been eating a lot. But I doubt its changed much. In fact even though I'll probably gain to 130lbs by valentines day I feel confident I can be this comfortable 125lbs again before April starts. I think the number only matters because of its symbolic importance. You don't feel sick unless the number says so. Even with the number it doesn't feel like enough.


I've had mandarins, sugar free gum, and a coffee that I added cool fad supplements to this morning. I'm going to work where I'll order a sandwich for lunch I think... And then tonight I'll do something with vegetables. Today will be a balanced day when it comes to my diet. But I'm craving the clean feeling you get from a fast. I know I'll struggle, but I just want to feel pure again.