Sin of Love

The kind of things i say

2011-12-13T22:21:00.001-08:00

I'm going to be donating bone marrow in two days. I look forward to it not because I'm going to be giving some 12 year old in desperate need a piece of me (the reality is that he could still die with my marrow), but because I'll be losing a whole liter of weight.
Now all the people in the organizations running this show wanted to be extremely cautious with me. I tested Anemic in 2 separate blood tests before the surgery was scheduled and I recently got over an incredible sickness (I say incredible because I lost probably 3lbs and was so sick I could hardly stand or sleep). And since then I haven't had all the symptoms disappear.
It sounds like the surgery should be postponed, BUT lucky me... The kid I'm giving to really needs the bone marrow as soon as possible.
So horray!
I really hope that this proceedure weakens me significantly enough that I get as drastically sick post-operation as I was last month.
That is what I want for Chrstmas.

I think I'm suicidal

\

stay beautiful

Other options

2011-12-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

I didn't fail the Iron test today.
Giving blood to myself... isn't there something disgusting and selfish about that? I donated blood today so I could give it to myself.

On an unrelated note I hope I die from the surgery.

I talked to people today.
I smiled at a lot of people today.
I hate myself...

I can't escape feeling like shit for being 'happy'. Its not happy. Not when I have so much to do. And I confessed my eating disorder to my Nutrition professor. She volunteered to give me until AFTER the class is over to turn in my diet analysis because I sent her an email telling her it is slightly triggering and I'm trying hard to pull through it.
I'm just a wimp.

I fear I'm going to fail Chemistry. I can demonstrate the purpose of the labs with my eyes blindfolded, well you don't need your eyes to find the purpose of the experiments... but I thought I'd say that. I at least know my chemistry. It is evident in the tests. Who knows... I might yet get pity points in my Chemistry class and pass. I doubt it. I'll likely get the F I deserve.
I'm not afraid to die.

But that's regular news. Nothing new. Its not like I have never failed a class before. I have failed many times. But I wasn't talking about classes there. I was talking about myself. I've failed myself thousands of times and I'm still alive.
It is almost irrelevant that I don't care if I go early.

Finals always puts me in this mood.
I just feel like the word infers some kind of end and I never think of ending learning. When finals are through I read books and research whatever random thing absorbed me at the tail end of my classes. I'm likely to research nuclear programs and metaphysics and Dawkins. Just to see...
But I have surgery to worry about for a few days of break.
I should really try to get back into video games... I think of suicide less when I think more of what character I'm going to choose and what approach I'm going to take.
But its nice to be in the world of the living.

Lots more options here.

stay beautiful

From my Frame

2011-12-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

I'm so cruel. I can't watch fat people without wondering how they ever got to be so fat. I wonder why they haven't tried to lose weight.
From my frame of reference losing weight is just about the point of living.

stay beautiful

Wanting to rename this blog

2011-12-04T21:40:00.000-08:00

Some updates.
More failures.
Audition lead to not making a spot. In fact I was asked what the point of auditioning was because I was so unimpressive. And I knew that would happen. But something in me told me it was worth trying for. I needed to try for something for my own sake...

I lost a considerable amount of weight. A grand total of 2 lbs.
Sad huh? Well... I hit the barrier; I climbed the fence into unhealthy practices. I got Anemic. Formal diagnosis. I actually got iron supplements as a prescription. Isn't that cool? I'm showing a symptom of the greater disease. My true metal self, along with the bones under the flesh, is starting to reveal itself.
I want to be diagnosed... But I don't even feel good enough for that.

I volunteered a long time ago to have my DNA registered for bone marrow donation. Turns out I'm a match for a 12 year old. A serious match. And even though I am Anemic I get to give my bone marrow. Exciting...
Want to know what one of my favorite parts about this is? I'll be losing a liter of bone marrow. That is a liter of weight gone for a while. I'll lose weight. Not the fat I want to lose... not the muscles that I could lose to look better in some places, but at least the number will go down.

What else is new?
Over this period of no updates I turned in my applications. I might just be declined for the places I applied to.
And when I've failed at that what do I do? Where do I turn? I've spent too much time already in community college, studying almost nothing. I've been taking all the wrong classes for the career path I want. But I don't care what I do with my career. I can do anything. I'm strong. I'm resourceful. I know how to make people happy.
Something else that changed... I only use one space after a period. I notice it.

I also want to rename this blog.
I don't know what to...

For 3 days I've eaten a regular diet. This disturbs me...
I went for weeks without a regular day. Maybe that is what I was spending all my time doing...
I might have gained a pound back.
I can feel my heart working harder... but I'm not getting anywhere.
At least there is the future to look forward to.
December 15th is the day I donate my bone marrow

stay beautiful

How to be a board member

2011-11-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

I returned from a 3 day trip today. Something about a reward for the service hours I've done... and everyone else on this 3 day retreat did. Some community service organization.
I wonder how this organization really does exist. Where does the money come from? What do the higher ups look like? What did it take to give all of us the cheering, feasting, workshoping weekend we had.
And it snowed.
In barely Northern California... snow is a big deal. I live about 4 hours away from the retreat. Others present lived 12 hours away. In the same state. California is big...

Snow isn't as cold as I remember it being. Maybe it was just that place, but the snow there fell like powdered sugar. The snowflakes would catch in the hair of all the girls and for a full second before it melted you could see its exact shape; every unique crystallization.
There was so much beauty there.

And yet... it does nothing to heal me. It just makes the two things always on my mind move closer to the front.
I need to work harder.
I need to get thinner.

I felt as if I didn't deserve to meet all the people I saw there. Too many happy people.
Too many people on the way to success... I don't see how I get to stay in the same place as them. I feel humiliated when I think about what I am and where I come from.

Low GPA
Community College
struggling at that...
Working a job that was practically handed to me.
And still so poor I'd die if I weren't still under the roof of my parents.

I haven't run in a while.
I liked how in the past I could at least say to myself that I know I can run. At least I can run.
Now all I can say is that I used to be able to run; that isn't good enough.

So... I'm no longer good enough.
I need to progress.

stay beautiful

Fool

2011-10-31T07:05:00.001-07:00

I looked at my written diary- written a few years ago. 2007-2008.
Its not the best way to get to know me.
At all

stay beautiful

I just noticed you

2011-10-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

No one is here to take your call

I'm so sorry people...
I missed a call during my chemistry class today. It probably has something to do with the lab that I couldn't do yesterday. It might have something to do with the new appointment I have that is now 3 hours from where I live. I hope that is a joke.
Supposedly a 12 year old boy needs my bone marrow soon.

But this isn't my top priority is it?
NO.
There is no such thing as a priority.
We invent priorities.
School is not more important than fun. That paper is not more important than a night of sleep. We determine it is because we are afraid of what happens when we fail assignments and fail classes. Dropping school can be a wonderful thing. I'm not doing it because school is a state of comfort for me. Its an environment filled with learning; something I thrive with and suffer without. I like school. I don't need it. I mostly like school because I can socialize; or hope to socialize with people. People ask me scholarly questions. Things they won't say in layman life. People will understand the context of whatever I'm saying; be it proteins, lipids, carbohydrates in organic chemistry and nutrition and biology. I go to school to seek acceptance from people.
Without school I feel people don't want to know me.
They think I'm too smart.
Too thin.

You know what I am?
Too alone

and that is why I seek out you

I can't really get along with anyone. I can talk to anyone. I can say hi, but its meaningless words. I tend to point that out because I want to get to the point where we talk about something real. I tend to forget people care about small talk. Or I tend to not care about it myself and I'm confounded as to why others care about it at all.
I need someone I can rant to. Someone that can reply.
NO.
I don't need anyone.
I can suffer alone.

If I want the suffering to go away
I need someone that can help me

I want to do something to this world.
Regardless of whether or not I get help I want to help other people.

I don't hate you.
I just wish you cared about me like I care about you

stay beautiful
stay beautiful

Yesterday to today

2011-10-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I noticed all my pants are bigger on me than they have ever been in the past.
Today I managed to eat more in just 1 meal than I have in entire days for a few weeks.
It really wasn't that much... and all of it was healthy.

The main point is... I've been having a successful diet and today something happened to change that. Actually it wasn't even today that did it. Saturday I ate 2 cookies; the most sugar I had consumed in months. I'm going to preach this forever... sugar makes you eat.
When I eat things high in fat combined with things balanced in protein and carbohydrates I feel fine. I'm not hungry unless I've gone an inexcusable amount of time without food. Exercise of course helps.
Sugar screws up everything. Its an addiction. Eat something with high sugar and wait for an hour, you'll want more sugar. Its because the sugar spike went away and your body is telling you "hey, that was great! Lets do it again!"
Deprive your body of that high and it won't tell you to eat 24 times a day.
Only the 4-8 times you should eat.

Sounds like a lot... but its really not.

This doesn't explain why the cats are always hungry... its not like we give them brownies.
Oh well.
Its not like I have actual scientific data to back up my claims.
One of these days I might.

I've been busy
school
up the butt
school up the butt
and that is all that has been going up my butt.

I don't hate school, but I could use a break.

maybe a day off work will help.

stay beautiful

Machine without a dream

2011-10-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

Looking in the mirror he thought to himself: boy do you look chubby.

It was so difficult to run today. I didn't run far or fast. Just on a full stomach and after a period of laziness where I seem to only run once a week. That should change. If I can run tomorrow. I'm not sore. So I should be able to.

What else matters besides beauty?
Only beautiful things make me happy.

I had a bit of anxiety at work. No one but me would know.
Reading a few pages at a time.
Playing pokemon.
Showing up to class. Not doing all the work. I don't want to do all the work.
Existentialism is a humanism (by Sartre) is interesting to me. I hope I finish it. Halfway. Still.

Repeating.

I am nothing more than what I realize. With my actions.
Act.
or else you are not.

I can say I have an eating disorder. I might in my mind. But in reality... I do not have the severe gauntness associated with eating disorders or the self image anxiety that ED patients display. Nope. I'm obsessed with food and beauty and exercise.
Nothing unusual.

I'm missing a purpose

Stay beautiful

Respite

2011-10-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

It was like I woke up. After 2 hours of doing dishes the fog lifted and I was okay with it. I wasn't scared of being free for once.

It might have been all the food I consumed at the party the night before. It could have been that I didn't feel lonely for some reason. It could have been the dishes.

I might have tangible hope because I've made a friend. Female. Fun. Thin. Innocent.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But I can tell you that if her innocence is lost at all... It will be her decision. I facilitate... sometimes. I really don't know what I am until I do something.

I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray again.
Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre for Philosophy. I like it. Got halfway through. I'm hoping to get to the end. Sartre is supposed to explain why we feel loneliness and sexual desire in terms of Existentialism in either this or his book about Nothing. If I don't see it in this book I'll have to read the other one. I need to know more.

I've never made coffee before. I tried this morning. Failed.
Tea be easy.

I might have a compromised immune system. I went to sleep at 3am today and woke up at 8am. I did hours of chores and spent time with people. I should be tired, but I'm not.

We'll see if this is my respite.
Or if its just the top of the mountain before I tumble down.
Maybe I'm going uphill but don't notice anymore. I've tried so hard leading up to this day.

And its not important anyways

stay beautiful

Tree in my head

2011-10-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

I desperately posted something on PT about my mind hurting. I've had a lot of that lately.

Today I had breakfast, three apples, dinner, and 2 glasses of milk.
So weak.
SUCH A ROTTEN PIG.
I looked so lustfully at that zucchini chocolate snack cake. I've had 1 piece in the whole week since my mother made it. It was so good. But I can't... its giving in. I can do anything but give in.

never eat what you are craving.
\

I'm part of a nutrition club on campus. Officially I'm the treasurer. Thursday I have to cook lentils for a healthy food fundraiser we are doing. I'd like to claim credit for inventing it... it was my idea. But everyone else did the organizing for it.
I'm a useless bag of...
of lentils.
Smelly lentils.

My life got unorganized.

Yesterday night I tried to go for a run. I must have eaten something expired... I had such terrible diarrhea its a good thing I turned back after a mile because I forgot to bring my DS. TMI
so what.

I need to do homework, but the fact of the matter is I'm finding it hard to think. Something about being light headed. Not enough glucose for my brain? I'm learning about this in nutrition. I should have enough glucose... 3 apples.
The space behind my eyes feels occupied. By an unthinking tree. It isn't quite me. And so its hard to think. I'm bumping and twisting trying to maneuver the roots.

stay beautiful

eh

2011-09-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Now I'm light headed.
Didn't take much to change that.

stay beautiful

Unattached and forgotten

2011-09-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm forgotten. Wonderful.

When I was a child I used to get punished a lot. I'd be put on time out a heck of a lot. Sometimes when i was on time out I would be forgotten. It got me into a paranoia... every time I'd be put on time out I'd be so scared they would forget me I'd keep telling myself to ask how much longer I was supposed to be disappeared for. I can't trust people to remember me, no matter how great an impression I make. Not after a childhood of that.

And what do i think when I forget people? I find it harder to forget when someone is trying to talk to me. But I still make mistakes. Genuine mistakes I hope... I can't tell the difference between a genuine mistake and another mistake. They look the same from the outside.

Recovered. Damn.
I was on track, and now I'm not. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wasn't hungry. Well i ate more, just a little more. I felt so hungry I couldn't take it so I ate some more. And that took away the hunger... the constant dizzy hunger I was getting used to. This translated over a few meals, a few days, and now I'm recovered... sort of. Not in the mind, just not in the habit anymore.
I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time. My boss bought me dark chocolates. I can't eat them. I might be at a month without chocolate... I could go so much longer! What if I go a year without chocolate? Think of all the empty calories I'm cutting out.
Seriously... no food is worth the body I want. I'm willing to die for it.

I wonder if there is a cure. I'm willing to live healthy enough to never fast a whole day... well I will one day, but I haven't yet. And I eat enough to live. I'm positive I'm getting the nutrients and calories I need for life. Its the days where I get just enough of everything, but then take a run that I lose weight. I must be doing this right... Is there any reason to take away the habits? The guilt that I use to keep on track? The willpower it takes to say no so many times to myself... so many times I could cry about it. But I'd rather die than give up.
Can't anyone understand?

I have daydreams about cutting myself. I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain but I want to experience it again. I'm itching... I might forget the hunger for a second. I might learn something about fighting through pain... if I can beat pain then I can run on my foot when it bothers me.
I think that is where I lost it. My foot started to hurt more often. I stopped running to recover it. I ate the same with much less exercise. I'm hungry right now. But I've eaten more than enough.

I think... I typed about food because I don't want to think about anything else.
Nope
rest of my life today will be a secret.

stay beautiful

Losing weight/myphysicalself

2011-09-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

I've never been so... on track.

I could say I'm tired but I don't know how true that is. I can somehow still run for miles and miles even though I barely have enough energy to feel. Serious. Sometimes I can see my hands touching, but I can't feel what I'm touching. Instead I get the sensation of blood sloshing in my arms or something, like my body is so weak that the blood accidentally flows the wrong way sometimes. I know this isn't true, if I can run for miles I still have a strong heart.
But it might be all I have.
I'm so weak... I plank for 2 minutes and almost pass out. I saw the ground 1 millimeter from my face, but I was higher than that... it was just my vision spinning. Whenever I close my eyes I feel myself spinning. I like to imagine I'm just more perceptive and feel the rotation of the Earth.

Descartes is full of crap.
Serious... He was blinded by his opinion that God existed. It caused him to make a mistake in the First and Second meditations... well mostly second. "I am precisely and only a thing that thinks"
WRONG
You might not know what I'm talking about...
But Descartes is brilliant. He knew a lot about how little people can be certain of. He begins first meditations by saying he has assumed a lot of things in his life and should stop that. Eventually it crosses his mind that he might be dreaming, and that his body isn't real, its just a piece of the dream. He tries to somehow prove he is awake, but it seems no matter what he thinks he could just be dreaming. Even his mathematics, 2+3=5 might be fictions that he made up in a dream. He doubts everything... and eventually he finds one thing he can't deny.
He says he must exist. Because, if he were to doubt his existience, it would require HIM existing. Brilliant.
But he didn't know exactly what he was if he couldn't be certain his body was real. Even though he knew HE existed, he could just be a ghostly imagination making everything material around him up. His body could still be part of some dream or deception. So he goes from here to ASSUME he is nothing but a thing that thinks.
Full of crap.
Because I'm more than a thing that thinks.
I am a brain. Yes, it takes a physical brain in order to think. If you removed a chunk of my brain essential for moving my hands then I would never be able to move my hands, thus never think those hand moving thoughts. If you took out the piece of my brain that helped me store memories I'd never make new memories. I need it to think. I am not only a thing that thinks, I am a PHYSICAL thing that thinks. You see, with Descartes' assumption and his declaration that you can never be certain your body is real he invented a dualist universe, where spirits and bodies coexisted. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SPIRIT.
Sorry if you believed before.

I'm obsessive. More than ever.
I'm lonely.

So lonely...
And dizzy.

I've been eating...
but I've never been so
on track

stay beautiful

Shallow ended

2011-09-17T09:49:00.001-07:00

I imagine myself a puddle of water. My deepest thoughts are stagnant against the ground, and there is so much more to the surface, but that can so easily be disturbed. One rough wind and everything changes.
When the water calms again I imagine myself as a puddle of water.
Nothing more than a puddle of water

stay beautiful

Nothing makes a difference

2011-09-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Its harder to think all the time now. I've been on a restricted diet for a long time now. I'm down to 140lbs again. If I keep this up I might hit a new November low.
I stopped practicing my instrument. I stopped doing the schoolwork the day before it is due. I haven't done a run in a long time, BUT I have been eating less.

Enough of a difference to make a difference.
I'm tired all the time. I can feel my body eating itself. I feel weaker and thinner. The abs are always visible... but its only because I've lost almost everything that could have covered them before.

And yet... i don't feel accomplished enough. I need to go further and lose more weight. If I skipped dinner entirely, instead of eating one slice of pizza... How much thinner could I be? Its one of the few things I've eaten today and in retrospect I'm sad I had to give in.
I've lost my brain. The only terms I can use are the simple ones.
Tomorrow I wake up early, I have school for 6 hours, an hour break, and then work for 3 hours. I plan to be so exhausted after those that all I will want to do is sleep, but I'll munch down some dinner, take a run; hoping to burn it all away, and then sleep to wake up to almost an identical schedule.

Enough days of this and I'll be thin.

Oh... and something else.
I really want to take a picture of someone that I know on facebook and get a printout of it to put on my wall. I want to see her sexy face and sexy legs in my room.
But... even this won't make me happy.

stay beautiful

Goldfish

2011-09-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

I did an 11 mile run today.

Its so difficult to admit when I've accomplished something. The slightest slip of the tongue will give me a headache. Sometimes I think I'm order bound.
Its this condition from the books I read where a character can't tell lies without the order inside of him or her causing feedback. Everything stable has order. Iron has order, water has order, air probably very thin order. And then there is chaos, which is basically destruction. Chaos is almost always fire.

I didn't run the whole thing. I might have been able to. My final time was less than an hour and a half. My friend did the run with me and was around 5 minutes behind me in the end. Another friend rode a scooter... I was right behind him almost the whole time.
I got home with these two friends where we celebrated with a glass of chocolate milk. Then we went out for some sort of ice cream dumplings at Trader Joes; I had 2. I volunteered to walk home because it would make the rideshare easier. Still... I shouldn't have had 2. It wasn't even half the size of my palm. I shouldn't be upset

I cried today.
I read about the life of someone who has suffered more than I ever will. She has Dissociative Identity Disorder because of the memories she had to erase, and after reading I curled up into a ball and imagined what I would do if I met her. I want to find her. I'll admit I've been searching for her, and I'd provide her with a place to stay. I was thinking what it would be like to hug her but my mind kept making me push her away after the imagined embrace. I couldn't risk hurting her... So although we would hug I would always pull back like something stabbed me. I'd let her run away, except I'd follow her. And when she can't run anymore I'll say "let's start walking home" and then I'll hand her a water bottle. I'll show her what I do... where I work out to the closest I've been to oblivion and then I refresh the life with a little bit of sugar. Maybe some chocolate milk. And my favorite part of the dream was that if she wanted to give back to me I was able to invent the perfect gift. I had a room with white walls and a hardwood floor and in this room were canvases and brushes and trays for paint, but no paint. Instead... there were razors.

I have pictures given to me by my ex-girlfriend of whatever she was feeling at the moment. They are all painted with her blood. I requested once she draw a goldfish for me, and she drew a dead smiling goldfish with bubbles coming out of its mouth saying...

stay beautiful

Pas de deux

2011-07-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

Dancing with someone,
forgetting.
Smiling isn't really possible at the moment

Crying makes my head hurt

I don't mind
What's on your mind?

Why do people not talk about themselves; what do they have to hide? The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Yet a lot of people would rather be invisible. They disagree.
Being born a human supplies me with certain tendencies. I tend to feel social. Like I need communication to be alive, but I know this to be a lie- I've gone a few days without talking and survived well enough. It was hard to not be able to express thanks to people when they did favors for me, but overall I was relieved because I didn't have to argue or assert myself when I was silent. I endured and suffered.
So it makes me question where the social instinct came from and what use it has. Is this social instinct just another mechanism of the body to assist in finding a mate? It matters that much? I wonder how mindless I am as a human being.

I stared off into space for a good time. I wouldn't recommend it, but I wouldn't tell you not to do it.
I remember when I was younger I used to spend time doing nothing. I still spend time doing nothing, but sometimes when I'm doing nothing I'm planning out the next day in my head or throwing things away or otherwise using my hands to rearrange things. Sometimes music plays in the background. But its still nothing. Not the same nothing anymore...
I'm not going to be worth reading tonight.

I read the previous post. I'm a little disappointed. It looks like I wrote that while I was 15. The year I still didn't know the thoughts in my head. Now I know, I don't want to admit, and I tell anyways. And I lie... I lie a lot. But my mind is full of contradictions.
I think you can blame the truth for all my lies.
Why does the truth change?

I used to lay down and tell myself I was doing nothing, then I'd stop telling myself that or anything else and I wouldn't plan anything. I'd daydream, but never in sentences... nothing in language, and I'd forget all of it. So I used to be pretty good at doing nothing. It seems I've lost that talent because I hit the end of my day and before I close my eyes because the numbers of the clock are too high I look back and see I've had to spend every minute working for something.
Maybe not...
Maybe I do a whole lot of nothing...

I really want to take a walk for a day. I want to wake up and walk something like 30 miles because that would be so easy and that is all I want to do.
I think I'd lose weight if I did that for every day for a week.

I don't see any future

And even though the same words had been echoing in my head my whole life and I felt like she knew exactly what I was feeling I still felt misunderstood, mislead and lost.
I don't know what I look forward to anymore.

stay beautiful

Divided tracks

2011-07-17T00:39:00.000-07:00

Tracking
–verb (used with object)

21.

to follow or pursue the track, traces, or footprints of.

22.

to follow (a track, course, etc.).

23.

to make one's way through; traverse.

We do an exercise in Drum corps called tracking, and basically it is playing a chunk of the show while marching straight ahead. Compared to my personal drill movement and step size and all... tracking covers more distance and can be repeated more than any show chunk run from the performing positions. Yet the one time we tracked it didn't hurt enough... I just wasn't exhausted. It takes too much to wear me down now that I have conditioned my heart to handle the cardio and my legs to move my weight and the arms to carry the tuba. If I touch my arms or pectorals it feels like I have nothing but muscle... not an ounce of fat... or so it feels. Yet my stomach still protrudes farther than my hips and my legs jiggle with every step. I still have work to do, but I don't think I can solve the imperfections with exercise. I think I need to starve the last bits of weight out.

Which brings me to a dilemma. Do I give up what I have and go through the haze just to feel weak again but have the appearance I want for a short duration? Is it worth the possibility that someone will figure out how serious the damage on the inside is and maybe I could lose everything because I will get locked up or sent away to be cured? Is it even worth the sacrifices? Worth not being able to think straight or walk correctly or listen to directions and perform like I should? I don't want to be the weakest person out there or the dumbest person just because I have trouble accepting the way I am.

I don't know.

Some members got sick. I think I was introduced to the same bug they were, as I had terrible gas (worse than usual, I confess I'm guilty of constant farts during practice) and was on the verge of throwing up for no reason. But I decided I wasn't going to get sick because they quarantine the sick people and I don't want to be pulled out of participating. So I ate.

When i feel I'm about to get sick I eat... I eat foods I like and things that will help me fight disease and then I wash my hands a lot. I've washed my hands well over 10 times today. The soap at home, as I just got home tonight, is a blue soap that says "dancing waters" on it. I find it poetic. Something pretty to dream about.

I lost my phone. For the first time ever.

I played a solo tonight in front of an audience.

I performed.

I rehearsed.

I didn't have time for sunscreen.

I've been working harder than before, living off less (except for when I felt I was getting sick) and giving more.

More emotion...

More of myself.

I've been smiling a lot.

But I'm not even close to content. I'm pleasant. I'm distracted. I feel healthy enough. I have energy. I even have something to do for now: providing me a temporary sense of purpose. But I'm missing the one thing I really want: a companion.

And I've been trying to make friends... but I feel like the people I want to meet are closing me off. I know I can't be understood because... because... I don't think life is important.

So I question everything.

I don't know... why is everything the way it is?

...

I'm going to sleep. I don't have much else that I want to say out loud. I'm surprised that anyone wants to hear me. I don't know who I am and I don't want to know who I am. I don't care who I am. I don't mind if I get hurt or live or die. I've spent a lot of my time thinking... and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

One of the instructors said something interesting.

He told us a story about a Zen master who realized something in a rainstorm.

While traveling under the eaves of the trees I got wet and was astonished. And by taking the clear road I was also soaked by the same shower.

Either way one will get wet. By the careful path where we attempt to shelter ourselves the troubles and cold and whatever else we are trying to avoid will still reach you. Or... you can take the straightest path you can regardless of the protections it gives and just hope you're strong enough to weather out the water.

I'm pretty sure that even though this is difficult and it hurts that I'm strong enough to make it the way I am going.

But maybe I want to alter my path.

I mean... what does it change?

stay beautiful

Searching dark waters

2011-07-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

I have this trick that I use when I feel anxiety.

I don't think.
I don't even try to feel.
I send out my perception and try to change the world around me without doing anything. Its different every time, but I've tried to turn the sun into a ball of darkness or change the people around me to stone or make the room I'm standing in empty so that no one has to see me fail. Well... I do this without thinking. I guess I dream when I feel anxiety and it pushes it away. I tell myself that I can't feel it now and that I'll have time to feel it later.

The problem is... I never do feel it later.

Later...
I end up feeling like this.

And I don't even know what you call this.

I should have spent all day preparing... I'm about to close this netbook and take it with me, but I won't have internet to communicate with you.
I'll miss you.
Yeah... you: nothing.
nothing at all
nothing important

I've been trying to dream of someone to replace the loneliness with and I wake up with a forgotten memory. I think all I have been getting is blackness.

I did a run today. My legs got heavy before I even started. My blood sugar tanked too so I was sweating the kind of sweat you get when you're afraid, but I told myself that I didn't have time to faint and that I had enough energy to do it. I got out there and ended up running the whole time because I wasn't going to let any of the people driving by see me walk. I didn't feel anything then but my dehydration and the weight in my legs.
If I try too hard to remember I feel a shadow of the fear I could have felt, and while that shadow almost brings me to tears its a current compared to a storm of raging water. I have focused sadness.

And maybe that is what this feeling is.
Focused
depression

stay beautiful

Again

2011-07-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

I've come back because you wanted me to but I'm living the same life. In a day I will be far away from a computer, and although I'll return to this room I've lived in my whole life for a while... I'll be sent away again. Drum corps. The usual story.
I got injured once and it got me thinking about defining what pain is. Its something like your body telling you that you can't do something. Pain is a sensational refusal of the terms you are in. My body tells me I'm not supposed to put knives under my skin or stop eating or introduce bruises wherever I please. And it made me want to break the barrier and outright refuse the pain my body gives me. I want to be free.

One day I might test the limits too far and die. Dying will be painful... but dying isn't part of pain. Do you understand? When you feel pain it isn't a piece of you dying... its the scream of mercy you get before a death. Death is just destruction... If you aren't separated or broken or rearranged in any way then you aren't dead.
I don't follow my own logic here... I'll stop trying to explain.

What else happened?
The world got hot and then the world got cold. I can live in heat even though I threw up a few times when it was over 100 degrees. I've also been tracking my distance in rehearsal. Usual rehearsal days are 10 miles and the usual show days are 5 miles. Most of this distance is done while carrying the tuba... but I can't say I find the extra 20 pounds of metal to be so difficult anymore because I've gained a little weight. I'm still under 150lbs, but now I have more strength. I was told by someone my body fat percentage is probably around 4%. Its a lie. I know it has to be somewhere around 12%. People don't live at 4% body weight... well... I used to be there... I'm sure of it.
I wish it were that easy to lose weight. But its so hard...

I obsess over food. I even confessed to someone that I was hoarding food, that i dream about it, that I think about it all the time, that I'm hungry even while I am eating... I can't escape it. I think I'm hopeless.

So what else am I doing?
Today I slept for 8 hours... the longest I have slept in a few weeks. And the less I sleep the more I tend to eat. So for the past few days I've been out of control, but for today I've proportioned the food well enough.
I got new shoes... I need to protect my feet and joints. I hope to run more or something extra because what I'm doing isn't good enough.
Oh... and I spent time with my sister. She did a lot of things to me that I have done to other people. She plugged herself in when she felt weak, she attacked objects, she laughed when she was angry and she grabbed my arm and held it (well... I don't really do that last one). I'm starting to wonder if the behaviors run in the family... and why my parents have never had maniac episodes. Maybe my sister and I are some kind of mixture that created a new phenomenon. Or maybe I caused this to her.
I control myself all the time. Even my explosions are muffled or in places no one else can see me.

I said today that happiness is in your own hands. I never knew I was such a liar.

Hi.
I'm alive.
But I don't
care for it all that much

stay beautiful

2011-05-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

If you are waiting for me to talk to you. Then NO.

He isn't available right now. He's sitting in one place exploring a world that doesn't exist and destroying the house that he imagined. His memories are cluttered on the floor. Cluttered like his floor. His face hurts, but its the fatal blow of an ugly stick... something he has always lived with. Its nothing more than another night.

Echo.

So... do what he does. Talk to yourself. You'll find that keeping yourself company... is as bad as him being the only company he has.

stay beautiful

Don't be calm

2011-05-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

He talked in third person to her. He didn't try to make sense. The clearest words from his mouth were "I'm not going to argue with you. It is only the intellectually lost who argue."
Little did she know... he didn't say anything the whole time. He was a book.

Then I looked her in the eye and said that I was perfectly sane and she could trust me. I was doing things with my life and working hard to be a good person. I told her my day had been good.

And she said it was scarier that I said that so calmly than anything else I had done.

But I know how I was acting. I was playing games. Beautiful games.

I'm lonely.
And for some reason that matters so much to me that I find it hard to think.

I'll try to be intelligent some other time okay?

Thank you readers... the number count always changing when i go to my blog helps. pageviews... I need to remember these words. They are so simple...
Perspicacity: some kind of insight. Something smart to be said or done.

Oh, I was at a Relay for Life. The one I was supposed to Logistics for. I set up for a lot of the event. And... I was one of the few volunteers. I led people that were not volunteers into helping. And when the event started I felt so void and so much anxiety I had to go. I couldn't stay. People are walking right now... but I'm home because I was scared of something. Or maybe it was the crying...
I couldn't take it anymore.
I did not belong.

stay beautiful

Chocolate chip

2011-05-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

Have I been too busy to post?
Too tired maybe?
I don't know... maybe I've been using up my words talking to other people.

Right now I am in a pit. So sad that I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to sleep now. But I don't think I reasonably can. And tomorrow... tomorrow I might not sleep at all.
I'm ready to do something drastic tomorrow.
All for... Something that no one will see.

I wish I was like you and I had the courage to put the wounds in my mind on paper or skin. You... my listeners. Perhaps some day I will be one of those people in the audience when it comes to this blog.

Sometimes I think of curses, the kind of magic you don't want to play with. I think of what it would be like to lose a limb or have my voice taken from me or to be magically rendered deaf or blind or strange. I find myself hoping a curse will fall on me and I'll have something taken away.
Right now I'm been thinking... well I just forgot, but I'll sit here until I remember. What if I was cursed with another personality? What if I was cursed with DID?
But I'm not thinking what if. I'm thinking "why can't this happen to me?" Because I want to be sick. I want to be so insane that you people can't help me. I don't like the advice people give me; it won't save me from being lonely. My problem is I am lonely. There is no 'help' found in a pill for this. Its sensation that can solve me. The way to cure the soul is through the senses...
Perhaps I've been reading too much into The Picture of Dorian Gray. I've been quoting it like I'm mad. But I want to be mad...
At this point I'm hoping to develop a distinction between the part of me that says all these interesting things and the part of me that is conscious. Maybe alcohol will solve all my problems. But it is not drink I crave.

Its beauty. I want something beautiful so bad that I feel the absence of it every second of my life. I want something to die for! Something for me to look at and work to have in my hands and to touch... it is only the beautiful things that are worth touching.
Again... a direct quote from Henry Watton without attribution (until now). I'm becoming him. A story book character, but the most brilliant character I believe in.

More than I want to believe in myself.

stay beautiful

Third again

2011-05-11T01:07:00.000-07:00

He doesn't feel well. Can't sleep. Its too hard to work on school. Why do I do this he asked himself in his head. But there weren't any other voices to reply but his own. He didn't know what to say. Why did it all matter? Where did it lead?
How much longer was the night going to be?
Words words words. He typed more and more.
Always thinking... what is the use of these words.

What do points matter so much for anyways? Isn't there another way?

stay beautiful

To protect humans

2011-05-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

Confessions:
I gained a friend a while ago and found a clip where a pornstar looks like her. I'm facinated, usually I delete these things right after seeing them, but not this one.
Oh, and I watch porn. Its not the same as other people. I think about what is going on in me and what is going on in the actors. I can sense discomfort if there is any.
I visit Craigslist daily. I look in the personals. I'm trying to find someone lonely, local, and lunatic. Someone I'd get along with. I fear reading the posts written by laymen and laywomen are denting my intelligence. I really want to stop, but its a habit now. I literally have checked almost every day for a year at least.

That is all for now.

Now...
What a strange word. In sign language the sign for now is the same sign for Today. The word pretty much means the present. This moment. The moment the word is said.

I'm leaving this topic. Trying to arrive somewhere by talking about something else.
Now, when I think about what I've accomplished today I feel like I've done quite a bit. But when I try to determine how I feel right now I predominately think bloated stomach. I wish I could have more time to deal with this issue.
I'm afraid that a friend has brought to light how multitasking can cause one to be fat. With so much diffusion of focus meals can be excessive. And everyone knows if you eat more than you can use you get fat. Multi tasking doesn't just diffuse focus, but diffuses energy; the amount of energy focused on one task is lessened because another task is piggy-backing off the other. For instance, today I played Super Smash Brothers Brawl Minus while doing push-ups between rounds. Smash Brothers Minus is an exciting game for me, it can elevate my heart rate, and the push-ups provide a workout; a good one today because I achieved 1000 push-ups in repetitions of 40 or 30. The point: the calories burned playing the game, while few, overlapped with the calories burned doing push-ups. Its the same thing if you try to dance to music while cleaning or watch television while cooking. You're not burning as much as if you did both separately.
So this goes back to now because it makes me think of what does now mean. Now means the one thing going on at the moment. If that one thing is two things, then its not quite the same now...
I wonder what we call it then.

And this is completely unrelated
But I have no clue what is going on in my mind at the moment.

I wonder what is happening right
now

stay beautiful

California Finest

2011-05-07T09:14:00.001-07:00

I find it funny that on Earth day I was asked to make a pledge to do something for preserving resources and the first thing that crossed my mind was to write "I will take less showers."
Most of the people wrote anything for the pledge, got a free pin, and forgot about it forever.
I didn't even write what I was thinking, did not take my complimentary pin, and its been about 5 days since I showered. I've skipped a lot of showers since Earth day and its because when it crosses my mind to shower I think about how much of a waste of water I am.
When I do shower now its significantly shorter than it was before.

I don't say I'll do something and not do it.

stay beautiful

Butter your life

2011-05-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

I ate chocolate chips. Bread. About 10 cookies. Dinner, Lunch, breakfast, strawberries... so much.

I feel sick from eating so much. And worse... i feel like I'm going to get fat. And worse I haven't finished the essay due tomorrow. And its getting late. It is late. Its going to be a long night.

I just want to lay down and listen to Seahorse by Johnathan Coulton. I'm in one of those moods. I feel alone, useless, fat, unwanted, unwonted. The usual.

I have sugar headaches when I eat this much unhealthy food. I don't really call them headaches because its so much weaker than the physical pain I put myself through with exercise or the lightheadedness I get from not eating enough. Its nothing.

I need to write 3 essays and I'll have all the time in the world to mess myself up and write all I want and do things I actually want to. Right now some part of me said I needed the bread to do this.

stay beautiful

Anomoly

2011-05-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

So instead of talking to myself with the word I... I will be using second person to describe what I feel. I'm about to talk to myself like I'm someone else.

You could have been at school this morning instead of in your room. Either way I doubt you would learn anything. But you should go to school because its what you are supposed to do.
I've noticed you got a little sunburned. Why are you letting this happen to you? You could get sick... Don't you feel a little light headed? Most people would complain that their sunburn hurts, you seem to lay around and do nothing. You eat more, sniffle more, and lay down waiting for your skin to peel.

Now I'm going to do what I usually do.

I feel like the same person today that I was years ago. I can't remember being any smarter in 5th grade than I am now... maybe I'm deceiving myself because I know I can't remember anything from 5th grade. But I feel static. I don't change, my day does and I have to live with what it gives me. I don't see anything changing. Maybe that is why I feel so trapped...

Today is the best day to work through the pain... But its so strange to see myself sitting here. I feel like I've burnt out and that life was too short.
I'll find something else to do.

What is

2011-04-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

Homestart?

Just another volunteer organization I want to help out. I want to work every second of my day. You know... if I didn't eat so much I'd feel good about myself and I wouldn't have to try to do this to feel useful. But even with trying to help I feel useless because to tell the truth I haven't done anything yet. I still need to give.
I don't know where I put my library volunteer nametag.
My work is having me do office work for them. I call people and pretend I have official business and know their accounts when I don't know anything but their name and phone number. Then I ask for their credit card information and write it down on paper. I leave it on the counter when I close.

Propitious: favorable situation or person. Like propitious weather.

–adjective

presenting favorable conditions; favorable: propitious weather.

indicative of favor; auspicious: propitious omens.

favorably inclined; disposed to bestow favors or forgive: propitious gods.

Close enough?

I don't know...

I don't think I'll ever be good enough for me.

Propitious used Scald.

I like my Propitious... its a Swan Pokemon. So beautiful... It makes me wish I knew someone that was swan-like in beauty... I don't really like animals: I scare them too much. I'd love animals if they didn't have to be afraid of me. But all of you have something to be afraid of.

I was considering dying my hair this summer. I was thinking neon pink or neon blue or rainbow. But I wanted to let someone else decide for me. Who knows... I might post pictures when I do it.

I also want to kill myself symbolically. I want to walk into a street with active traffic. Travel off the path. Climb up buildings and lean over the edge. I want to open my skin in front of people and introduce myself as Goldfish to someone. I want to know what it feels like to be a ghost...

Ghosts don't eat.

I'm no good at that.

I guess I'll stay where I am.

Hoping to die someday...

stay beautiful

You're right

2011-04-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

I had trouble waking up this morning? So what... I just started my day later by 30 minutes more than I wanted. I did some things like pull out the Tuba and hold it out in front of me just long enough to make it hurt a little. I have to do more.
I've done a few songs worth of ab workouts. I'll feel pathetic if I count what I can do. I'm strong. Don't doubt. But I consider myself less than I am.
I should have skipped dinner last night. It would have been so easy. My mind wasn't in the right place.

I at least played some mad volleyball for a few hours. Not good enough. NEVER good enough.
I need to quantify what I do.
I buy a starbucks every Friday morning because I play pokemon with my best friend. Downgrade the size to Tall; Grande is way too big.

I have a 7 hour shift at work today with no lunch break. Its illegal, but I told my boss I don't need a lunch. I don't need a lunch break. I'll eat 2 fuji apples. I can live off apples and water. I could live off air.
I want to eat a little.
But I need to keep the prize on my mind.

"Anger never comes without a reason, but it seldom comes with a good one."
-Benjamin Franlkin

Stay beautiful

For those confused

2011-04-21T14:35:00.001-07:00

I've been considering how useless I am.

All the help I do can be done by someone else.
Mostly these thoughts come up because I've been used to rejection. I really don't know what about me isn't good enough, but its apparent I'm not what anyone wants. No one wants me.

So I've been trying to fall back on my quotes. A little sincerity can be dangerous, a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
And people don't get it. They don't understand any of them...
Its so relevant when i say "a richer people could give more, but they would never give as much"
Because I think of how much I give. How little money I have, but how I give to charity when it comes up to my face and asks for it. How I volunteer time because I have no money to spare... I have uses for that money. Why is money so important anyways?
I think of suicide. How much money would I give away if I knew i was going to kill myself. Would I still hang on to what I have if I knew I was going to lose it? I have no idea. I think of what would happen if someone actually DID steal my wallet when I leave it in my car, or if they went into my room and destroyed everything I own just because I forgot to lock the door. I wonder why people warn me about these things when they never happen.
Maybe it is true... A little sincerity can be dangerous but a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Because all these warnings are killing me.

Making me think of how much I have to lose.

And when I think about it.
I don't care if I lose it all
because I'm not worth anything in the first place

stay beautiful

Trophy Cake

2011-04-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

How blind can you be don't you see?

I don't know how I can LIKE myself. Where did I ever get the idea that I was strong or that I had a six pack? I DON'T have a six pack. I'm in the process of working on one. I shouldn't even want one. I want to lose weight. I don't care if I lose weight. I want to fit into a size zero; or whatever size is the lowest possible for my bone structure. I will not be less! But dammit I already am less.
I'd like to tear my hair out, but its too short to tear. I'd like to cut my skin open, but it requires something sharp, it requires making marks. Something I can't bring myself to do. I'd like if someone else did it for me. What if it hurts... oh well, its pain that I deserve right now. Where did I ever get the idea that I was good enough?

I'm sorry.
Forgive me!

How can I ever forgive myself? How can I ever rationalize being taken advantage of? How will I ever tell the next person that cares for me- AGAINST ALL REASON because I'm a waste of effort.
Right now
Wasting effort.

When did I ever proclaim myself an artist? I have nothing to show and yet I feel as though I belong to some artist guild. How did I ever deceive myself into believing I was ever part of anything?

Why can't I just take an eraser and rub it all away?

NO.
I don't need your rationalizations.
I need willpower.
Are you rationalizations going to give me willpower?
The MEANS have BECOME the ENDS if you try to rationalize me. You rationalize me to rationalize, not to cure me. Look at the water before you try to walk across it. Build a bridge first. Do NOT try to walk on water.
I'm not a dog. Not everything you say to me will fix me.

stay beautiful

Poet Pendulum

2011-04-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Oceans within.
I wonder if that describes my thought pattern. Big, mostly empty expanse. Water like sand, more endless than the desert. Something cold and always moving. Dangerous. Hiding predators in the great darkness at the bottom.

What am I?

I have lied to a girl. I'm trying to build a staircase to heaven on nothing but feelings. Those thoughts you feel for a second and then they are gone. I wonder if the ground I stand on will disappear. And then I wonder where it is I will fall...
I wonder if an ocean of water will be there to catch me or if there really is nothing else after this.

You never really get over thoughts of suicide until you find yourself thinking of reasons to live. But if you ever take one step down the same staircase that brought you to the suicidal low you will reach the bottom. And there... You just can't get better.
Life is like endless swimming. Keep your head above water or else you drown. And dead people just settle at the bottom eventually.

So what am I doing chasing after beautiful faces? Why do I flirt with someone that says no? Because I'm worried about myself. What if I don't have some small reason to live? What if belief is the only thing holding me up?
I never really got to the point where I believed in God. So I use you instead. My readers, the beautiful faces I wish to meet.
I hope to be distracted just long enough to die peacefully.

stay beautiful

Someone should tell him

2011-04-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

So i know what a minor addiction is like. I'll one day know what major addiction is. One of these days I'm going to shoot up with something illegal just because I want to feel the worst withdrawal of my life when it leaves me.
But for now I want to talk about ideal love.

I used to think ideal love was when two people could guess the other person's moves like it was their own. You could lay down and predict who would talk first, and what they would say, and what your answer should be. Then, if you somehow spoke before the other person, they could play your role and you theirs.
I used to think ideal love was a profitable exchange of two bodies. Two people as close to perfection as they can be, paired with each other because they try just as hard. Luck and lucrative relations keep them together. Inevitably these two people are successful.

And then I started acting out an ideal love. A love where I was a gentleman, where I showed this girl all the pieces of her childhood she missed out on. By always saying she was beautiful, and not only saying it, but finding a new way to say it every time. I no longer hesitate to see this girl; she calls and I'm there. I do so much to make her laugh. I hug. I give her freedom. I have no idea what else I do.
I don't kiss. I don't molest her. I touch her a lot, in a lot of places. I'm surprised she lets me.
She bit me.

I'm just so tired now.
I feel nauseous because I didn't get to control what I ate.

Not tired. I could do this forever. I'd run out of money before I ran out of anything else.
Thats why ideal love is none of those. But sort of all of those.

stay beautiful

Understood

2011-04-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Shit.
I woke up and realized I can't look sad. I have to wear a painted grin for my own protection.

If people ask me what is wrong I could tell them, even though I would rather not. I don't understand it all.

I need to protect myself from people trying to help. I don't want help.
And I know none of the people that want to help can help in the first place.

I've tried to save people that don't want to be saved. It doesn't work.

stay beautiful

Truthspeaker

2011-04-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

Dehydrated. Late night. Morning tomorrow. Eventually. Going to do something. Need to try. I want to die. Still.
Hour? Don't think so.
I'm here. Typing. Why?
Because nothing makes sense. Not even this feeling makes sense. I don't even know what pleasure is. What is good? What is bad?
The only feeling I seem to be able to detect a difference in is LOVE. I know what love is.

So now what?
Die
Search for Love?
I know
impossible.
Need to do other things like make money. Save lives. Important human business.
What if I became a cat?

Well then I wouldn't be dehydrated.
Music in my room.
A letter I have to RSVP for.
Me.

I suddenly don't want to be here.
Suddenly... meaning a while ago
I hope
this feeling stays forever.
Want to
Die

I think of what it would be like to cut open my eyelids. Would the blood sting my eyes like juice? Feel like salty water against the sensitive tissue? I might dream of things like this. Hoping my life will end.

No... its not some silly feeling
Its something I've been wanting for a while
I want a better reason to die. That is why I haven't died yet.
Because if I had a better reason
I'd be dead.

stay beautiful

Yes, I'm crazy

2011-04-11T00:24:00.000-07:00

He thinks with his mouth out loud. He will say what he is thinking before he types it. The substance of his brain is public and you know what? He doesn't care.

There is someone out there like this.

She plays with rubber bands, doesn't know anything about being human. She says so much but none of it is conversation. Food is the purpose of life. Comfort its embellishment. Sleep is necessary.

There is a cat like this.

Sometimes I wonder what the big difference is.
What does it mean to be human?
I don't know what it means to be a cat

unforgiven

2011-04-11T00:02:00.000-07:00

I searched the house looking for bleach. Disappointing. I didn't find any. I wanted a cup of bleach to wash down this entry. I wanted this to be a suicide note.

I was going to say that I had the means, but I had the control. I even wanted to pour bleach on my skin to leave a mark. Show you I can destroy whatever piece of me I want to. Because that is what I have done. I've destroyed a piece of myself.

I'm contemplating going shopping somewhere. Anywhere that is open 24 hours and buying my own personal supply of bleach. Its the only thing I would trust to kill me. I don't trust the HCl I use for my pranks or gasoline or even syrup of ipecac. All I trust is bleach- even though I know in many cases it doesn't kill people. I'd trust a gun more. But not knifes. I'm not used to stabbing myself so I'd miss an artery and only hit veins. Too many veins to choose from.

If you didn't get it by now I want to die tonight.
This feeling may carry over for a few days.

In my suicide note I was sure to mention how privileged I was. I drive a car, live under a roof without rent and with minimal responsibility. I have freedom enough to do anything.
I was probably going to put my best face forward like usual; say that I was doing well in school even though I'm still struggling. I have less classes to struggle through. I'd say something about losing myself in ways no one else understands. I doubt you know the difference between a body that can run 20 miles and a body that can only run 10 as intimately as I do. So I might be right.
But I would have pleaded. Pleaded that there be no pity; for I was fine. So fine I was going to die happy. I always hated my face, and it would give me pleasure to eliminate that ugly piece of literature.
I am drifting.

So I digress; my virginity is gone. Not the way I envisioned it. No. I don't care if I come to terms with it. I didn't ejaculate, but I didn't care to. When it was happening I stopped and said I didn't want this. It still counts, even if it is immeasurable on a male. Want to break in my skull.

No I'm not sexually awkward. I'm fine.
I'm suicidal right now, but its fine.

Those moments in your life where you don't want to be alive.
Right now.

stay beautiful

The same sentence with different meanings

2011-04-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

It is amazing what you don't know

You didn't know I was holding the shell of a bomb while talking to you.

You don't know how beautiful I find you. I can't even think of sex because I'm so awestruck. I haven't said a word to you and I've known you for how many years? 8?
You saved me from... something that wouldn't have been so bad. But something I didn't want. You saved me.

You don't know how nice you are.

You don't know how beautiful you are.

You don't know how much you care.

You don't know you're a hypocrite.

You don't know that you're never leaving that place.

You don't know that I didn't even want to see you.

You don't know how I can't hate you for the same reasons.

You don't know how often I wish I could hold you

You don't know I think you are ugly.

You don't know what someone else thinks they have hidden from you.
You don't know how much of a hypocrite you are.
You don't know why everyone leaves. You don't know why they can't talk to you. You don't know why they all disappear at the same time. You don't know why you can't focus. You don't know why no one else is good enough. You don't even know what you feel. You don't know what you think. You don't know who you are.
But its you.
You're the one that is writing this. You're the one this is intended for. You're the one that has to own up to all of it. Because its all true.

And what do you do?
What is the correct response when someone tells you something you don't like about yourself. "hey, you have trouble waking up in the morning"
A: "oh shit! I do?"
B: "I know- fuggadaboutit"
C: "Damn... let me try to do better"
D: "What?"
E: "How are you?"
F: "You're confusing"
G: Stop it. There aren't any answers. What do you think this is school?

What has school taught me to do?
I can't do homework. I've never been able to. So I've failed a lot where other people succeed. But I work so hard. I try to work every day. My play time is work. Video games is work.
I picked up my controller today saying "I'm going to get better as Diddy Kong"
Now that I look back at it I can see. But I feel like I haven't achieved that layer of vision when we say we see something but mean we understand it. I feel like I don't understand myself. And I feel like i never will.

People tell me all the time how I am being confusing. But they never tell me how I am confusing.

Do you see?
Do you know?

Violet... I'll make a deal with you. How about when you talk to me I'll give you my blog. You can say anything. You can say hi. And I'll give you the title. I'll share the link. Please... just talk to me. I'll text it if I see you in person. I need your voice before I send it. I need that... consent.
I read your blog.
You would like to read mine.
Talk to me.
You don't know how hard it is for me to be waiting for anyone to talk. I never hear back from you.

stay beautiful

A few days by

2011-04-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just don't know how to say it

She kills me inside, and its the death I want. I want to die. Like I want to be ready for death. Dead on the inside so that if death suddenly swept me off my feet (or swept my feet off of me), then I could just accept it. I could embrace it; love death because it will unite me with the rest of my dead self.

Yeah... I don't know how to say it.

So.....................Day
6am: Woke up for Pokemon, ended up defrosting windows for 10 minutes
6:30am: Pokemon. Best friend times :)
8am: come home, second breakfast, leave for volunteer
8:10am: sign in. And... play beach ball with old people.
Then we did crafts until 11am
cleaned up.
11:30am: In-room visits.

In-room visits are what you would image as volunteer work for a nursing home. You talk to someone. Go to room 512 (false room number) and talk to patient C. Patient C is Catholic (had no catholic visits) is alert but has moments of confusion. They might mention something about career on the page or something else about the patient. Point is, your job is to give them company. Its the scariest job I've ever done in my life.

I'm not going to mention everything about these visits. There were a lot of... depressing... And these people probably don't want anonymous sympathy. No... I wouldn't care for it.
I'd want more volunteers like the fool I'm PRETENDING to be.
Somebody... should kill me so I can be this fool that donates his life to everyone else he can.
I want my heart to be broken.

I noticed she was different the moment I saw her. I'll name her Kork- explained later-. She looked different from the others, she was so real to me, and her first words to me were "never love a woman because all she will do is break your heart." Kork is a lesbian over 80 years old.
She needs to be named Kork because her mouth is foul; she would cuss every sentence if she didn't care for respect. But she knows that the first time talking to someone you should be polite. Well, Kork, I look up to you. You're disease has taken half of your body, and the stupidity of others has caused you extra injuries, but you continue to fight for yourself. You don't antagonize others even if you don't care whether you flip them a bird for walking by. You're the kindest person I've met here, kinder than all the nurses. And you are so real. Even when you go on a memory trip you mean to do it to tell me the story of your life. Kork... parts of you will live in this blog even if they are inappropriately named.
She said to me "Before my father died he had me promise: Don't tell your mother." I thought she was crazy for bringing it up, she hadn't even told me yet. "So I never told her. I kept my mouth shut. I said 'mom, this is my roommate.' And when her parents came we were together again." "He said 'I know you're gay, but your mother doesn't know' and you don't know how hard it was but even after the day she died I never told her. She never knew." So there it was. She told me what my first glance said. This was a gay woman years and years older than anyone else I had known before. This was someone that lived invisible in the 1950's and fought so hard in the 1960's to be recognized. She still fights today.
I told her that I'm going to visit her on the Day of Silence and I'm not going to say a word to her, but I'm going to have a nice long talk with her.

Going to buy a white board and a dry erase marker.

Today I heard at least 3 people beg me to let them out. They all said they hate this place. But I don't know if they realize how scary the rest of the world is. I mean... some of them do. July... one of the most capable of all the people there is afraid of the outside world. She can stand and walk and read and speak coherently always. But she knows if she were on her own life would be much harder than it is now. Life is only painful now, but it will always have some degree of pain.
People... just want to be in control of how the pain comes to them.
Something about treating your own wounds causes them to hurt less.
But you aren't a doctor. You don't know a lot. Some cases you could accidentally make it worse.

So a few days go by and you wonder whatever became of us.
I still think of you every day.
But I'm sick.
Once I see her...

I'm nonsense.
sorry

stay beautiful

Bloody

2011-04-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Bloody gallon. I've given a bloody gallon of blood now.

Why have I been gone?
School.

So I've been weaker than expected

yeah... I'm having trouble keeping up. Not with the course, but with every assignment I have a minor anxiety attack sort of thing. I look at it and freeze. I like to think I'm in complete control of what I do, but when the contents of my stomach haven't been the beautiful air as it should be... I don't think I'm in control. I've gotten moody because I haven't eaten, or because I haven't had sugar. I'd rather fall asleep than start a war.
The bandage on my arm is the only thing reminding me to not try something tonight. I'm likely to do something if given the chance.
because I want to

I'm winning some battles and losing some others. I got the highest score on my political science exam for the class, but I got an 88.5% (a not so impressive score). I have the volunteer position for the nursing home. I'm still 2 points below 100% in one class, and very close to the same perfect score in another. I've been breathing.
Sometimes that is a victory in itself.

My writing... impresses me. I have an older voice. A singing prose. Something worth reading. Maybe these fingers will type out a story one day.
I will post it on my DeviantArt if I ever make a story.

Some comical things... Sort of.
I saw the most beautiful girl I've ever seen with blue hair today. I've seen her quite a few times... always wishing to tell her something... Today she also gave blood.
I poked my head through the curtains that separated the bloodgivers from the regular commerce and said "Hi, I'm Daniel" She told me her name "Do you have time? I'd like to hang out with you a little after you're done. You're very beautiful" She said she has class, but maybe.
My wish came true because she talked to me. We said things like how we wanted to get away from school (which is almost a lie... because I want to always be in school. But there comes a time where I must move on so I can return- people keep reminding me I go to school for a reason). We compared the days we graduated. She said a little about art and me about my near perfect scores. I told her I have faults enough. I remember wanting to tell her she was beautiful again... but the words were stuck this time. Perhaps I had already used them up.
She said she had to go to class.
I asked her "Would you mind if I asked you for your number..." I could tell by the look on her face it was too forward.
She said it was too forward "... or is it too forward?"
Okay
"have a nice day"

I'm looking at myself without a mirror. People call it self reflection.
I'm not sure what to call it.
I'd like to call it listening
But I don't know what I hear.

I don't know... I tried to get a second job. I want so badly to get a plane ticket to see Naz. I don't want to have to dream about it. I want to take the steps to get there. But I don't think the interview worked out. I'm going to have to try sometime in August. So far away...
I get a year older in August.
Need to finish school or something like that
Need to get out of the house of my parents.
Need to choose

Too much inside
Its like looking in a mirror with a mirror behind you. Your eyes are somewhere in forevermirrors. The space seems to stretch out forever, but really you're just looking at the same room over and over again. More reflections... I wonder... if...
I wonder if she likes me?

stay beautiful

HIPPA

2011-04-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

I didn't read your post Naz, but you aren't fat. You're not going to be for a long time. And when you are its okay. You're more beautiful than that.
Why the shoutout?

I'm trying to pay you back for all the smiles.

Something... about fabricated kindness irks me. Kills my mood. I hate telling someone that can't do something that they can do something. I don't like telling people that can do something that they can't do it. And when old people say "I'm blind" they might just be lying.
I volunteered today.
I feel sick.
If I'm not careful I will get sick. I exposed myself to a lot of bacteria that I'm usually not around. Enough oxygen in my system and I'll be able to fight it off. Maybe I will go to the store and buy blueberries. They are my panacea.

There is... something about nursing homes that lends terror to the mind. While I was volunteering, a woman screamed for help. For hours she asked for help and not a single nurse came to her. I visited the room, introduced myself, asked her what she wanted... but I can't do what she wanted. I'm not a certified nurse. She was asking me to do things certified nurses ONLY are allowed to do. No one else likes her, but she is my favorite.
Among other people there are more tangible personalities. There is a social woman whom I will name Shark. She is hilarious, gets into all kinds of trouble. She asked me to shut the door of the screaming resident as to muffle the noise. She knew no one was going to help and would have appreciated hearing less of the screaming, but this obviously isolates one person even further. Shark doesn't care if she is mean; its why I call her shark here. Shark also loves food! Food makes her happy... I don't mean she binged, she just is easiest to make friends with over a few small favors like fetching ice water or making her first in line for popcorn. Shark is easy to get along with.
Some people there... are out of their minds. One day and I can already see that if I say hi to someone the best answer I will get is an "EHHHHHHHHHH" or ask them a question "EEEEHHHHH" What day of the week is it? "FREEEEEEHHHHHHHH" I wonder if this person is in pain.
Another resident can't talk. Claps her hands... I'm going to have to learn to communicate with her, because her face is very expressive and she is lots of fun.
I played bingo with a man that can't read or write; he was never taught to read or write and by now his eyesight is poor for such activity. But he is bright, charming, smart, funny, and handsome in his old man sort of quality. He has figured out single digit numbers, but hasn't gotten the hang of double digits. If you said the number 115 he would choose any number with two 1's and a 5 in it. For some reason he doesn't know order matters... I let him cheat a little sometimes... he would mark the bingo card for 56 when they called 65. Hehe...

Nurses do have a hard job.
Some of them can do it well.
Sometimes the hall smells like piss.
There is a reason the facility I was working at was rated 2 stars... And in its current situation (they cut staff recently) it may not measure up that high. Especially if an inspector hears screaming... Screaming...
I put slippers on the screaming lady's feet.

Also... readers. If I ever blog about residents PLEASE comment if I have told you enough to identify them. I can't do that. Its against the law. And I need to make edits. PLEASE keep me in check.
I'll tell you as much as I can.

I feel so dead on the inside. I feel sad. I feel dehydrated. I feel like I've been killing my soul because I've had to see people that have to ask in order to go to the bathroom, or people that can't eat popcorn because of their specific diet, or because I share the suffering of every person's pain reflex just by being near them.
And... I wanna feel this dead forever.

stay beautiful

Something

2011-04-01T00:24:00.001-07:00

Something just made me happy
I just read some blogs.

stay beautiful

Should I?

2011-03-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

I sort of want to get away from PT. Its gross.
Gross that I look at pictures of girls. That I visit the site just to see beautiful people, because I'm so afraid of the people I see outside. I don't know what a social club is... or where one is... or where parties are. I don't even think i want to meet people in the midst of alcohol. So I use PT.
Gross that I'm looking at something I will never be. My parents told me today that I could cook myself dinner, I grabbed a pear. That will be all for that meal. But... I eat so normal. I'll never lose weight. It is so hard to lose weight when you are this low... 6'2" and 140 something pounds or more accurately 70kgs or so. I'm never going to be 100 lbs. I'd die.

And... I feel lonelier on the nights where I find myself browsing the forums. I feel like an idiot when i post.
All I want... it to see someone beautiful. Everyday, have someone pretty to look at for a long time. I'm very selfish.

Also...
I want to model. Sort of. I know what my body looks like and I want to display it, maybe it will motivate me to lose weight. Who knows... I need a photographer.
Who is willing?

stay beautiful

You must hate

2011-03-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when someone is being so selfless that they are being selfish. You kinda want to say to them "How dare you take away what you never really gave me!"
Part of this is because you are selfish yourself, the other... you don't want to see them disappear into a corner.
One of my readers thinks this is an attractive idea.

At least one.

Don't you hate it when you want to be nice, but you know you are powerless either way?
When you are trying to do something, but nothing comes out of it?
When you are studying and you can't find a single answer?

Have you ever looked in a mirror and been so scared someone was on the other side you didn't stop to notice that person was you?
Even so... Why do I need to remind myself of what I am...

Broken objects
Cat get off my lap...
I have school.

stay beautiful

I hate humans

2011-03-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

Except Naz.
YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME 24/7. Much love you loser.

But all the people...
I don't understand how they can possibly be so LARGE. How they can be so... HAPPY. How they can be so... DRUNK. Go ahead and tell me I'm a bigot. I just don't understand what there is in SEX that is worth anything. I don't care about it.
I'd like to show you I don't care about it... For now you won't believe me...
I know.
I'm human. Right now I hate myself.
Haven't you read? About how terrible I feel after I indulge sexually? Because... its not worth anything to be pleased. NO.
Nothing.

I'm closed minded right now. I'm also blank in the brain.
Shooting empty shots.

I look at my body and I see veins. Veins I don't see on many other people... Veins that bulge where there used to only be skin. I see lines from bones and muscles that I can read like a chart. I see sallowed cheeks and the me on the inside begs for this to continue. If the trend continues I will become what I really am. I'll become beautiful for a split moment of life...
But then reason kicks in and says that I might die.
And it would be worth every lost ounce...

stay beautiful

Do not want to post

2011-03-27T02:39:00.000-07:00

Freaking 3rd time.

I don't know... I feel like I am just ruining all the respect points I'm getting. I told my friends last night that I was hanging with them instead of getting head- I mean that is about as intimate as "bros before hoes" gets right? So... I have fun with the guys.

Then tonight.
Well.
Got head.

Fuck you.
I hate you. You and your lazy fucking heart. You and your lightweight head. You can't take a few hours without food and you can't do 1000 push-ups anymore. You get weaker every day without me. You live without me.
I promise you death. Beautiful death that makes life all the more fucking precious. You can get all the head you want when YOU'VE STARVED YOURSELF ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT.
You need to be perfect before you let another woman touch you.
PERFECT.

...........
That was me. Talking to myself.
Everyone talks a little to themselves...

I wanna
but I don't.

My primary objectives are in the course. I'm not perfect. I don't deserve to be spoiled by her. She has a boyfriend (and its not me). So..............
I don't understand.
I'm not worth losing a relationship over.
Its hard enough for me to think I'm worth losing my own weight for. ahhhhhh.
Hate
hate
hate hate hate life.
But I'll love it tomorrow...

Gonna wake up soon.
Its 2:40am almost. I wanna wake up at 6:00am tomorrow. I KNOW I want to do that.
Don't object to that. There is enough to object to with me.
Fucking going crazy hating myself.

stay beautiful

My first kiss was your dad

2011-03-24T15:20:00.001-07:00

It wasn't, but I was thinking that would be a funny short for me to write one day. And possibly live (as the dad). That sentence is the boyfriend telling the girlfriend it. And she has this look on her face like UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH.

ya.
But I'm gonna care that much.

Sometimes a dad says "I'm gonna answer the door with a gun" when their girl starts to date. Some pull the boy aside and say "whatever you do to her I will do to you twice as long" Those are intimidating. I wanna teach the unfortunate kid how to love her, so that she never accepts a standard less. Her first will be the most perfect guy he can be, and if it doens't work out, then she will know what she deserves. At least she will have that.

I'm unattainable.
You cannot get close to me.
Not possible.
I wish I was. Because I try to get close to people. But it never works.
If I saw you, it would only be worse.
Know how dogs sometimes have short attention spans? Well... I'm sorta like that. Just shorter. On a taller person.
I'm trying to be a machine. -abstract idea-

Day: Rain, cheerios, rain, school, rain, apple, drink lots of water, have to pee, rain, drive home, answer phone, eat toaststed PB&J, play video games for an hour, drive for work, more rain, work, its cold here because of the rain... I'm gonna go home in the rain I guess. I don't know.
Today... is not the best. But I don't need it to be.

stay beautiful

stay beautiful

Whiz

2011-03-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

Your legs were starting to look alright and now you're eating all of that?
um... I didn't know it would be so bad. It hasn't changed me yet.
But I wonder what will change...
I'm having serious problems with eating fish. It doesn't feel right. I might just have to stop... April 1st a good day to end it? Yeah... I love irony.

I should say I have serious problems eating
But I don't
I have problems thinking
Singing... The voice in my head sings.
Freak.

Hi.
I'm Goldfish

You can't help but love me. And my half monkey half pony half monster gift.
Maybe you don't like monsters.
Maybe I used too many monkeys...

lol

stay beautiful

Every time

2011-03-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

It seems every time I get hungry enough not to care I can't bring myself to eat.
And when I force myself through the motions something stupid happens.

So I burned the roof of my mouth. Now what?
Its sad, how a guy like me who never really did anything that traumatizing to his digestive system finds breaking the habit to be hard. It isn't even hard for me. Imagine if I actually threw up instead of just accidentally having food randomly try to come out my mouth after I've 'eaten too much'. I eat regular. I go on walks. Compared to what I used to do I don't even exercise. I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything. Waking up feels like crap. Every day is the same.

So why does it matter?
Because. I've done something good.
Not telling you. Not yet. Not until I've actually done it.
I hate planning for crap, but I live in a bureaucratic nation; can't do anything without approval first. I turned in an initiative almost a month ago for a program at the library that requires ZERO staff and ZERO funding and is something the library should endorse. It will be approved THURSDAY this week. See what I have to deal with? I've been bugging them about it. I wonder what would have happened if I just turned it in. And there was no errors in my first draft; they admitted it was quite genius
So this other project (unless you are a flyingfish I haven't told you) I'm going to have to wait and see. I'm going to hate myself for all the good things I'll be doing with it.

Suspense? No.
Btw.
The word NO means too much. Someone needs to cut it in half.
That word...

How the fuck do you cure someone that is lazy?
How the fuck do you cure someone of bulimia?
How the fuck do you cure someone that doesn't think they are sick, doesn't want to be sick, doesn't want to be cured, and wants instead to live some blindsided race for a one-day lifetime?
Maybe the last one made no sense...

How do you take art away from the artist?
How do you take the artist from the art?

I bought a book I already owned. Once on accident, once because I couldn't find my other copy. I also have a book... that I really want to read. It is titled Twilight.
Wonder what you think of that.

stay beautiful

A Chantar

2011-03-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Clothes don't fit.
Feel colder and colder every day.
Pants falling down. Why did you forget your belt today?
I'm paranoid people around me will notice. I think they see me as fat. More. I think they hate me.

I'm so cold. Even my warmest clothes can't protect me from the wind.
It doesn't bite...
Harsh wind bites. No... its just cold out. The wind feels like the hands of a lover. Like some siren of chill is trying to embrace me underneath my clothing and be absorbed into my skin. And I try to huddle myself closer to protect myself. But in the outside world it is impossible to avoid her molestation. I walk at a scurry hoping to survive long enough to open the doors... and shut her out.

Btw... sorry Naz. You rock at math.

stay beautiful

How can I want that?

2011-03-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Having trouble waking up?
Yes
Is there anything I can do to help?
Almost...
*wrong answer*

I got up, determined to eat breakfast. So I did. It was that simple. It feels like the ghosts that haunt me at night are always gone by morning. But every morning is so slow. I wake up twice, not fully aware until someone enters my room or my cat jumps on me or something.
I'm wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. I have school in a few hours. My life is so easy.
If I had more classes I would be in trouble. Extra work is no problem, but I've found this semester I don't have much anxiety. I get people anxiety. I don't want to talk to people, but I can't help but wish I had more friends. So anyone that tempts me... Drives me up the wall. Because every chance I let slip by that I could have made a friend... is another reason why I hate myself. And every time I notice someone thinner than me... I have to look at myself again. What am I doing wrong? I should be like that already!
I used to think I wasn't jealous. I think I just hold back my feelings so well I used to deceive myself.

What is the rest of my life like right now? Well, I have no school to speak of to focus on. I get to play video games and card games with kids this Friday as part of a volunteer project. I have nothing this Saturday. I have a quiz (just an essay on a music composer) today, and another quiz tomorrow. Easy stuff.
I want to take a walk. I want to read a chapter of my biology textbook. I want to read Lolita. I want to buy a dry erase board. I want to take a lot of pictures. I want to learn more words. Start a fantasy novel. I want to figure out what I'm doing on Pokemon, but not spend all my time on it. I want to read The Magic Engineer. I want to provide shelter for a butterfly. I want to give her freedom. I want to die.

How did that end up on the list? How come I left out losing weight?
I'm so hungry... every day. Even after I eat I'm hungry. But I move on to something else... I eat just to avoid being light headed. Can't be satiated. Maybe I can...

My stomach might have a six pack. But its so round. I don't want it to be round.

stay beautiful

Looking for something

2011-03-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

Can't do 2 blogs... too much work...
Haha. I can't do anything... Too much work.
Can't even think... Too much work
Eating doesn't seem to be too much work.
Haha I say this... And I'm losing weight. I know it. I know it I know it.

Flying kites.
Razor blades bending backwards.
Blood masticated by flesh

3 lines is all I got.
Thanks

stay beautiful

Forget Remembering

2011-03-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

I took a run in the rain tonight. My pokewalker says I went about 4 miles. Got wet!
I RAN the first mile. Eh... felt sick.
Also went really ghetto. I took off my shirt but kept my hooded sweatshirt on (which I sometimes only wear on my sleeves and let fall behind me) because I was hot, but it was raining and I didn't have pockets big enough...

Ehh... Its dark outside. No one can see me.

I needed something. Otherwise I will get fat.
I almost threw up too. Fun huh?
Not quite. Just kept moving the feets and it went aways.

Okays

ALSO****** NOTE******* I HAVE A TUMBLR. Its ForgetRemembering.Tumblr.com and I will be putting more on it laterz. And referring to it when I wantz. Just so ya know.

stay beautiful

I don't like myself

2011-03-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

I don't feel good.
By that... I don't mean sick
I never get sick. Haven't been sick in years.
No.
I feel no good. like I am not good.
Tumblr will start to become more active. I need to get stuff done...

stay beautiful

The things I don't mention

2011-03-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

She said to me "I don't think I have wanted anything in my life as much as I want you right now" and I didn't want anything to do with sex.
Woah... where did this come from? Someone actually wants the body of a male with my body and mind? Someone actually got close enough to say that and mean it? Crap.
Its a friend. Dammit. I do these things to friends.

It happened Sunday night. I was hungry for company so i asked if we could hang out after her work. she works at the mall and worked until almost closing, we went shopping and it felt good to be in company. Then I walked her to the car and we hugged for so long that security scouting by was the only thing to stop us. I was cold. I needed the hug for a long time. Then I made a mistake.

Do you know any secluded parking lots?

We both wanted to hang out more, but I didn't think about where it could lead. I knew a good place. I wish I had some of the music I listened to... I could have turned that on and we could have cried to the lyrics or something instead of...

You know I've always wondered if something was different

She has a boyfriend so I assumed nothing could get too far.

You're legs aren't the only thing that's grown

But it did.

What do you want... I'll give it to you

I sort of played with the details... By this I mean I didn't push her to where we got. I did help though...

My body is saying that I want more

I'm sorry, but I don't want to confess anymore.
Because I turned it around by saying no. I said tonight is a definite no. I know I left open some other time. But things like that shouldn't happen twice. I've been thinking about it a lot. Dammit it might happen twice. But its not worth the crying that I had to witness. Don't want to hurt other people. I just want what I want.

This is what I wanted: I wanted a thinner girl. And even then I didn't want the same things. I just wanted to comb the thinner girl's hair and tell her she is beautiful. I wanted to talk with the thinner girl about my books and sing softly the few songs I know to this girl. I wanted to kiss the thinner girl on the top of the head, then the cheeks, then the lips. I wanted it to go so slow we weren't going anywhere, and then I would break the moment by inviting her outside. There we would freeze to death under a bed of stars, cars whooshing by supplying the conversation we had exhausted in the car. And while we laid there, the thinner girl would take the stage for her turn to talk. She would tell me some dark secret that made it impossible for her to want me no matter how attractive I am. My only reply would be to stroke her hair again and tell her that it was alright. I would pick her up and plant a kiss on her, hoping it would grow into real love. Then we would part our ways, she first, because I would need some time alone to hallucinate her back to my side after she leaves.

I'm still a virgin, but I don't consider it sacred after all the shit I've made people go through.

I think telling my mother I am vegetarian now helps a lot. I can't have seconds anymore and I can't eat leftovers because meat is in every dish. I sometimes skip half the entree and sometimes get an alternative half. I do miss out on steaks and lamb, but taste never really mattered to me.

It rained today. I took a walk to the used bookstore and back: my pokewalkers tell me I went around 7 miles.
I've had cereal, the last two homemade banana bread bars, legumes, and some strawberries. I drank a whole bottle of water twice and 3 glasses of milk. I did a few minutes of ab workout today. I have been listening to class lectures on itunes. I've done almost all the readings for my history class (no one else does them...). I have a messy desk, but an acceptable room. I slept on the floor for two days. I might sleep on the floor tonight.

I'm also extremely sad.
I was seduced the best that any man could be seduced. She asked me what I wanted more. She pawed at me, she took all the initiative, she moaned when I touched her, she only encouraged me, almost begged, but never did because that turns me off, she asked if she could go further and when i didn't answer went slow and stopped, went slow and stopped. She waited for the slightest consent. She let me say no, and then worked again from zero to get where we were before. It was torture in some mad measure and all I wanted was the company of a traumatized victim. I felt traumatized. I didn't want to be where I was that night.
I laughed hysterically. I imagined scenes of rape. I spoke lyrics that didn't make sense and brought to life stories in my head. I took the time while our hands ran over each other to daydream about my books. She knew what was going on and begged me to 'stay here' but something kept driving me out of reality. I would sometimes look at what I was doing and burst into fits of laughter. There was nothing funny about one person swallowed by passion and the other ... wherever I was.
I feel bad. The things she said... She felt humiliated there. She would be even more embarrassed if I gave out enough details. Audience... please understand.

And when she said she wanted me more than anything, and I said no, there was a lot of hurt on her side. Part of me couldn't help but thinking: now you know how it feels to be me.

Let me also mention I am one of those freaky vegetarians that eats fish. Yes... Sorry I forgot that. So add to my food some fish, some broccoli, and a potatoe for the day. Then I had yogurt for dinner, but was starving so... I dealt with it. Still hungry. Gonna wake up hungry. eh... Its just because I'm big.

stay beautiful

Thank you but I need to lose weight

2011-03-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

I saw someone I have wanted to speak to for 3 years now. It is not often we see each other, and every time I fail to take the chance I have tears streaming down my eyes.

I have more important...
Actually I can't think of anything more important than what she gives me. She is a muse. See this: http://callmelucky.deviantart.com/#/d3bdj2v
She makes me genius. She makes me sad. She would never be able to stand me because we are opposites and we couldn't even talk to each other because we have nothing to talk about.
But I would pay money for this inspiration...

Maybe if I lost weight I would look sick enough for someone to care. I have to try. I have to try. I have to just do it.
I'm vegetarian. Yes.
Now all I have to do is not snack. I'll lose weight just by not snacking. I'll get a little light headed. Its okay. I'll have a lot more caffeine. Always in the middle of the day. I can do it.

And for the comments. Thank you.
I'm sorry, usually I am a perfectly reasonable person, but I will assume I'm horrible. Because proving it wrong is difficult. Perspective plays too much of a role. I think of proving someone that they are worth something a lot like proving God does exist. You have to find them when they want to believe. If you find them when they need it... but they don't want it, then you can do nothing. I don't need to believe I am worth anything, but I don't want to believe it either.
Look at it like this:
I can only go up.

Stay beautiful

A camera and two mirrors

2011-03-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

This picture is so ugly. But the concept is cool. I wish... I wish I could have held the camera steady, or was talented enough to make my room look more like a studio than it is... You can see the world map in the background. And most of all... I wish I wasn't so abhorrent.

Photographs just remind me that I'm not good enough. They quantify these things.

Stay beautiful

In need

2011-03-08T19:27:00.000-08:00

The young man sat parked on the trail, peering down at the cane for a while. Its user had already vanished down the path. Neither he or the older man needed the cane, but he was tempted to pick it up to return it. Or maybe he could use it himself...
The design was a long black cobra, each delicate scale etched into the wood as deep as ink on paper, he could feel just by looking how smooth the craftsmanship was. The cane called to him, and because of that he feared it.
His hands knotted into themselves refusing to reach for the cane. With measured caution he reached out his foot and kicked it away. It coiled in its brief flight and clattered on the hard ground, nothing more than a walking stick still. He began to turn away, but his eyes remained rooted to the staff.
Slowly... the staff picked itself up and walked its way to him, pulling his hands apart and fastening his fingers around the cobra's neck.
Young Goodman Brown held his breath, wide eyed, stricken with absolute fear at what he had done. But the staff knew that this was only the beginning of a walk down his destined road.

stay beautiful

Nothing to say

2011-02-28T16:49:00.000-08:00

I just want to be noticed.

I'm making all kinds of mistakes. And I'm faililng to make use of my time. Lets just call that another mistake.
"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail"

I'm at that point in my life where what I feel is the most important thing in my life.
If I'm hungry, my gosh I'm so hungry I have to eat.

And I'm rarely sad, but sometimes I'm sad. I'm dominated by skin.
And its so cold.

I had another camp. I'm unenthusiastic because I've gotten to the point where the pain given from drum corps isn't going to be enough. I recover in a day. I'm already fine.

I don't want to say anything, but I keep opening my mouth because I just want to be noticed.

stay beautiful

Delusional

2011-02-25T19:33:00.000-08:00

Not yet.

I keep wanting to do things: starve, run, push-ups, bleed, vomit, diet, sleep, walk, read, hold my breath... and a voice tells me 'not yet'

I don't understand...

On the bright side I have been reading a book. I have been reading a book.
In this book a woman is lifelinked to a powerful storm wizard. The lifelink causes her to receive the feedback from his emotions; so if he ever feels strongly, then she will too. She is a chaos wizard. She is beautiful, and he lusts for her. But if she hurts him it goes back to her, and if she kills him she dies too. He can hurt her without consequence because the lifelink only goes one way. So she hates him.
The point is... he loves her. But she can't see it. She attacks him when he looks at her even though she can feel what he feels. It breaks him, but she keeps on breaking him. She asks for space; and he gives it to her. Butshe would use that space forever and he knows, so he comes back. He forces her to look into his eyes and then...

Well... if you are interested you might want to read the story for yourself.

stay beautiful

Home

2011-02-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

I still hear the words "You're so skinny"
But it means nothing...

The air is nauseating. Saliva in my mouth tells me I ate just a little while ago. I'm always eating. I don't know where it all goes. I hope to God I'm growing. I don't even believe in God. But I pay respect to the word. God is such a beautiful word.
People that know me would know how much I would like to believe in words. I believe in truth. Words are truth. It is the people behind them that lie. And you can't stop a person from lying. Words are words...

I feel like a lie.
Am I Anorexic? No.
But still, people are concerned. I had a friend ask me yesterday "Why do you say you want to lose weight?"
I had to change the subject. I wasn't prepared. I really wanted to explode and protest that I've been gaining weight. I haven't. But the illusion deceives me. I look at the scale and see 145lbs (>70kg). And I think: I was 145lbs last time. I was 6'1" last time. I have friends that are 90lbs... I wonder what it would be like to be 90lbs... And it makes me sad. 90lbs would kill me.
Unlike you my goal weight is perfectly reasonable. It is <150lbs. I'm there now. I want to grow taller.

Do I repeat myself? I feel like I've been using the same words over and over again.

My current life is a joke.
Last week was Dugtrio.
Yesterday was Weezing.
Today is Horsea.

Nothing important.
Every day is nothing but time passing by.

Pokemon.

I should know it won't save me. I'll always want to be lower. But it has been months since I went a day without eating.

Saturday... I almost did it. I woke up almost late for work. I rushed there without food. I was too busy to take a lunch. But my boss's wife bought me something...
I had water.

I could have been like you and thrown it away.
I hate you.
You, reading this.
Because I want so badly to live like you do.
Because I want so badly to be like you again.
Because I want you so badly and I know its wrong and you don't want me.
I really only hate you because you don't want me.

I've asked myself why I like people.
"Man is a social Animal"
Axioms don't teach anything. They tell you what you already know.

I really don't know what you give me. I feel safer even if I am the stronger of us. I feel loved even if you are heartless to me. I feel warmer even if we are both cold. I feel relaxed even if we are both in pain.

I don't see how a guy like me can say these things. I don't know what life is like with a companion. All I have is my imagination.
And it was never good enough for me to invent a friend.

stay beautiful

I have an ugly face

2011-02-15T21:26:00.000-08:00

I would like to pass out.

I'm supposed to write an essay tonight. A short 1 page essay. It feels too easy. But I can't start.
I... feel so small.
I feel useless.
I feel uneducated.

I've lost the word.

My body is the only thing valuable about me.
I've lost every word.

You see this: is my current level of talent.
I can exegesis.
Whatever that means.
But I can't write.

Conjuncture. Search for more.
Its in there.
Water.

Okay. It should take effect soon.
Swallow.

Cold.

I watched the surface of the water as music played. It never stops moving. I wish I was like that.
This is going to be a long entry. I have to write until I start the essay.

I'll try to summarize the topic for you. You can see for yourself how simple the assignment is.
I don't know why I can't start it. And why I couldn't start it before. I tried. Honestly.

We watched a Movie "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"
The movie starts out with some Senator dying. The mayor is told the news, or maybe he is a governer. Anyways, when a political member of congress (or at least in the Senate) is removed from office (death removes them from office btw) there is something called a "special election." A special election allows for a new member to be 'voted' in by representatives instead of the people to replace the old guy immediately. There is very little public involvement in this, but the people do have some say. So they try to choose a guy that will serve their corrupt political goals. Doesn't work. The public declines.
The main plot revolves around a single bill, where $5 dollars is going to the building of a Damn for "power supplies for the people in the area" providing for all the families around a place called Willit Creek. Turns out only one man owns land around that plot of land, he is a business owner and he holds regular meetings with the Senator he bribed in order to get that section of the bill written.
They need to fill a position still. The Mayor guy that selects the candidate is told by his kid that "Mr. Smith" is the most American guy there is. But Jefferson Smith as it turns out is a patriotic scout leader (an adult barely over the Senator age requirement) who runs boy scout programs and doesn't know about how a bill is passed. He knows how to vote, knows the Declaration of Independence, can recite Lincoln's Gettysburg Address; basically is just proud to be American. The mayor doesn't want to consider him. But when he flips a coin to decide between the two people he wants to choose from, the coin lands on its circumference. He chooses Jefferson Smith.
Jefferson Smith becomes a Senator, is sent to the capitol. The first thing he does is see the Lincoln Memorial and the Declaration of Independence.
He goes back there again and again. It reminds me of myself... how I like to find meaning in something else and visit it a lot. Its why I walk to the train tracks, or why I go to PrettyThin and PrettyAlone or DeviantArt. I belong in these places...
I know a few other places I belong... but I don't have the money or education to go there. I don't belong in a house.
No.
Hell no.

Never...

the point is... I haven't written this essay.
But I will.
At least I'm writing...

I'll get it done, but I don't like it.
My life
Right now

stay beautiful

Words from the Fissure

2011-02-13T18:22:00.000-08:00

My general mood is throw up.

And I finally realized why I feel so sick. I'm heart grieved. Still a little hurt from a dose I took years ago. It hurt a lot a long time ago, but I knew it would never be enough to kill me. Its come back. I cry from one eye, bleed from one nostril, fall asleep with one half of my brain at a time.

Well I'm awake now. I can do anything. I can face my fear even though it is nowhere to be seen.

Did you notice that I ate more than you did? I did. Did you see how when we walked together it was always you that got ahead. I saw. Did you feel how much you smiled when I could barely lift the corners of my mouth? I watched jealously.
Every day I see your soul shine like the sun and I'm afraid that you will burn out. You burn too bright; I have seen you flicker on a day when you were low on fuel. My modest flame will outlast yours, but I'll never give off the light you do. What is my life worth when it is smaller than yours in significance and fatter than yours in stature...
I can't hope to continue the legacy you left me.

stay beautiful

You suck when you try

2011-02-10T07:11:00.000-08:00

Sorry about yesterday's post. I tried to edit it and left mistakes.

Its moments like this where I wish I was the type to post pictures: you see I bought a labcoat in a women's size small and it pretty much fits me. I was so happy it turned out so well.
I am in no classes that require labs, but I will make use of the coat as soon as I can. I love science enough to do it on my own.

I have nothing else for myself this morning. best wishes to you.

stay beautiful

I've grown to 6'2"

2011-02-09T11:50:00.000-08:00

Without looking at the clock he knew the time had come. Darkness still cloaked the room and the cold pervaded his skin. The clock was telling him it was time to go. Fluidly to a silent alarm. Dress first, then think. It was too cold. In the dark room he looked back at the bed- left as a mess- and sighed. It felt like he had been awake all along. His mind asked him why he never slept, but to preserve the silence he did no reply. There would be time later. The bed waited and he thought to it "I'll get back to you"

stay beautiful

People have to eat

2011-02-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

How long he was gone he did not know. When light struck the retina of his eyes it was like fire. Shutting the lids closed turned the light mild. Behind his eyelids he saw red. He turned his head and opened his eyes again, this time not looking directly at the sun. How did he get outside? Everything was calm but it was too calm. There was no breeze, but it was bitter cold. White sunlight still burned his sensitive eyes. He decided to start walking. There was no point in living if he wasn't going anywhere.

stay beautiful

Boys with ED's

2011-02-07T14:51:00.000-08:00

Life hurts.
A lot.

I'm glad riffraff is alive. That boy was someone I looked up to. I'm happy he survived.

Sometimes after pain he went cold. It was some time in the moment after the adrenaline washed away that the temperature was sapped out of him. Desperate little hairs on his arms would stiffen to catch his receding lifeforce, but the effort only seemed to take more energy away from him. For a moment it got so cold he thought he was dead. He blacked out. Asleep.

stay beautiful

Doing nothing

2011-01-31T08:06:00.001-08:00

I come up with novel ideas.

If only I were to implement them.

stay beautiful

Pokemon of the week

2011-01-30T12:16:00.000-08:00

Self deception is a sin.
I think Pokemon is a form of self-deception.
But right now I would rather level up a Bronzor than worry about first week rate school work.

Words words words.

What else is there?
One last note. I haven't wanted to lose weight enough to do something about it. I want to study theory instead.

In my few lapses of lucidity I have seen the world as the ideas of old men.

going shopping.

stay beautiful

When I grow up

2011-01-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

My hand smells like fish.
I steamed fish today. Talapia (sorry for spelling it wrong I think).
It took less time than heating something in a microwave. Although it doesn't hold sauce if you steam it... There could be a solution to this.

My love affair with food has overwhelmed me. Today was the first day in what felt like a week where my stomach might have been empty. I left for work and forgot food- earned myself 5 hours without a morsel.
I love that feeling when your stomach is tight: from not eating.

So continues the love hate relationship with food.
Although right now... its all love

stay beautiful

Waiting

2011-01-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

I couldn't do it on my own. I can push myself, but as soon as it gets hard I quit now.
I took a 7 mile walk tonight. Everything is getting easier. And its all because...

I've eaten.
I've fallen in love with food.

Do you know a feeling of fireworks when you think of someone. Sparks when you see their face. Your face lights up when you get a text from them.
Yeah, food has been doing that to me.
I love food right now.
It makes me so happy.

I only couldn't eat meatloaf tonight because meat like that doesn't feel good. If I had a choice I would have said no to it anyways. I think ground meat is a waste of calories. If you eat something it should be beneficial. Meat isn't good enough.
Usually taste makes no difference to me. Food is all about nutritional value. Its why I eat plain yogurt instead of flavored so often, or why I eat spinach plain, or why I like all my vegetables. Because I don't care as much about taste as I do nutrition. If something tastes bad, but is good, I will eat it.
I've eaten everything. I had 3 lunches today.

3 lunches does not equal 7 miles.
No.

I've also gotten that wonderful sparkly feeling from Milk. Or is she Squash?

I had the day off of work today. I thought I would work today.
So when I went in and wasn't on the schedule I called a friend.
I gave her butterflies.
I could tell.

There was a moment when she wanted me to lean in a little closer.
But I wasn't going to do anything so kind and cruel.
She has the most beautiful hands and feet. This other girl I have been friends with since high school.

Does it matter?
I'm just a love toy for other people.
Waiting for the real thing to myself.

stay beautiful

Saitey

2011-01-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

I don't want to lead you on.

I've been talking to someone as a friend. She is going through a rough time and I've said some things just because I was lonely. She missed them thanfully
I've made a new friend. I think she might find me to be even more interesting after meeting in person. I don't want that. I'd have to tell her that I'd rather wait for someone 5,000 miles away, and she shouldn't have someone that won't think about you.
I've seen a beautiful sight. She has sapphire blue eyes and we are in drum corps together. I foresee a friendship between us. One that will last until August.

Life is so short.
I feel like I will die tomorrow.

So I tried to do an hour of running today. I made it to 55 minutes.
I tried to plank for 5 minutes tonight. I made it to 3 minutes.
I wake up at 5:50 Am tomorrow. And I know what is going to happen.

I have seen the future before.
Sometimes I'll be talking with someone and I'll remember seeing the exact moment i am in before in a dream. And I can recall what happens a few moments ahead. I want to change the future every time I have this happen to me, but even when I alter my course everything else stays the same.
Time is inevitable.
Death will soon follow.

stay beautiful

2011-01-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

I have today off. All of it. And I wonder what I should be doing with it.

I could run.
Maybe I could run for an hour if I tried. I've done that before I could probably do it again. I could spend all day running if I wanted to.

I could read.
I've got a book about the life of Sigmund Freud that I haven't started. I also have The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner to read for myself. Lolita is on my list. I wanted to go to a book store soon to get a few things.

Should I work on the computer?
I completely failed. I probably damaged some hardware and that is why it hasn't been cooperative. My best guess is I broke it.

I could practice an instrument.
I hate music.

I could play video games.
I haven't done that in a while.

I could play pokemon.
But I'll be doing plenty of that at work on Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat.

I could find something...
I'm smart enough.
Time to go
and start.

stay beautiful

Uncontrol

2011-01-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

I tried to binge and I couldn't.
I took 10 bites.
I was going to eat a mountain. Instead I ate one serving and was done.
My body stopped me. Not my control. I've lost control.

I'm shivering.
I've met someone interesting...
But I'm such a mess I've lost everyone else.

I need to leave now to help a friend.
Yet I don't want to.
This friend is using me for a ride and tried using me for a job.
He wasn't even available the hours needed for the job.
And I want his job. He sucks at his second job.
We both have two jobs. I would think we could act like we have something in common.
But we constantly play warfare on who is giving.
He has nothing to give.
So I'm always giving.
But he could use help.

I could use help.
But there isn't going to be anyone for me.

stay beautiful

Weak off

2011-01-07T22:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't existed for a while it seems.
I spent an entire day indoors. I've missed a lot. But I'm hibernating. I've been playing a lot of Pokemon. I started a new game, and right before I started this one I did some finishing touches to the old one.

For those of you starving for details... its a SoulSilver. I chose Cyndaquil, but he sucks, so I set him aside in the box after Bugzy for a Stantler I caught first try, a Machop I evolved to a Machamp, a Geodude made into a Golem, Togetic, Tentacruel, Laparas, Quilfish, and Red Gyrados. I got the ice badge before the fighting and Steel badges. Its a kickbutt round of pokemon. I have gotten ridiculously lucky and will be in blackthorn city after 3 days. Probably a lot farther. I'll probably beat the elite four pretty easily.

I have a week off of work. Its supposed to be punishment. But I have my other job... So I'll still be working. I get a week off of one job.
I name all my pokemon... Its kinda funny sometimes.
My Laparas is named Boat
Red Gyrados is Requiem
Stantler is Faust
Golem is Jobe (yeah, its misspelled, but at least the phonetics always come out right)
Voltorb is Square
Quilfish is Deathball
Tentacruel is Tybalt
I'll be evolving a Slowpoke into a Slowking and it will be named Cleopatra (its female)

Yeah... they all have names that fit their genders too. So Faust is a guy and so is Boat and Tybalt.

I've mounted a 6 core processor to a motherboard tonight.
And I had a 5 hour shift.
So technically I've done something.
Life just feels like a big Pokemon adventure.

I'm not going to be a master...

stay beautiful

easy

2011-01-02T23:19:00.001-08:00

Do you want what you want?

stay beautiful

I wonder if things will be the same

2011-01-01T10:38:00.000-08:00

The date has changed.
So far I have faithfully called this year 2011. I have not accidentally written 2010 out of habit.

If I would make something a habit, I would hope to have a choice in the matter.

stay beautiful
Thank you for a year. You are such beautiful souls.

stay that way

Once upon a Sybil Vain

2010-12-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

Don't you think being genius is an evil thing?

If one is genius, they reserve their intelligence to themselves. Knowledge can't be shared like wealth. Being rich is also evil.

No.
Its objective.
Perfectly objective.

On my desk is a collection of Shakespeare sonnets, on top of that is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, and on top of that a Nintendo DS I'm listening to an audiobook of Dorian Gray.
If I wrote the book Dorian Gray it would have taken a decade.
It is genius.
I watched The Tempest, by William Shakespeare.

I've done a lot today.
I've eaten a lot.
My body feels balanced.
I am happy the cut in my mouth has almost healed.

Tomorrow I get a day off.
Its already tomorrow.
Time to sleep.
Dorian Gray must wait.

Blame God

2010-12-26T21:31:00.000-08:00

Life feels like a mistake.
And I feel cornered. The walls at my back block out the light, and my closed eyelids darken the rest of the world. I feel like sleeping. The body lays down in a chair, lays down while standing, lays down driving. Ready to sleep in the notice of a moment.
I saw a beautiful girl today.
I said goodbye to my cousin today. I get an odd feeling of what I'm missing with her. She is so beautiful. I know... I enjoy her so much because I crave beauty enough that anything would do. I wish I could stroke her cheek. But she is a younger cousin by 6 years. No one would understand me.

So instead I dream that someone will come along.
I could have talked to the pretty face i saw today. But I felt she was so far away...
I don't want to try to get close to something far away. I'm not the type to hunt for something that runs away when it hears you approaching. I'd like someone curious.

I'd like to see Violet.
She was beautiful enough. Pleasant. Interested in me... or so I thought.
I'd love to see her again.

I'm hungry.
But I don't want to eat. It feels like I'm trying to force a smile every bite I chew. So I will sleep.
I will wake up hungry.
Sunrise Sunset.
Always is the same.

Stay beautiful

All in the desire

2010-12-26T11:37:00.000-08:00

I've heard it before that just wanting to do sin is just as bad as doing it. People must have gotten that idea from the Bible because it makes no sense. I'd be a terrible person if that were true.

I've been drifting off into fantasies of incest with my younger cousin.

I am a capable person, I can control what I do. But I don't think it is possible for me to block out the thoughts. I don't even want to.

Physically I ignored every plea from my consciousness to avoid calories. I ate. Victory right?
I feel bigger... and I feel like a rubber ball. Like I'd bounce if I hit the ground.

The cut in my mouth hasn't healed.
And I've spilled blood numerous times from the hole in my finger.

I talked to Maslow today. I'm so envious of his mind.
Wish I was smart.

I've wanted to take picture of myself.
I know I'm ugly.
But I've actually wanted to see a mirror.
I've always wondered how come mirrors can reflect everything perfectly when nothing else can.
Originality
Makes the mirror powerful.

stay beautiful

Crash

2010-12-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

Two days ago I burned my mouth.

Today it hurt so much I couldn't take it anymore. So I started rubbing it with my finger. My nail tore open the flesh in my mouth.
I immediately was rewarded with a blood covered finger. I licked off the blood and sucked in my fill from the sore.

I want to cry
my existence is so low

stay beautiful

I'm a waste of your time

2010-12-17T23:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks for reading.

I'm gone this weekend.
Just wanted to say.

There are things I don't want to say; those encompass the usual. Too little work.
Too little pain.
I think in order to do things for other people I have to do those things for myself.

I chanced a bumper sticker today; it said "Think Pickles"

I love you butterfly
And I hate myself
I'm getting fatter

stay beautiful

"You're a character"

2010-12-14T15:49:00.001-08:00

Actually I'm hungry.

Light-headed and hungry. I usually am this way. But this instant is different, because I actually want to eat.
I'm at work.

I don't understand why all the sudden hunger needs to be filled. I've liked being empty in the past.

I think it is ironic that people have been calling my phone expecting to get a hold of me.
Its ridiculously broken. Right now it functions like a clock with a picture that can recieve texts. I can reply only when I get the text and I am limited in my choice of letters. I know I can't use the letters d, t, k, p, y, and a few others. But sadly... those are the best letters for saying "sorrY, buT mY Phone Doesn'T worK and i can'T reallY TexT you righT now"
Imagine if you left out every capital letter... Well, I've tried to tell them.
The I try calling, and ironically they ignore it and send a text "I can't answer the phone right now"
Well, thats great because I can't text.

stay beautiful

Quantify

2010-12-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

I wish I could quantify my effort. But yesterday I worked an hour off the clock. I have done nothing for my body. I've binged (the strangest binge of 2 cookies, 2 credit card sized portions of meat, and some blackberries). I've felt hungry.
I don't know how to say it,
but I feel like I've been trying. I don't know what at.

Because I'm not doing anything.
I just want to have fun.

Its my winter break. Until January 24th, and I'm so torn by double work schedules that I have no idea how I can enjoy myself.
I didn't fail any classes this semester.
My phone is broken (new one should come in today).
I spent a lot of money on a piece of my computer I'm making.
I'm buying it one part at a time.

There is no clue to where I am or where I want to be. I need a number.

stay beautiful

Journey to the end

2010-12-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

"You think about it"
you think about it.

He kept saying that. What he really meant was "Listen to me, you do as I say"
And I kept saying no.
no.

NO.

I spent about 3 hours of my 8 hour shift (where I'm not even legally working for this guy yet) arguing with him over how impossible it is for me to work for him while I am working for someone else at the same exact time in a different location.
His English pretty much sucks.

I got home today and told my mother I ate two of the largest apples I have ever had in my life for lunch. She said "You have to take care of yourself"
Fuck you.
Serious... I ate far too much today. Two apples, Two of my banana bars that I cooked, breakfast and a spaghetti dinner. Fucking load.

I'm not going to lose weight like this. And Its sad... because I want to lose so badly.
I stress ate today. Felt like a balloon.

She wasn't there... Violet.
Violet didn't have work today, but she texted me. And I couldn't respond.

My cell phone is broken.
I have a lot of work.
Work
work...

and another audition this weekend.

I'm so lonely that I hope Ks is there. I want Ks to be my friend.
I want Violet to touch me again.
I want to see Faceless Fantasy

And I want to fight for my butterfly.

In the back of my mind I remember that I'm trying to raise money for the fight against cancer. But I'm so worried that I'll get so caught up in work and school that I will never get to it.

The Storm... I've wanted to contact Miss Storm for a while. We were acquaintances in high school, she is a drama major, a perfectionist, and a Shakespeare enthusiast. She is the type of girl that takes the perfect photos and never has a hair out of place. She has red hair and blue eyes. I don't find her especially attractive, but I can see she is beautiful. I've wanted to talk with her, and learn from her, in regards to Shakespeare. Today I copied Sonnet 18 a few times. I want to contact Storm sometime after I have memorized at least that sonnet and synthesized some Shakespearean speech of my own.

But I'm me.
I eat enough to survive
Only to have it grown out of proportion in my mind.
I work hard
but avoid work whenever I can because I'd rather be having fun
And I learn
But don't work at it, because learning shouldn't require you to be uncomfortable. For you forget those things that you learned when you were uncomfortable. Those things you want to let go.

What matters is how far you go

or for myself, how far I go

Stay beautiful

Insular Mindlessness

2010-12-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

I can't write this yet.
Now I can.

I taste blood in my nose. And today, i got so dizzy that I couldn't see. Then I binged, and I felt like the only two thoughts I could hold were the strangest things in the world. The first was "Why I am eating?" and the second was "Why am I still dizzy no matter how much I eat?"
But an hour later the disorientation subsided so I was just left brooding over the sheer calories I consumed.

I now have two jobs.
I am on break from school. But its dumb having two workloads to complete. Two schedules to think about. I want to find someone to train for my second job so I can only have my first job. I only want one job all of a sudden. And I just finished my first day.

Today I looked down at my arms. They look so average when relaxed. I want to rip them to shreds... actually I want to bite them. I've found biting myself to be fulfilling. I love the look of the purple teeth marks from gnawing at my loose skin. I don't taste all that wonderful, but if I strike blood I'm ecstatic with pain. Fucking screwball...
I'm not supposed to look average. Or relaxed. But I've been weak. So weak...

I'll get stronger, I swear I will.
And I won't binge like I did today.
Its repulsive.

Without school, I have decided to continue pursuing Shakespeare. I might even impress someone one day. For what other use is there to Shakespeare?

I've got to go...
Disc 2 of Hamlet.

Stay beautiful

How are you?

2010-12-09T16:36:00.001-08:00

I'm having a pretty fucking terrible day.

I've been asked HOW ARE YOU so many fucking times today.
And I've lied to you all

Stop fucking asking

stay beautiful

2010-12-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

I need to make this simple because my last post failed.

But I signed up for something I can't do.

I'm a logistics coordinator for a Cancer relay for life.

stay beautiful

Borderline

2010-12-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

I just got a 69 in a class with an optional final.
You know what that means? Besides I have to take the final... I'm sad.

And to me, that counds more than the grade
because I'm happier this way.

stay beautiful

2010-12-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

I ate two slices of pizza. I know everything I put on it. But I can't remember all the caloric values. I'm bringing that fancy journal everywhere now... I need to write all my eats down again so you can see how disgusting I am.
You'll know I'm not thin
not beautiful
not even strong enough to abstain from food

I do not have a sexy body, I have a stomach that protrudes over my hip bones. Stomachs aren't meant to store food, they are meant to pulverize it and relax at a concave setting. Its in our biology, the muscles are best relaxed when empty.
Whatever, I'm not even smart.

Tomorrow decides whether I pass calculus or not.
If not, then I'll try again Thursday

I miss something I've never had
I miss having a female crying on my shoulder
so I have to do nothing
and I can be as ugly as I am and its okay
because she just needs someone to cry on
I'm there
And I have to do nothing.

stay beautiful

Or not

2010-12-06T11:19:00.001-08:00

I was wrong.
But at least I know I'm crazy.

Stay beautiful

Mourned

2010-12-05T23:33:00.000-08:00

I don't want school to end.
It ends this week.
School ends this week.
I'm not ready
In fact. I'm 5 pages from failure at this moment.

fml?
no.
I'm only sad at this one thing
I'm sure of it.

8K72483ry863st863al S386es683la8365r is dead.

stay beautiful

5870

2010-12-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

Last night I couldn't sleep.
My leg from my hip to my toe was in severe pain.
I was trying to sleep through it.
That wasn't going to happen.

I'm inflexible. That is how I say it happened.

Todays Dawdle expanded on

2010-12-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

Love stroked her cheek
Too pretty to him she was
but nothing else was
attractive

Her eyes
,beautiful like roses,
were down
Her hands
delicate like birds
rested uselessly on his arms,

His face closer to hers

"And you won't even feel a thing"
Doctor
Liar
I could feel the needle puncturing my arm,
feel digging into skin to reach blood
Feel him push it in
Felt a difference from my blood mixed with the substance
Still, I felt I needed to kept my eyes away
I didn't want to see the Demon
doctor

Fluorescent light woven gloves
White squares, white ceiling, white coat white room
Doctor retracted the needle A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear Staining the skin as it fell

Poison
convulse
convulse
convulse
In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank Sad, hurt, surprised, dead and blank

The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same

There was no winning
I have found Nihilism.

There. I changed today's story into a poem.
I did things that the artists do... I have only one period in the whole poem Beginnings of sentences are shown by capital letters. My commas are formalities of sentence structure, but I purposely leave out a lot of commas. I left out the last the last comma in the white description line to make a weakening echo kind of effect. I hope. I don't know.
I've used enjambment (breaking my sentences by starting a new line before completing a thought; seen in the "i didn't want to see the..." line). Don't take English classes.
This poem is a waste of time.

stay beautiful

2010-12-04T15:32:00.000-08:00

He guessed it was love; stroked her cheek. To him, she might have been too pretty, but nothing else was attractive. The whole world was filled with things that didn't mean anything. Nothing could make him feel.
Her eyes, beautiful like roses, looked down. He hands rested uselessly against him, he pulled his face closer to hers...

"And you won't even feel a thing" Said the doctor.
Liar. I could sense the needle puncturing my arm, digging into skin to reach blood. I knew when he pushed in whatever it was, I noticed a difference as my blood mixed with the substance. Still, I kept my eyes away. I didn't want to see the doctor.

Light stained his reptilian skin. He wore a sheen of white squares on the undressed backs of his hands, his lab coat hung long. He retracted the needle. A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear. Staining the skin as it went.

Just then the poison set in. Deathly pain wracked her body. She convulsed and convulsed and convulsed. In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank. Sad, hurt, surprised, but dead and blank.

The human showed no reaction. The human had reached a point where nothing else mattered but death.

The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same

There was no winning.

I had a daydream and I wanted to record it. Hopefully this shows quite well what it was. Some sort of unnamed passion for an unnamed girl. Then a flashback, or sort of a transportation out of time to a hospital-like setting. Except the doctor is really a demon. This demon torments someone who has been killed on the inside. And what the demon did, we go back to the passion, kills him even more. The woman was an unfortunate victim. Sort of collateral.
Isn't that what we are?
Players in our own lives
Collateral to everyone else.

stay beautiful

Energizer

2010-12-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

My physical status goes something like... I've been having one meal per day. But that will probably change today.
Food has made me ridiculously full lately. Chewing was a little hard.

But I'm so darn happy for no reason.
I've had a lot of energy for no reason.
I also love the movie Hamlet. I haven't even seen the whole thing, but I've downloaded it for free. I can watch it anytime.
I've had pleasing dreams of building computers, of purchasing and purchasing and purchasing. Cleaning the house, repairing cars, ameliorating everything. For no good reason I've been happy. The only thing I haven't dreamed of spending money on is food. But I have dreamt of buying fancy cooking utensils, doing dishes, and buying clothes.

I have a paper to write. One paper.
I have 1 calculus test to get 78% or higher on.
And I have 2 classes to show up to.

Then I'm done. For a month. I can starve, play my instrument, spend money, walk all day. Anything. I'll probably spend the time gaming with what I have. A safe investment. Although... I want to build a computer just to show I can. I know I can.

I don't exist emotionally right now. There is nothing but freedom. Joy every moment to be alive.
And I don't want to be happy. But I can't control my feelings.

I long to look into a defeated human's eyes and find their sadness. I wish sorrow like that was mine.
I'll have time after my academic formalities to search.

stay beautiful

61 day mark

2010-11-30T19:54:00.000-08:00

I gave blood today. It was a week after my 54 day mark (the day you can give again if I remember correctly)
And the nurse taking my pulse told me:
"Did you know your heart skips a beat?"
-Now... I've taken my pulse before. If my heart has always skipped a beat I would have known. This is something new.
... "Do you have any difficulty with physical activity"
"no"

She was concerned.
I wasn't.

Its sad, yesterday I looked in the mirror and I could swear I've gained. I'm a reasonable person. I know what is lost weight and what is gained weight. I know I have been fine when I was thinner. I know it.
I've actually been different.
But I eat like everyone else.

I'm curious though... Why was my pulse so high (usually I'm around 60 unless I'm fasting- and that is 72-80- and I got 74 when I wasn't fasting)? Weird.
I know my body. I know my mind.

I spent every spare second of today eating. I didn't have many spare seconds, but I got in 3 complete meals.
Right now I want to sleep.
But I have a project to do.
Then sleep.

God
I'm lonely...

stay beautiful

What I see

2010-11-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

Sadly enough...

I think that the audition failure was just a minor thing. It meant a lot. It made an emotional impact. I can't try again until next year. I really suck at music. But I feel like I didn't miss out on much.
In fact, the thing that sticks in my head for the audition is that I met a girl there and we looked at each other a lot and talked.

No
I'm not interested.
I don't want to spend my future with her.
I don't want to be with anyone...

Sadly, I just want to spend time with a pretty face, and then leave her before I hurt.
I want to be the shallow cut that heals by tomorrow.

I want to be forgotten.
Then I can live every day like I was just born.
The first day of my life.
So that the next girl I see, will be the most beautiful one I have seen yet.
No more memories.

Looking forward.

stay beautiful